To Tell The Truth
He showed up to my office for lunch, late. I immediately could tell he was as high on something. More than likely some prescription medication, not prescribed to him. So it didn't start off well. I was irritated and in hindsight should have bailed on lunch then and there. I didn't because I knew he needed to talk to someone about his boyfriend situation.
His boyfriend, who is about twenty one, over twenty years younger than my friend, moved with his family about two thousand miles away. They broke up when he moved. For the last few months my friend has threatened to date other men but has yet to do so. As we entered the restaurant he told me he loved his boyfriend and wanted to fly out to see him to work something out.
He kept comparing his relationship to mine. That got old fast for many reasons. By the time we sat down to eat I decided to lay it all on the table. I asked if he wanted the truth? He said of course. I started by telling him that he had some serious questions to answer BEFORE running off to meet this guy.
Like why did his boyfriend go in the first place? He's an adult he could have stayed if he wanted too.
Why did he wait until the week before he left to tell you? Doesn't that say something?
What do you plan to accomplish by flying out there? Just seeing him won't fix anything.
Are you willing to support him? How?
Do you have the same goals in life as him? What are they?
If you move up there and he hasn't come out to his parents how will that work? Will it work?
Is his 21 year old boyfriend ready for a long term adult relationship?
His only answer to all these questions was that he loves him. To which I told him that in a long term relationship love is not enough.
Then he cried. Yes, tears rolling down the face, sobbing, the whole works. I felt bad for him but not because of the situation. To be honest I was more mad than anything. Here I sat across from my best friend, who had a privileged upbringing, is intelligent, has many high level skills, a great family and many friends and all I could think about was the mess he had made of his life. He lives with his parents, has no job and is high as a kite, crying in a public restaurant about a guy he can't have, all at the age of 45.
Maybe I'm a cold hearted person but DAMN! Help yourself before you go dragging someone down with you. First, get off the Fn' drugs. Second, get a job and support yourself. Then date someone that can handle the type relationship you want. That's probably not with a twenty one year old guy who just graduated college and hasn't come out to his family that he's gay.
I was embarrassed, upset and pissed. I didn't care that people where staring at us. He was out of control. I was mad that I hadn't been a good enough friend and let things get this far without saying anything. As high as he was at the time I didn't see the point of talking to him then but I'm thinking of writing him a letter telling him what I think. I'm not sure.
I am sure it was absolutely one of the wost lunches I have ever had.
11 comments:
Well done on the tough love. There is nothing like a bit of honesty in someones life, to kick start them back to reality.
He has to make choices in his own life now. He can either stand up and be counted, or back away. The choice at the end of the day is his to make.
On the other hand I am sorry to hear it was one of the worst lunches you have ever had. I mean for the food to be bad, and have to deal with your friend the way you did, is just unlucky.
I bet your friend will look back and say,
"That was one of the best lunches I ever had. I am so lucky to have a friend that is willing to lay it all out there for me. He kept me from making a big mistake."
I'm sorry you had a crappy time. but I am proud of you.
Thanks Darren. I guess most of us don't want to ask the hard questions in our life because we are scared of the answers we might find. I just hate to see him ruin his life.
:) I honestly don't know if the food was good or bad. I shoveled it down so fast I forgot to taste it. That's what happens when you have a guy crying, cussing and being loud about his lover in a crowded restaurant. :|
Daughter: Thanks :D, I hope he does think that. If he was looking for validation for his feelings he came to the wrong place. He did call me the most pratical person he knew when we left. I hope he meant it in a good way :-/
You did the right thing.
That's why it hurts. The right thing is never easy. It's never the path we really want to take.
I think writing the letter would be a great idea. Maybe giving him something to reread and reread until it sets in, is a good idea.
There's no miscommunication. You can lay it out, just like you did at lunch, except he'll have more of a chance to reread it when he's sober.
Also, you asked the right questions...
Good job, RT.
Daughter's right. If he's a real friend he'll look back on this lunch knowing you did the right thing for him.
{{{{RT}}}}
I think I will write the letter. I may post it before I give it to him.
Thanks (((Jen)))
I'd like to read it.
:)
He's 45 and lives with his parents? Blimey. Why is he your best friend, what do you have in common with him?
Do you think the kind of help he needs is beyond your remit?
Careful with people like this RT - they can bring you down with them.
Good question. Lets just say we know each other well. My family lived next to his since I was a one year old. When we get together (most times) we have a blast. We enjoy cracking on each other. Which is hilarious when you know someone so well. Lots of material to work with. He was there when I met the wife, when I had my children, everything.
Yes, I believe his real need for help is beyond my capacity but as a friend I have to do what I can. If things were reversed I think he would do the same for me.
I appreciate the concern but this guy won't bring me down. First, I know his past so I am careful and second, he's only seems to be self destructive :(
That puts things into a bit more perspective. So he's watched you grow from a child to a man and do all the things society expect us to do. He's still where he was when you were one year old.
I think all you can do is listen - I guess it can be frustrating though.
You underestimate the effect a self destructive person can have on you though - no matter how strong you are - especially if you care about them.
He's one of those people that always had grand plans but too grand to accomplish. When it becomes clear that reality doesn't match his fantasy he hits bottom, drinks pills and such.
This is what's happening now. He thinks his boyfriend and him are this big true love forever couple but the reality is smacking him in the face. I mean his boyfriend left him with out much concern. So it's to the parents couch to feel sorry for himself and pop pills to numb reality. This is his cycle about once every two years. Very sad to see someone so capable (he set's up and maintains large networks for advertising firms when he works) throw it away year after year.
Helping him through his alcoholic days, I learned to separate myself from him when I can't get through to him. There is only so much you can do for people who WANT to self destruct. Sometimes all you can do is let them hit bottom then help them pick up the pieces.
I think you mentioned he only just 'came out'. Do his parents know? I can't imagine its easy for them - the drugs if nothing else.
What he needs to do is move out and get a life of his own rather than living in yours and his parents'.
It might make him hit rock bottom - but sometimes you have to let yourself go there to get back out - rather than pretending everything is ok and floating through life denying yourself.
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