Reality, a nice place to visit

As I was sitting in my chair,

I knew the bottom wasn't there,

Nor legs nor back, but I just sat,

Ignoring little things like that.

~Hughes Mearns

She told me she is the happiest she has ever been, that letting God guide her life allowed her to be the person she always wanted to be. "I no longer acted with my ego but now with my heart," she confessed. She had proof too, in the form of a letter announcing her appointment to the board of directors of a children's shelter she has been working with through her company. The letter was now framed and proudly displayed on her office wall for all to see. Furthermore, the pride and gleam in her eye was unmistakable as she told me her company's CEO emailed all 400 hundred employees to let them know she was the very model of philanthropy her company promoted. I was happy for her.

She told me that she had never felt closer to her children as I sat in her beautiful home that showed no evidence that children lived there at all. Not an easy feat with a 7 and 9 year old.

She told me that her new path allowed her to let go of judgments of others. Then she proceeded to tell me if I would just open my mind and heart to God I could get to the place where she was at. I wondered where she thought I was.

My sister recently asked me to come to her town, alone, so that we could talk. She wanted to discuss her religious and spiritual awakening. She wanted me to buy into what she said she wasn't selling very badly. But I couldn't, I can't. See, I'm more into reality and perception these days. I told her that too, not in a condescending way but to let her know I wasn't ready to travel her path. I explained my reality has been too real for me these past years to be able to look beyond it.

She said she had forgiven us all. For what I wasn't sure, so I asked. The list was long and eye opening. Mom, for her negative attitude towards her. Our brother's lack of interest in the birth of her children. The men of the house for not clearing our plates when she had to clean the kitchen. Dad for the few times he spanked her and us for laughing when he did. My parents for letting her friends pick on her. Dad for all the nightmares she had remembering the spankings my brother and me often received. Her ex husband for not being man enough to be her husband. The list went on and on...

Of course I realize that no matter how trivial these events seem to me they were traumatic and real to my sister. I didn't want to disregard her feelings but at the same time I was having a hard time relating to her pain knowing she was raised as close to a princess as I had ever known anyone to be. I was having an even harder time understanding why these events that happened, mostly, over 25 years ago were still issues to her today. So much of an issue that she said she almost cut us all out of her life a few years ago.

During the long drive home and since, I've been bothered by our conversations. My brain has been struggling with her version of reality versus mine. She says she's happy. She says she has only positive thoughts. She says she doesn't judge people anymore. I can clearly see she believes all of this, and therefore if she thinks she's happy then she IS happy, right? So does it matter that the things she professes to feel are the opposite of what she's projecting? Her happiness appears as loneliness, her positive thinking comes off as controlling, her none judgement seems condescending... But that's my reality, in her's she's perfectly happy. I guess that's where I need to let her be... and to be honest, it is a nicer place to visit than it use to be.

Call me petty

I can be petty. There I said it. It's true. I guess I'm a person that believes the devil is in the details and the details can be... well, pretty petty sometimes.

Recently the wife and I have been having issues over some online friends she maintains and the things they are into. Mostly the problem has been about typical stuff, spending too much time online with them, too much time on the phone with them, too much twittering with them, too much... really just too much with them. This excess has led to other problems which led us to have a big heart to heart about all of it.

After our talk she agreed she was rather obsessed with it all and that she knew it was hurting our marriage and in some areas the children too. I never asked her to give up any of it as I thought the time she spent participating in that stuff should be her idea. Forcing someone to to make a choice is not really making a choice at all is it?

So, over the last few months she has cut way back on her computer time. For the most part things have been better because we've both been trying to put our family and each other first. BUT, there has been the occasional moments when I have walked in a room to see her huddled in a corner with her phone, only to put it away when she realizes I'm in the room. Or, turning her computer off when I come in from outside unexpectedly. I haven't said anything other than telling her it wasn't necessary to do that because acting suspicious only tends to make others be suspicious. If she wants to do it, she needs to just do it.

Then over Christmas holidays she announced she was going to the phone store to buy a Blackberry. A phone she has wanted for a long time because it will allow her to be in non-stop communication with her online friends. A phone she knows I would have an issue with. This was confirmed when she asked me to set it up for her, "even though I know you may have a problem with the reason I got this phone can you help me set it up?" I did, without saying a negative word.

The days that followed I noticed her spending more time shut-up in our bedroom away from the family. Upon my entry I noticed she very slyly slipped the phone into a drawer. Why.? I have no idea because I have said nothing about the phone. Of course my lack of interest in it probably says it all.

So here's the petty part, I'm not going to take calls from her new cell phone, for now anyway. Childish? Perhaps... ok sure it is, but clearly the phone was not purchased to communicate with me, in fact, it was purchased knowing on some level it would hurt me.

I know writing this makes me sound like some kind of control freak but that clearly isn't the case. I've demanded she give up nothing. As I've said, I know it has to be her decision. I have not tried to guilt her or manipulate her into doing things my way. I've simply stated how I feel and let her decide how she wants to react, no retaliation, until now I suppose. She had a great phone before, she has her own laptop that I have told her I won't use or even touch. The phone she had did almost everything the Blackberry will do but the Blackberry is what all her internet friends use.

So call me petty if you want to, but don't call me at all if you are using her Blackberry, because for now, I'm not going to answer. thhhhpppppp!!!!