All for one, One for goodbye

Some friends of The wife, who have become friends of mine, are in the beginning stages of a divorce. Not an uncommon tale, high school sweethearts, married for 14 years with three kids. He is a bit immature but always provided for his family, and by his soon to be ex-wife's admission, a great dad. They had an all to common set-up I'm seeing more and more these days. He was willing to let her run the house, and their lives, as long as he was allowed to have his toys and his boy time. Not a setup I'd be comfortable with but they seemed happy with it. Though I wonder if a wife doesn't start to see a husband like this as another one of the children and lose respect for him.

For the last 5 years they have worked together to put her through school. During this time it became obvious that the main purpose for the family was to help her get her degree. His friends joked that when she did get it she would leave him. The closer she got to her degree the more empowered she felt and the more distant he became. The day after her graduation she approached him about repairing their marriage, on her terms. Much to her surprise, he told her he wasn't interested, he didn't love her anymore and he already had other plans. He would be leaving as soon as she got a job. She never saw it coming.

For the past few weeks she has tried to talk him into marriage counseling but he "checked out" months ago. Looking back she can see now that she put him behind her goals and ambition, even though he was helping make them possible. All the signs were there, like him going to the gym most nights, after the kids went to bed, for 5 hours at a time. She never bothered to question this or check to see if he was actually going.

I have to wonder how many times he tried to get her attention by acting out by doing something obviously wrong only to be ignored, enforcing the notion that she didn't care. So months ago he realized he wasn't important in her life, started making other plans and checked out.

Now it's time for the divorce. He can't wait to move out and start the life he's been planning for months. She is just starting to come to terms with the thought of a new life, a very different life. He is happy, she is mad. He is relieved, she is angry. Of course he was where she is now but that was months ago, and she didn't notice or care. The divorce will get ugly. She is talking about restricting his parental rights through the courts. I guess the fact he is a "great dad" doesn't matter now. The children will suffer. In the end he will probably realize that he should have stayed and tried to work it out. He will realize all the things she was doing for him that he never thought about. No one will win and everyone will lose.

It seems to me a little bit of appreciation and attention could have prevented the whole situation. It's a lesson I won't forget anytime soon... I hope.