S.E.X.
Yep I'm going to talk about s.e.x. Sure it's fun, feels good and is a great way to connect with another person. Hey it's a beautiful thing but I have few questions. No, not about that. I have three kids, I think I know about THAT. Though, if you think you can teach me something new I might be willing to listen.
My question, which of course will bring an avalanche of more questions, is to what degree do we have, or does our partner have to satisfy our sexual needs, desires and fantasies? Especially when you are in a monogamous relationship and you count on your partner for all of your sexual needs and wants.
Say your partner likes having chocolate sauce poured all over them and licked off. (sorry if you were looking for something racier, maybe later... maybe not) Now you may not find anything sexual about this. Hell, you may not even like chocolate sauce but your partner sure does, a lot. So what's the obligation here? Indulge them one time then throw out the chocolate sauce every time they buy more? Eat chocolate a few times a month and put on few pounds to keep your partner satisfied? Get a doctors excuse saying you're allergic to chocolate? Then give up Thin Mints for the rest of your life?!!
Obviously if something is repulsive then it's off limits but where is the line? Do we even have the right to expect our partner to fulfill our non-traditional desires? What are traditional desires when it comes to sex anymore? I would think even a nun's fantasies involve more than the standard missionary position these days.
It may be an awkward subject but it can cause some serious issues in a relationship. I can't imagine what happened back in the days before premarital sex. Can you imagine marrying someone, then finding out they were into some freaky feather fetish?
10 comments:
Is that 'Midget S&M'? :)
I'm coming back to this... must sleep first!
:)
And YEA FOR INTERNET PORN!!!
:-D
Its an interesting one there is no right answer to. It depends on the relationship. I would expect a partner to want to understand your needs and satisfy them if possible, but then we should not make our partners do something they don't want to. Solution would be on a case by case basis where there is give and take so to speak.
Speaking openly about a fetish or a sexual desire is the first and hardest step. Once thats done then boundaries can be set.
I'll give most weird things a try once, but if it didn't engage one of us then no matter how much it turned the other on as a thought, in practice it wouldn't work unless we were both turned on by it. The fun thing about sex is that there's always some new weird twist if you're on the look out for them.
Depending on what the fantasy is, the fact that the other person is turned on by it can turn you on.
Hey, I'll try anything at least once. Well, almost anything.
But I think you're question is about "obligation" in monogamous relationships. There's the rub.
One would hope that needs far outside of the "ordinary" would have been discussed or explored at length PRIOR to finalizing a lifetime partnership.
The rest of it I have to think about for a while. A good topic, to be sure!
It's an interesting question, but what is more interesting is the fact that you asked the question in the first place by posting it on your own blog!
With my very limited psychology hat on, I'd jump straight to the conclusion that you are sexually bored in your relationship or else you wouldn't ask such a question in the first place - unless of course, you're asking on-behalf-of-a-friend!
Many couples who have been together for a few years will ultimately ask this question, or one like it. It turns out that human sexual desire knows almost no boundaries as is evidenced by porn on the net and the people who bump into the justice system which surfaces they're desires for all to know about - names like Max Mosely and Fred & Rosemary West spring to mind.
For some people, like Max Mosely, their deepest darkest perversions are private and not shared with their spouse. For Fred & Rosemary West, the evidence points clearly to a shared desire for sexually torturing kidnap victims with murder swiftly following.
As Dr Ruth would say time and time again, the secret to a long and sexually satisfying sex life is to share your deepest sexual desires with your partner. In doing so, you actually stand a chance of being sexually satisified if he or she is turned on by the idea of satisfying your desire(s).
Unfortunately many couples have secret desires which they never convey to the other person which leads to sexual disatisfaction on both sides. If only they would have talked openly about sexual fantasies from day 1, rather than waiting 10 years! My advice to you is to open the dialog as soon as possible!
Anonymous: Ha! Yes, I was well aware that people would assume I was talking about myself. As far as it being on my blog that's no big deal. Nobody that knows me in person reads my blog.
LOL, No I'm not asking for a friend, they can get their own damn blog if they want answers! :) And, I'm not bored with my sex life. The Wife knows perfectly well what I like and I'm pretty sure I have a good handle on what she wants but I guess one could never know for sure. My question is more centered on "what if you do know what your partner wants but you're just not into it?" How obligated is someone to satisfy their partners desires? Even if that desire is a turn off to them. I would assume that happens in every relationship. No two people are 100% compatible are they?
What if public sex really did it for your partner, should you drop your drawers outside and go at it just to please your partner? That's what I'm getting at.
Thanks for the comment, I appreciate it. :)
>How obligated is someone to
>satisfy their partners desires?
Apologies for not contributing properly to your core question. I will attempt to answer your question from an example that happens to be quite close to home for me...
My partner does things for me that previous partners wouldn't do. I have asked her on more than one occasion whether she finds the act(s) sexually stimulating for herself and her answer is interesting...she doesn't get off on the act of what she's doing for me, but rather, she gets sexual gratification in seeing me sexually gratified by her performing the act on me, which in turn, then gets me off seeing her sexually gratified as well as performing the act. It is a feedback loop that leaves everyone happy. She doesn't feel uncomfortable doing it and if she did, I certainly wouldn't want her to feel obligated to do it - to me, that would imply a complete lack of communication and respect.
Both of us are reasonably experimental up to a point but we both have no hesitation in saying what we wouldn't do when asked. To me, that's healthy sharing of sexual fantasy that in some scenarios results in us trying it out to see which way the wind blows. She would be horrified if she felt that I was doing something for her that I didn't feel comfortable doing and vice-versa.
So it clearly boils down to a good dose of healthy, no holds barred communication coupled with a very strong mutual respect.I'm pretty certain I'm just echoing Dr Ruth, so I'll shut up!
No need to apologize or shut up :)
I see your point. I've been thinking along those lines but could we take it further?
I'm just thinking out loud here. Is sex any different than anything else? To make my wife happy I would go to a restaurant I don't like, eat food she cooked I don't like, go to a movie I don't like, a party I don't want to and so on. So is doing a sexual act that does absolutely nothing for me the same? We do somethings for our partners just because it pleases them and for no other reason than love.
Or is it all apples and oranges and I'm just justifying something that can't be justified?
I'll have to keep thinking about this one. But I absolutely agree, communication is everything.
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