The wife and I have an on going disagreement. When it comes to helping out around the house I do my fair share. The wife is a stay at home mom but three kids all day, everyday is enough to overwhelm anyone. I work a lot but when I get the chance I pitch in and do what I can from laundry to dusting to vacuuming, even change a few diapers if needed. I never have to be asked or shamed into helping, I know she has it rough.
The only thing I don't do, refuse to do, and absolutely hate to do is cook. Can I do it? Yeah, enough that I'll never starve to death if the wife ever wises up and leaves me. I just can't stand to do it, especially for other people.
Well this has become thorn in the wife's side. You never cook, I always have to, why won't you help... nag, nag, nag. The wife cooks about 4 to 5 time a week. If I get home and she has decided not to cook I find myself something and never say a word. I also never complain about what she does fix. I mean if I'm not willing to step up to the plate, so to speak, then I have no right to voice my opinion.
Oh yeah, the disagreement. We eat out about twice a week. In my opinion when we eat out that is the same as me cooking, obviously the wife disagrees. I look at it like this, it cost me a few hours of work to earn enough money for a good meal. About the same amount of time it takes her to cook one. So the labor is about the same. So why isn't the same? Of course it's the same she just thinks I'm getting off easy somehow. I'm not.
The only thing I don't do, refuse to do, and absolutely hate to do is cook. Can I do it? Yeah, enough that I'll never starve to death if the wife ever wises up and leaves me. I just can't stand to do it, especially for other people.
Well this has become thorn in the wife's side. You never cook, I always have to, why won't you help... nag, nag, nag. The wife cooks about 4 to 5 time a week. If I get home and she has decided not to cook I find myself something and never say a word. I also never complain about what she does fix. I mean if I'm not willing to step up to the plate, so to speak, then I have no right to voice my opinion.
Oh yeah, the disagreement. We eat out about twice a week. In my opinion when we eat out that is the same as me cooking, obviously the wife disagrees. I look at it like this, it cost me a few hours of work to earn enough money for a good meal. About the same amount of time it takes her to cook one. So the labor is about the same. So why isn't the same? Of course it's the same she just thinks I'm getting off easy somehow. I'm not.
14 comments:
Woah!,So the labor is about the same. So why isn't the same? Of course it's the same she just thinks I'm getting off easy somehow. I'm not.
Well you could look at it like that sorta, you both don't have to cook it or clean up. So you are both getting off easy. Bringing in the salary part would get me a smack in the head though, that wouldn't go over too well. I just read somewhere that if a stay at home mom got paid for her work she would get something like 160,000 bucks a year, so look at it like this; she's not making her money eating out and you are paying for the meal with some of your salary, so you are both losing by going out to eat. How's that.
NEW YORK — If the typical stay-at-home mother in the United States were paid for her work as a housekeeper, cook and psychologist among other roles, she would earn $138,095 a year, according to research released on Wednesday.
This reflected a 3 percent raise from last year's $134,121, according to Salary.com Inc, Waltham, Mass.-based compensation experts.
The 10 jobs listed as comprising a mother's work were housekeeper, cook, day care center teacher, laundry machine operator, van driver, facilities manager, janitor, computer operator, chief executive officer and psychologist, it said.
The typical mother puts in a 92-hour work week, it said, working 40 hours at base pay and 52 hours overtime.
A mother who holds full-time job outside the home would earn an additional $85,939 for the work she does at home, Salary.com reported.
Last year she would have earned $85,876 for her at-home work, it said.
Salary.com compiled the online responses of 26,000 stay-at-home mothers and 14,000 mothers who also work outside the home.
Still think it's the same???
:-)
That is why I would never bring it up!
I see where you guys are coming from but I can't exactly agree. Are we assuming that I go to work and then come home and do nothing? Some may but not me. Any money made in our family is our money. Our family is a group effort, who makes the money is no more important than who takes out the trash. In twenty years I have never brought up money as a point of power.
As far as what she should get paid, I don't think you could put a price on a wife, mother and friend but if you had to there's a lot to consider.
The biggest consideration is how much does the husband help out. In this case, plenty if I do say so myself and I think she would agree.
I had a friend that use to work 8 hours a day and when he got home his wife handed over their two kids and went and did her own thing for the rest of the night. He said it was only right because she needed a break. I ask "and just when do you get your break?" The answer was he didn't.
At my house we work together to make sure we share the responsibilities of the children and running a house. I'll put my 50 to 60 hours of work plus the amount of work I do at home up against most and hold my ground. Honestly, most Sundays I get up, feed the kids, clean the house and let the wife sleep in. I happy to do it, not because she needs a break more than me but because I like doing nice things for her.
The only thing I won't do is cook and this irritates the wife immensely. If she doesn't feel like cooking, hey no problem. I'll buy it with money I earned giving up my time for the family. It's the same to me.
My MSU doesn't cook either, unless it's bleeding and can be cooked outside. I generally don't whine about it, because I really don't care as long as he doesn't give me any flak when I announce that I'm not cooking on any given evening. If that's how it works at your house, then I say it's fair.
However, as far as "breaks" go, you haven't a leg to stand on, my friend. The mere fact that you continue to say "help out" rather than "do" or "take on the sole responsibility for" is proof positive.
When's MY break, you ask? WORK is my break. ANd believe me when I tell you that you wife probably believes that work is YOUR break too. I have a difficult and consuming job, but I work three times as hard at home for no pay at all (besides the satisfaction of raising good kids). Believe me when I say there are times that I'd RUN to work if that was what it took to get there. :-)
I guess what it comes down to is that I feel no sympathy for you at all. :-) LOL!
Hang in there. Surprise her one day with a meal that you prepared yourself and I bet it will last you through an entire year without strife about it. :-)
I agree that my choice of words are suspect and that a few hours with a bratty child can drive you insane. I don't deny she has a tough job. I'll even admit I may not be able to do it full time.
I guess I'm not getting the whole no pay thing. That's a non-issue at my house. We have one checking account, the pay checks go straight into it and the wife has full access to the account. We also have a joint credit card. No permission is necessary for her to spend money. Unless one of us is irresponsible about it or we want to make a big purchase, money never comes up.
This is why I love blogging. This has turned out to be more complicated than I had imagined, fun, fun. :) You make good points but I can't apply them to our life.
By her choice her primary job is the children and running the house. So I guess I do view it as "helping her out" just like her getting a job and helping me pay the bill would be her "helping me out." Same thing if she ever cut the grass or did any yard work or washed her car or cleaned the garage and so on. I realize I'm sounding like an insensitive ass here but I do take days and say "I'll watch the kids, go have fun."
I don't want sympathy, I just want the nagging to stop :) why can't she remember the thousands of things I do instead of the one I don't? (and yes before you say it I'm sure there are more) As far as cooking her dinner, no way! That will just give her proof that I'm capable and she'll demand it that much more. I will buy her a nice dinner though. ;) and that takes us back to where we started. LOL!
I didn't read any of the comments. I can't right now.
I think you're in the right. You're doin' your part so she doesn't have to cook a couple of nights a week, and you don't bitch if she doesn't cook for you. You dust, vacuum, do laundry. Why does there have to be more?! There doesn't. If you cooked then she'd find something else to focus her wifely energy on, and bitch about that. (That's what I do apparently.)
At this point I went back and grazed the comments but still haven't read them...
It would be hard to compare your job to hers, much in the sense that nurses and plumbers do totally different work. But if you're helping out then it should be good enough.
On a side note, I'd love to go out to dinner a couple of times a week. If my husband took me out a couple of times, I'd be willing to count that as his "cooking night" just so I could get the break!!
So fuck it, good post.
I'm sure she DOES remember the thousands of things you do.
I agree that the nagging should stop. Nagging helps no one and makes everyone feel bad.
I guess the point I was trying to make - which may not apply to your household at all - was that whne I was a stay-home mom (which I was for three years and then worked very part time for four years after that), I wanted my MSU to "help out" too. But what I heard was "I already worked my 8 -9 -10- whatever hour day and I should be able to come home and relax."
And though I didn't hear the same thing from you, what I did hear smacks of it (a little bit). And when you say "I DO help out, I come home and do my part, I just REFUSE to extend that to cooking," well, I have to say that it sounds like a little bit of a power play to me.
But I could be overly sensitive!! in fact, I probably am. :-)
{{{RT}}} Lest I be relegated to the peanut gallery of nagging. ;-)
LOL! you knew FULL well this topic would cause uproar! :)
I'm not going to go over her work compared to yours.
I think this is about cooking - not work. The fact that you see it as work is the point. Most people I know enjoy cooking - hense it's not a job.
But then again the people i know don't cook for three children every night.
I think you have four options:
1. Take cooking courses, and start to learn to cook something you like.
2. Tell her it's not about work, you just don't like to cook, but you could clean up afterwards instead.
3. Cook something so nasty that she never asks you again.
4. I forgot the 4th one. I'll get back to you.
Jen: thanks :)
The funny thing is I hate to go out too. So going out to eat feels like a bit of a sacrifice for me. I know that's ridiculous to say but I'm not home a lot so turning around and heading back out sucks. And to be fair we take three kids with us so it's not the perfect break for her because we don't let our kids run wild in restaurants and ruin others hard earned meals. They won't be little forever thank the Lord.
Daughter: I am probably in the minority when it comes to men helping out at home. I have plenty of friends that do just what your husband did and I think it's wrong. I think a lot of men think because woman are so nurturing to their children that woman love to do it and so it's not work. For some reason I've always known it's a labor of love, heavy emphases labor.
No power play from me. If dinner is a bowl of cereal because she had a bad day, hey, thanks for the getting out the bowl. No dinner? Thats ok, I'll make me a sandwich. I don't throw it in her face or hold it over head. I just don't like to cook, just point me in another direction I can help but you don't even have to point because if I see it needs doing BAM! I'm on it :) ( of course this isn't 100% of the time, I can be a jerk, every now and then, just like everybody else)
20 Something: I think I see cooking as work because I don't care that much for food. I don't see food as entertainment, it's just something you have to do to stay alive. I honestly could eat the same food everyday for weeks and wouldn't care.
As for you list;
1) Cooking school - why don't you just damn me to hell?
2) Cleaning up after - I already do that
3) Cooking something nasty - she's smarter than that, she would call me on it
4) I don't even know what it is but it won't work :) She just wants me to cook something because it's the only thing she does that I won't do. :(
Ha ha ! I know how you feel. I hate HATE ironing, I do not mind cleaning but refuse to iron. We all have something we hate! I think it is good that you chip in and do housework! So many other men don't bother because they are too lazy! At least you are not lazy!
what would you do if the wife left you - touch wood hope that never happens. But what if?
I hate cleaning toilets - AND ironing. I buy clothes that don't need ironing. :) I don't own an iron.
With three kids it's all we can do to keep the house straight. I iron my own clothes but not the wife's. I don't think she trust me with them. Ha! I do all the heavy cleaning which includes the toilets, no big deal.
If the wife left me I'd be crushed but I would manage to feed myself. I can cook, I just hate to. Stopping to fix food and eat it is a big inconvenience for me. I guess I'm still like the kid my mom use to call in for dinner
Me: "Aw mom! I'm to busy right now"
Her: "well I just spent an hour cooking so get you butt in here, Now!"
Me: "damn it!" then the soap in the mouth and her telling my dad and me getting.....
And if I were your wife at this point, I'd put my hands on either side of your face, kiss you thoroughly, and say, "OK, Don't cook!" And then you'd never hear about it again.
There are some things that are remain unnegotiable.
:-)
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