He ain't heavy - he's my brother
In the past I've blogged about my younger sister. She is outgoing, ambitious and career driven. My older brother on the other hand is exactly, 100% the opposite. Yes, it made for some very interesting times growing up.
My brother is a very misunderstood person. The best way to describe him is as introverted, only he's not. Most people think he's shy but he's not that either. A lot of people that meet him thinks he's rude because he doesn't speak to them much if at all. In fact he can down right ignore someone standing in front of him talking to him. Others that meet him want try to force him to interact with them. They turn on the charm to "bring him out". That doesn't work with him, as they soon find out.
I've been telling people, including my parents, for years that they have him all wrong. I honestly think he has a phobia of people. It's not that he doesn't like people or want to interact with them but the act of actually doing it scares him, in much the same way someone scared of heights would react to a high ledge. It's very painful for him and out of his control. Nobody seems to get this.
He's a smart guy with a high IQ and a photographic memory but has been unable capitalize on his intelligence because of his lack of people skills. Sadly, because of all this, I have moved past him on our company ladder for the simple fact of my people skills or his lack there of. Amazingly, we get along well. He understands why I have the position I do and while it may make him wish he could conquer his phobia he doesn't blame me. I have no desire to flaunt or use my position to harm, damage or embarrassed him in anyway. I see him as an equal that just happens to have a different job than myself.
I am constantly bombarded with complaints by the people who have to deal with him. I've long since stopped trying to explain him. People want to take things personal and they will no matter what you say. I think they would be surprised to hear that my brother and me talk all the time. When we do he hardly shuts up.
The wife is under the impression that he's lazy and lets me do too much of the work. That he's selfish and doesn't do enough with our family and our kids, his niece and nephews. This is a view shared by the rest of my family and friends as well. I've tried to tell the wife she has him all wrong but like the rest, she won't listen.
Well the wife has been trying to find the boys a Wii for a Christmas gift. They are always sold out and they say it won't be easy to find them through the holidays. We have spent a lot of frustrating weekends looking for one. Then Saturday my brother called me and said he found one. Not only did he locate it but went ahead and purchased it just to make sure we would get it. The wife and my parents were blown away by his gesture. They couldn't believe he even knew we wanted one and that he had been looking for one for us without telling anyone. I, on the other hand, wasn't surprised at all because I know that is the type person he is. I also wasn't surprised that he didn't want a big deal made of his gesture.
If people would stop judging him for failing to act the way they deem is correct and accept him for who he is, they will start to see a man who's action speak far louder than his words. They would see a man who is in pain because he doesn't know how to fit in. They would see a good husband. They would see a good father. If they look hard enough they would see what I've always seen, they would see my brother.
14 comments:
Anthropophobia. A fear of people. An unmoving, relentless shadow sitting just out of view. Followed closely by depression, anger and anxiety because it's something that you not only can't control, but you know that you're not "normal".
I'm so glad he has you.
It breaks my heart to think of all of the people who have no one that breeches the barrier and sees them for what they truly are.
There isn't anything good about what he's going through but he's blessed to have you to fight for him.
It's unfortunate that out of all the phobias out there, this one is on the top of the list that makes treatment virtually impossible. No group settings, one-on-one, or intense drug therapy helps because it's administered by your fear itself.
I can close my eyes and imagine him ignoring someone right in front of him, and I know for sure it's because at a young age you learn to focus your energy to a better place. A place where your alone, or with someone who doesn't heighten your fear as much.
Find a happy place, find a happy place because a very real mantra.
What a difficult way to live...
Again, I'm glad he has you!
Maybe the Wii will give your family something to focus on for a short time, so he has room to breathe. It sucks knowing that your family and friends don't understand you, and no matter what you do they never will...
:(
"He's a smart guy with a high IQ and a photographic memory..."
I've always wondered why high IQ and "mental disorders" seem to come hand in hand.
Is it because they use a different part of their brain, they're focused somewhere else for too long, or just plain chemistry?
It'd be interesting to know for sure.
I read a book once about selective birthing processes.
Like examining a fetus at the earliest stages of life, determining what traits they would exhibit after birth, and then selectively terminating the pregnancies you didn't want.
No kids with mental retardation. None with deformed arms, severe brain damage...
Being able to decide what sex your child is, what hair color he has.
Eventually the theory is; you'd breed out the characteristics you didn't find attractive. No brunettes. No brown eyes. No predisposition to being overweight. No female children.
And I think, to take it a step further - eventually while you're breeding out all the things that could go "wrong" you manage to breed out higher IQs because no one truly knows why some people use more of their brain then the next guy in line.
It opens an impressive can of worms to think about.
*nod*
Have you ever seen Gattaca?
I don't think he's lucky to have me. I just "get" who he is. Like I said, I stopped sticking up for him a long time ago. He doesn't want me to nor does he need me to. He has great children that accepts him just the way he is.
I can tell you've had some experience with this sort of thing?
I guess I can't expect a stranger to understand it but damn! You would think his family would get it after forty something years. They seemed surprised every time he turns them down for Thanksgiving dinner. :(
I didn't see the movie Gattaca. I'll try to check it out.
The whole high IQ and "mental disorders" is interesting. I often see people who have both and wonder if they would trade their "gift" for normalcy (what ever that is)
I agree with Jen that your brother is blessed to have you, especially given that the rest of the family seems hopelessly focused on what he is not rather than what he iis.
I also agree with Jen (without knowing anything about the particular phobia) that it must be a horrific thing. I sometimes get very anxious in new social situations and know it would be completely debilitating to feel that way all the time. The fact that you and your brother talk often and candidly is a testament to how much he must truly trust you.
I've wondered often, as well, about the seeming correlation between astronomical IQs and mental "disorders." I've wondered if those people with "special brains" just keep their synapses so busy with thinking that they aren't able to "regulate" other behaviors like those of us who aren't so intelligent. Because my brain isn't busy structuring a new theory of the universe, I am perfectly aware that I push in chairs that are left out in any room I happen to be in. I realize that this is freaky behavior and I am often able to control it, mostly because my brain isn't too busy doing other things to notice 1) other people's reactions and 2) the behavior itself. My brain is not so busy with its internal workings that it fails to notice social input. I honestly believe that the super-intellectuals just don't notice social cues (and behavioral cues) the same way that "normal" intellects do.
Of course, I'm only speaking of non-organic disorders, those bizarre behavioral quirks that almost everyone has in some form or another.
Hmmm... there I go rambling again....
people are scared of, and react angrily to people they don't understand/can't read/someone who may be 'thinking' something about them. If they don't fit in the box then they can't be anticipated and quantified - this makes people uneasy, makes them think this person is volatile, or even that the quiet person is silently judging them, seeing through them etc. - this really freaks people out, and most people go from vulnerable to angry (taking it personal) in about .2 of a second.
I feel for your brother, I really do. It might help him to find out more about the way he is, has he even done some research on the net etc.? (rhetorical question really)
Very well written piece, very stirring. You really seem to be surrounded by people who don't see things as sympathetically and clearly as you, that's tough going, well done for sticking to your principles.
How do his wife and kids see him? Surely they know him better than strangers and customers?
I think people find it difficult to handle quiet people. I know people find me difficult sometimes (you wouldn't know it from my insane ramblings but I'm quite shy and quiet - I don't have a phobia of people though). But it's funny to see how uncomfortable people get when I prefer to sit in silence and listen to people. I like doing that sometimes.
Why do you have to be a loud mouth knowit all to be socially accepted?
I'm happy with the amount of intereaction I have with people. The people who know me know I'm not that quiet. I'm ok.
The question is - is it a problem for him? I'm guessing not for some reason. Without seemingly like you want to change him you could mention a course or something to him. It might help.
p.s. its sad that he had to buy a wii for people to see how thoughtful he can be.
Most people don't find it thoughtful at all when I show them my wii. (ok I'm sorry, that was really bad)
Sure if your brother is not malicious and does not harmfully effect anyone else, there is no reason for them to get angry. Thats a problem other people have with themselves and really should look internally before they judge externally.
I read all of the comments and deeply appreciate them all but they also upset me a bit. If strangers that don't know my brother can show this kind of understanding and compassion, why the hell can't the people who know him give at LEAST the same consideration?
He won't get help because he has always been this way and he has built a life that shields him from having too much contact with people. The same way someone scared of heights doesn't live in a high rise.
His wife is outgoing. I think she went into the marriage thinking she could "bring him out". It caused a lot of problems at first. It seems good now. Amazingly he will do anything for his kids. He even volunteers as assistant coach sometimes for their sports. All his kids are outgoing.
Yes, peoples reaction to him runs the gambit. It's only after people realize he treats EVERYONE the same way do they understand it's not personal against them. Of course most aren't around long enough to see that.
I'm pretty sure that he was born with this phobia (or whatever it is) but I can say my dad, an extremely controlling person, didn't helped matters with the way he raised us. But that's another post.
"If strangers that don't know my brother can show this kind of understanding and compassion, why the hell can't the people who know him give at LEAST the same consideration?"
This shouldn't upset you RT. It's silly to say that, since it's impossible not to be upset at an injustice as severe as this, but..
Strangers can accept him better and with less conditions because we don't have to feel like we're responsible for any part of his condition.
The truth is your parents, and extended family members probably worry that they did something to bring this on, or at least exacerbate the situation.
Logically they know that isn't the case, but emotionally it's hard to be around someone who is emotionally different and not feel that it's in someway a shortcoming of your own that lies in question because you couldn't pull him out of this "situation".
Too few people take this for what it is; a severe mental "disorder" that deserves understanding, support, and space when needed.
It's a hard thing to have to prepare yourself daily with getting out there and meeting, talking, and possibly touching people who make your anxiety higher.
I mean it when I say it's not something that can be completely cured. Ever. Therapy, high doses of medication, and constantly being dipped directly into your fear can make it better but you'll always have a residue of fear that tarnishes most of what you do. The trick is to learn to live with the fear, which he has. Esp. since he can talk to someone, his wife or you.
He's managed to meet a woman and create a family. A family that probably understands him and does their best to accept and compensate for him.
I don't retract my previous statement, he's damn lucky to have you!
You are very likely a beacon of light that swims in the darkness. Someone that he can focus on when he needs to know that he's not a freak. That he's valued. God knows that you need that when something is missing in you...
You don't have to defend him to be just what he needs!
Thanks, Kind words and true words but my being just what he needs is a double edged sword.
Yes, we talk and get along but there is always another side.
I am the younger brother who has taken what would have been his practically by birth. I was the one that people used as an example growing up, as in "you should try to be more like your brother".
I can't help feel there has to be a little resentment towards me or at least sadness. *shrug*
I hear you.
I definitely do, but there is going to be a little resentment no matter what. Your siblings. Such is the way of brothers/sisters.
It's your parents/family that have put the wedge between the two of you. The sentence "you should be more like your brother" should never be used! But somehow always is.
That's not your fault. You just have to do the best you can by him, and it sounds like you are.
I just wanna say - you earned what you have RT. You can't feel bad being in the position (in the company) that your in. It sucks that he has problems, and it sucks even more because you love him but you're doing the right thing.
You haven't "taken" anything.
It's earned.
Rightfully.
Thanks, I hope you're right
I am.
Until you can trust that, I'll believe enough for the both of us.
:)
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