Crossing The Line
Over the last few weeks I've been struggling to concentrate on anything other than one subject. Recently I become aware that I'm not totally happy with some of the relationships in my life. More specifically I was feeling that some of them were out of balance. I wanted to address the problem with these people but when I said the problem out loud, to myself, it just sounded petty, and selfish. So I sat there knowing there was a problem, yet I couldn't define it in a way that would help me explain it to them without being dismissed as being selfish. Worse, what if I was just being selfish and petty. I needed to define the problem in terms that would help me understand as well as be able to articulate it to others.
How do we know our relationships are in balance? What separates a relationship with an acquittance from that of a friend? A parent from a wife? A brother from a best friend? What should we expect and what do we owe them. After much contemplation the easiest way for me to understand this was with lines. Each of us draws lines that we are willing, or not willing to cross, for each category. Where those lines are drawn depends a lot on what type person we are, how far we are willing to take things and how strong we feel about someone.
Obviously we are constantly adjusting our lines and moving them. Like wise, we continually shift the people in our lives to one side of these lines or the other. With this concept of lines I really have been able to put the relationships in my life in perspective. Furthermore, these same lines can identify where I need to do some work and where others are not putting forth the same effort as me. They can certainly give me a clear picture of how far I want to go with people or need to go.
With my children the line is clear. There is almost no line I wouldn't cross for them. Their dependence on me makes my responsibility to them very clear. Their lines are short because love is all they can offer at the beginning of their lives. Their lines will grow as they do. But identifying the rest of the lines isn't so easy. Every time we move a line further down we let that person deeper into our lives. The real problem comes when we cross a line another person is not willing to cross for us or doesn't realize they have stopped short of the line. Worse, they may have backed across a line they were once willing to cross.
So now I have a good tool to measure to see where I'm at with the relationships in my life. It might not tell me what the problems are but at least I know there is one. That it's not just me imagining something that's not there. That's a good starting point or at least a good starting line.
11 comments:
I once heard it said that in every relationship, wife to husband, parent to child, friend to friend... in every instance, it's always a give and take relationship. Meaning, that the relationship is always unbalanced - someone is giving (or taking) more then the partner. So one person is always compensating for the lack of "effort" (it's the only word I can think of that fits) the other person isn't putting into the relationship. But that wavers every day. Sometime you pick up the slack and sometime I do.
How do you tell if there is a line, if you've crossed the line, if it even can be crossed? Well, (again, I heard it once said) that there are bridges we cross that we didn't know we could cross until we've already crossed them.
The line itself? Imaginary. It's made to give you a basis for love, a point of reference for respect, a starting point for happiness.
So, in essence, if you've found that you've crossed a line/might soon be crossing one that you're not comfortable with, you need to back up. The only person important in this is you.
And in the same token, I don't think it's unreasonable to verbalize this concept with your mate/friend. They are (assuming here) adults, and they know damn well what/where that line is to.
Be honest, upfront and take care of yourself babe.
:blink:
Jen is Queen of Insight.
The only thing I can add is that the illustration assumes that relationships are reciprocal. It assumes that just because your commitment dictates that you "cross" certain "lines," that everyone's else's commitments are defined the same way. And you know what people say about "assume" - ing. Defining the commitments of others using your own example might lead to disappointment, especially if you are a person who believes that sacrfice is necessary in order to maintain relationships.
Now I must go ponder Jen's comment further. :-)
These points raised are why it took me weeks to get my head around this but I feel like I did.
I was careful NOT to place my definition of my relationships on to others. That's why placing my finger on why I feel there is a problem on the problem became so difficult. People can put the line wherever they want but me taking the time to notice where they place their line and where I've placed mine certainly gives me insight into our relationship.
Sure we all set our own lines. And, my lines will never be in the same place as the people I have drawn them for. But, once I identify my lines and to some degree theirs, I can certainly use it as a helpful tool.
The easiest and best example is the wife-husband relationship. My wife is my friend. In our relationship we are willing to do all the things we do for our friends for each other. But there are things (different for all marriages) that cross us over the friendship line to the marriage line. Maybe, but not necessarily, affection, sacrifice, emotional comfort, sex, etc... These things, whatever we define them as, makes our relationship different than other relationships. If she should choose to stop doing or accepting these things then she has crossed back over the friendship line and we are really no more than just friends.
Now there could be a million reasons for this to happen. The reason could be very valid as well. The point is, with this concept, I would know something had changed and I could then start focusing on the what and why. I don't know if I'm explaining this right or not but it works in my head. *sigh*
I think maybe you should backup and give us more information.
It's obvious from your blog that this is more then idle chatter.
Can you give us a rough idea of what's going on and with who? Our advice/ability to stay neutral might be easier that way...
*hug*
Another insightful comment, Jen.
She's right. This is obviously more than just one of those random thoughts that gets pondered during the course of a not-so-stimulating work day. And I guess it's obvious that the reason you felt you needed to somehow define "balance" in your relationships is because you are feeling that some of your relationships are "unbalanced."
So, what's unbalanced? Who has stepped back over a line they were once willing to cross? Whose lines are suddenly drawn differently, perhaps straighter and with less deviations? What, pray tell, is troubling you so that you need linear visual aids to even wrap your mind around it?
Still waiting...
:)
I'll get to this soon :)
Likely story...
LOL! I did. It's the above post.
opps, I just scrolled up. It's the second post up. :p
LOL! So you did.
:-P
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