I'm a great uncle, Damn it!
I have a nephew that life has not been kind to. I was dating my wife when we found out her brother was expecting his second child. From the minute he was born I knew he didn't stand a chance.
His parents were already divorced by the time they had him. Not to far along in his life they both remarried and started new families of their own. Being in a divorced family is hard enough and his parents did fight about custody but not about who would get him but who wouldn't. The child was raised between two houses in different states. Any action by him was followed by the reaction of being shipped away to the other parent.
One house offered an abusive step dad with kids of his own and a new baby from my nephews mom. The other house offered a young step mom, only ten to twelve years older than my nephew, with two new babies with his dad. The second house also featured drugs and alcohol abuse.
We watched helpless as he struggled with school and life. Well last year at the age of eighteen out of the blue he joined the army. I was so happy to hear the news. Finally he would get the discipline and guidance he never had all his life. It came as no surprise that he excelled in the structured environment of the army. Of course there are some who worry that he would be harmed in Iraq. I too am one of those people but I would rather he go and serve with the chance of coming home with a better direction that could make his life worth living. If he dies, at least it will be with honor and in the service of others. (this is not a comment about the war but about service to your country) Had he not joined I have no doubt that he would have a lifetime of drug abuse and crime that would end with him in jail or dead on the streets. That is not an exaggeration.
As I said I was pleased to hear he had broken away and was doing something with his life. Well we just learned after being in the army for just six months he has met a girl, married her (he's known her for two months) and they are expecting a child. He will be deployed to Iraq, in June, for eighteen months. I can't help but feel his lack of guidance has cost him another shot at a good future. Now the odds are stacked against him again.
So I'm going to be a great uncle, whoopee, I get to watch another child grow up with out a chance in hell. Damn it!
His parents were already divorced by the time they had him. Not to far along in his life they both remarried and started new families of their own. Being in a divorced family is hard enough and his parents did fight about custody but not about who would get him but who wouldn't. The child was raised between two houses in different states. Any action by him was followed by the reaction of being shipped away to the other parent.
One house offered an abusive step dad with kids of his own and a new baby from my nephews mom. The other house offered a young step mom, only ten to twelve years older than my nephew, with two new babies with his dad. The second house also featured drugs and alcohol abuse.
We watched helpless as he struggled with school and life. Well last year at the age of eighteen out of the blue he joined the army. I was so happy to hear the news. Finally he would get the discipline and guidance he never had all his life. It came as no surprise that he excelled in the structured environment of the army. Of course there are some who worry that he would be harmed in Iraq. I too am one of those people but I would rather he go and serve with the chance of coming home with a better direction that could make his life worth living. If he dies, at least it will be with honor and in the service of others. (this is not a comment about the war but about service to your country) Had he not joined I have no doubt that he would have a lifetime of drug abuse and crime that would end with him in jail or dead on the streets. That is not an exaggeration.
As I said I was pleased to hear he had broken away and was doing something with his life. Well we just learned after being in the army for just six months he has met a girl, married her (he's known her for two months) and they are expecting a child. He will be deployed to Iraq, in June, for eighteen months. I can't help but feel his lack of guidance has cost him another shot at a good future. Now the odds are stacked against him again.
So I'm going to be a great uncle, whoopee, I get to watch another child grow up with out a chance in hell. Damn it!
14 comments:
I know why you wrote this blog. I feel the need to vent today too.
I have this to offer though: There is every chance in the world that this new child, that has yet to be born, will be loved, and grow to be an amazing human being.
I can atest to being a child who didn't have a chance in hell, sometimes, rarely I'll admit, the child comes into the world without a hint of his parent's emotional fucked-up traits, without the depression that is normal to a child from a broken home.
Sometimes it's the great uncle, or step mom, or in my case, my friends (and son) who give you reason to make something out of your life.
That special person can come into your world and show you that the reason to strive for more was there all the time.
Think of it in terms of - you knew your nephew had no chance in hell considering his mom and dad's spilt (among a great many other things!) but he pulled it together to try to make something of himself. This child can too. I have faith in that.
When I got pregnant with Mike, I was young, unmarried, a drunk, and I loved my drugs. I know my family thought if I didn't abort him outright, that I'd forget to feed him, or my folks would end up taking care of him.
But he gave me a reason to be an adult. He was enough for me to WANT to be a better human. Now, I don't use drugs, I rarely drink, I'm monogamous, and I'm loved. And so is he. With everything I am.
Mike was born into a broken home, and at the moment of birth I was with an abusive man, but look at him now. Classes for the gifted!!! *laugh*
Perhaps the newly-married, soon to be new mom, will see a light in her child's eyes that makes her want to live. For him/her if nothing else.
I will keep my faith that this new child will be born into a world of love, not a scary broken world. I will have faith..
Until you can too.
I hear you, I really do.
But...
I'm with Jen on this one. I've seen too many underdog successes and winner-by-birth losers to believe any differently.
*grabbing Jen's hand and standing firm* I believe!
I don't understand what you mean by this:
'I can't help but feel his lack of guidance has cost him another shot at a good future. Now the odds are stacked against him again.'
Why are the odds stacked against him? Because his parents met and married so quickly?
Sorry about that long rant. I wrote it last night while I was sleeping.
:-)
I think I could have stated my opinion in shorter sentences...
Jen: what you wrote was great, I don't care if it was long or short I have the space.
Thank God Mike has someone who cares if he goes to school, learns to read and even thinks being gifted is a wonderful thing. You have certainly increased his odds for a better life.
Jen & daughter: I actually agree with you, that this new child has a chance at being the most wonderful person on the planet, God knows I hoping it happens.
Yes there are plenty of stories of the underdogs doing good but I can show you city blocks full of ones who don't.
What has upset me is my nephew had just started to learn about a world that he has never known. One where there are rules, people counting on you and there are people you can count on. He has never had any stability in his life. Now I feel as if he will not get the full advantage of this opportunity.
This post is not a comment about young people having children. Nor is it a post stating that people who have babies in less than perfect situations don't deserve them or they are doomed to a horrible life. I believe age, social and economic standing as well as education are no guarantee of raising a healthy happy well rounded child.
20 Something: 'I can't help but feel his lack of guidance has cost him another shot at a good future. Now the odds are stacked against him again.'
Had he had more parental guidance in his life he may (that's may) have understood the odds of marrying someone after two months and understood the consequence of unprotected sex. Yes, this happens to people of all levels of upbringing for a variety of reasons but again I doubt he has had the benefit of "the talk' or any talk that would have prepared him for young love and sex.
I'm talking about my nephew here. He had a real chance to learn something and apply it to his life. Things his family failed to do. While that still may be the case he has (yes, he is responsible for his new wife and child) placed more pot holes in an already bumpy road. Now at the age of eighteen he is faced with a new wife (he doesn't even know or really know what marriage is as he has never been exposed to a healthy one) a child on the way, and going off to war. This would be a handful for anyone to handle. I believe the odds against him being successful at being a good father, husband and solider are very slim. Not impossible just slim. I wanted him to have his moment to shine, to live, to learn to how break away from it all.
The point of the post: I watched a perfectly healthy intelligent child (my nephew) grow up under the worst conditions, now it seems that his child might be facing the same odds, and it didn't have to be that way :(
Oh i see, I didn't understand the point you were making. Yes I guess I see your point now.
But give him a chance. As you say being a soldier will give him a chance to shine. It will give him a past to be proud of (like you I don't mean the actual war) and something to tell his child about.
And you never know, they might stay together. And seeing as he knows whats it liked to be abandoned, if he and his wife were to split up maybe he wouldn't want to abandon his child because he knows what it feels like.
It sounds like noone ever really cared about your nephew and he had noone to give his love to - until now.
I am hoping for all the best for him, his new wife and their child. I would never be negative about this around him. He will have my full support as he always has.
This is a case where I pray that my feelings are wrong.
"Yes there are plenty of stories of the underdogs doing good but I can show you city blocks full of ones who don't."
Me too.
I can also show you gangsters living in multi-million dollar homes who are getting away with murders (with an "s") because their parents refuse to cooperate with law enforcement because "we don't have that kind of crime here and it certainly isn't perpretrated by my son."
I can show you a boy who lives in a one bedroom apartment with his parents and 9 siblings who was arrested for stealing a Walkman to give to his 5 year old brother for Christmas. His mother is dying of kidney disease and every day she and all the kids too young to go to school take the bus to the dialysis clinic. Though she could use the help at home, she insists that her older children attend school, and even ensures that they have the necessary support (i.e.Special Education, National Lunch Program, etc). She does not speak one word of English and took care of business in a system that is not helpful or easy to navigate long before I entered the picture to help. Despite the fact that this family doesn't have a pot to piss in and there are 12 of them living in less than 700 square feet of space, everytime I visit the home they are clean, happy, and there is food cooking.
7 miles inland, in Rancho Santa Fe, lives a boy who drove his Escalade (a birthday present from his parents) to a party, picked up one mentally challenged girl (who was brought and then ignored by her sister) and five similarly privileged boys, drove to the Rite-Aid (24 hour drugstore) under the pretext of "getting some snacks," bought rope, electrical tape, a short-handled broom, candy, and a box cutter. Plying the girl with candy, they then drove to the country club and parked on the golf course. I'm sure I don't have to tell you the rest, but I will tell you that the inside of that Escalade looked like a butcher shop.
When the boys were apprehended, one of them said, "She was nothing. A nobody." Every single one of those boys lived in the very exclusive Rancho Santa Fe and attended the most prestigious school in the State of California.
My point is this: opportunities don't make the man. And though I understand your frustration, because you want the best for your family and wish you could undo things that have already been done, don't give up hope!!! You can be more of an influence then you think.
<3
A
Daughter: I think you've hit the high point of my frustration. I have no influence, zero.
There are basicly two parts to my wifes family. The one that have pulled themselves out and the ones still there. The ones still there will not let us have much interaction with their children. To be honest(and selfish) we don't push it that hard either because one, any help we have given has back fired in our face and two, we have to insulate our own children from certain situation we would have to accept if we were around the. I won't and my wife won't either.
Example: a half brother of my nephew ( yes that makes him my nephew as well) molested another boy last year at age 10. Nobody seems to want to deal with him and I can not be around him with my children and pretend there isn't a problem.
Of course, I'm sad to say, there are many more examples. :(
We have started sending my nephew care packages with encouraging letters but that is he extent of influence at this point.
And I do have hope but I also know reality and reality has the odds in it's favor because the deck was stacked before my nephew even knew he was playing. :(
Thanks for the input everyone, I'll let you know how it turns out.
Ah.
Sometimes a good example is what a child remebers foremost. Perhaps you can offer guidance and influence indirectly - by deed and by example. Even if the example is not directly witnessed, it can still have power.
I'm really trying to help you feel better... though your last comment indicates that the topic is closed. ;-)
{{{{{{{{{RT}}}}}}}}}}}
Thanks daughter, I know your trying and in a few days it will sink in and work (remember I'm a bit slow) but for now I'm suffering from having the rug pulled out from under me. (so to speak) I really thought he was on his way, obstacle free. :)
Well, if it makes you feel better, I'm doin' a jig.
Which if you were here, would be pretty damn funny, because I'm not built for a jig.
:-D
LOL, I did a jug one time. Yep drank the whole damn thing myself :)
daughter: The topic is open as long as you want to talk.
"I like the way that you talk." - sling blade
:-P
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