My son's best friend had cancer two years ago.
December 12, 2007
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The way I think about what I think
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- David
- Georgia, United States
- The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time.
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17 comments:
yeah, I don't blame you for being hesitant about this. If you don't quite get it, your always going to worry. Seven isn't too young to deal with death though, to me there shouldn't be an age limit, it shouldn't be terrifying and awful and something reserved for adults to deal with. Going through hard things makes us stronger - as long as he has your help and support and you communicate openly with him about it, it may even have a positive impact on his life - give him insight and compassion that will stand to him as he grows up.
The concern that I would have about it, and reading between the lines you seem to be on the same wavelength as me - I would just hope that the families 'attachment' to him doesn't mean that he would be too much a focus of their grief, or have too much pressure put on him to help them all. I think that would be a little much for a seven year old, it'd be a little too much for me. So again, it's a case of talking to him a lot to make sure he's not unduly pressured or upset.
This is a tough one. The natural order of things is generally we grow old and die. Most kids experience death for the first time when a pet, or a grandparent passes away. So when someone passes before their time, it causes other issues other than just the death theme.
Firstly, I think you are perfectly right to let your son play with his friend. In your sons eyes, disease or trauma should not be something that is avoided. Don't scare your son into acting differently around the other boy, however try to explain in a short basic term whats happening.
Kids are resilient, and a few things are going to happen when they play. A lot of it will be them just getting on with things. The other kid will really appreciate that, because older people are going to keep reminding him of his situation (not on purpose, but the kid will pick up on it). The other thing is, they will talk about it between themselves. There is nothing you can do about them talking. They will come to an understanding of the situation that suits their mind, however both will have questions that they will look to their parents for answers.
Don't lie to them! Always be their for them and give them answers that you see fit, and discuss what questions and answers come up with the other parents.
Death will come to the other child, its a sad fact of life, but it may not be for a long time. Your son will need time to grieve, but again be there for whatever he needs.
My younger brother has come through the death of his brother, and another young kid in his school that he was friend with.
It is not a nice experience, and you will make mistakes. Just do whats right by the kids and you will be just fine.
Lou: You read my feelings right. I have two concerns. The first, as you pointed out, is the family leaning on him too much to make their son's last days perfect. As you said it's a lot to ask of anyone, especially a seven year old boy.
My other concern is his loss of innocence. I grew up sheltered. I had a great childhood and I was hoping to provide the same for him. I know this is bigger than that hope but to what degree do I let him experience this kind of loss? God knows he will have enough to deal with when he gets older.
He will be allowed to be there for them but I will always wonder at what price to him. :(
Darren: I agree with all that you said. The last time we went through this my son was five. We coached him to not mention the hair loss and other things. He did good too. At seven things will be different. He still thinks doctors can cure anything with a pill. If his friend dies he will know different. It will change his outlook on life. A lot earlier than I wanted it changed but that is nothing compared to losing a child.
Obviously I will keep my selfish thoughts to myself and let him help where he can.
I'll take strength in knowing your brother wasn't damaged by a similar situation but I am sorry he had to experience it at all but especially so young.
:( my thoughts go out to that poor family.
I'm not sure what I would do - but as others have said kids are stronger and more resiliant than we give them credit for. There is no doubt this experience will affect your son - but possibly in a positive way. Unfortunately he will lose some of his innocence but that would happen anyway - in one way or another.
The other thing about the family's dependancy on him, maybe you could cross that bridge when you come to it - if at all. They're a family of 7? So there are other children?
Can I ask which one of your sons they've grown attached to? Is it the one who's good at sports? The one who accused the old man of kicking him? :)
If so - maybe the family and that poor boy probably like having him around because he's so normal and doesn't treat the by as 'the boy with cancer'. :)
I'm SO sorry, RT. What a horrific ordeal for not only the little boy and his family but everyone who's grown to love him.
I agree, the whole thing is sad and confusing.
As for your son dealing with death at an innocent seven years old it's too young for any child but it'll still be too young when he's 18 or 30. You never want to see your child go through something so traumatic.
It will change him. It'll change the way he looks at the world and how he perceives life. But maybe instead of being more jaded, he'll have a chance to value more beautiful moments in life even when they're hard to find. Maybe he'll hold tighter to the friends and family he has.
I can honestly say that being forced into confronting loss at that tender age makes a difference to who you are later in life too. It has for me anyways.
The memory of loss makes me love the people who have touched my life even more then if I had never suffered bitter anguish.
I think he'll work through it if he knows he can talk to you guys about it. Be open and welcome his fear, anger, and pain. Help him express it. Help him find a way to own it, instead of it owning him.
Luckily, he has good parents so in the long run he'll be OK.
That's all in my opinion though. Every person functions differently. But I know with a good support team at home he'll be able to move past the pain.
The one thing that I'd mention, and only because some people neglect to see it before it's too late (I know this isn't the case with you, but it has to be said out loud) - cancer is a horrible way to die. Aside from the emotional changes his body will go through, he'll look different and have different levels on energy.
By the time the end comes, he may be an entirely different little guy.
I would talk to your son and go over the basics of what he might see. Not to say that you have to go through intense details, but physical and emotional changes can be super scary, I imagine even more so to see it as a kid.
I'd be hesitant too!
I know it's the "right" thing to do, loaning your child out to ease his friend's suffering, but what a horrible decision for you to make as a parent.
I don't know that I could be as compassionate as you are.
The whole thing is shitty. I wish you lots of luck in weathering the sadness, and lots of comfort for the long nights ahead.
We'll be here when you need us...
**I reread what I wrote and I'd just like to say that I hope that we're all talking about nothing, that he'll beat the cancer again, and life will open up fully for him.
Either way this could go it will still be hard.
I don't envy his position, the position of his family, or of the people who value his life.
*sigh*
I wish there was a better answer for it all...
On another note, loaning your son out is a great idea - as long as he's still having a good time.
If there comes a time when he doesn't want to visit anymore, you gotta respect that too.
It's a hard journey for an adult to make, much less a little dude.
Hopefully I don't sound like I'm being bossy.
I'm just trying to be supportive of you removing him from the situation if it begins effecting his life too much, in a way that's unhealthy.
Even at the expense of someone else's happiness, your child is more important.
What a hard place to be in.
{{{{{RT}}}}}
Hmmmm. I have to think about this one a little bit more. on the one hand, I agree with what folks have said. On the other hand, I think that the way death is handled in your family as a whole is going to be the deciding factor in how your son reacts to the process, whether the process ends with his friend succumbing or it ends with him beating it once again.
I shall ruminate before I run my mouth off.
"On the other hand, I think that the way death is handled in your family as a whole is going to be the deciding factor in how your son reacts to the process, whether the process ends with his friend succumbing or it ends with him beating it once again." -Daughter
*nod*
I agree.
20 Something: Yes, there are four other children. Three are older and a three year old.
Yes it is the one that accused the man of kicking him. They had this thing with my son before their son had cancer. Picture bringing your child to their house and the whole family comes to the door to meet him and escort him inside. They ALL wan him there.
He is an outgoing kid that demands attention. It can be entertaining right up until it gets annoying (for us anyway) but I think you're right, he brings normalcy to an emotional situation.
Jen: I see you have given this about as much thought as I have. I appreciate that. It is tough because I love my son the way he is now. I know he will grow up but I hate to rush it. Childhood is such a short magical part of life.
I will tell him what to expect. I guess all I can do is support him, cross my fingers and pray for the best. I will take your advice and remove him from the situation if I see to much negative effects. That is my responsibility to him.
Daughter: Great point. We haven't had to deal with death as a family yet, thank the Lord. I will try to be very cautious of our reaction to it.
Everyone: I want to thank you guys for the thoughtful input. I'm stunned at the effort you put into your comments. I don't get this kind of feed back from face to face conversations with family and friends. Don't think it goes unnoticed or unappreciated. Thanks.
{{{{{{RT}}}}}}
"I will tell him what to expect. I guess all I can do is support him, cross my fingers and pray for the best."
Something that helped us move through the cancer discussion in our house was looking up factual information on the internet (which is ridiculously hard to find), and stopping into the library.
Maybe finding out from his folks what stage he's in, and what the prognosis is will help direct you better in what needs to be touched on and what doesn't.
Just more suggestions.
It's a hard thing to deal with at any point in life.
I am also glad, as horrible as it is to say out loud (but I don't mind being tactless and horrible), that I'm reading this about someone else. That your family is healthy.
Scary scary scary...
I think I left this quote on Jen's blog a while ago, too... but it's one of my favorties:
"Anyone and everyone can and will die. It's living that takes true courage."
Children have an innate understanding of this concept that is yanked out of them with time and societal "norms" about disease and death.
You've told your son not to mention the changes that his friend will inevitably undergo. Why? Kids talk about, ask about, and explore everything. That's their job. Wouldn't you think it a little strange if your friend refused to talk about the changes you were going through? Maybe even giggle about them a bit? Sure, you'd expect a stranger to keep his or her mouth closed, but not your friend.
I guess what i am trying to say is that Death is not "Life's Dirty Little Secret." As a matter of fact, there is only one cause of death, and that's life. The ride has to end sometime, and to tell the truth, death seems like a bargain price to pay for the thrilling adventure series that IS Life.
Death affects adults in a completely different way than it affects children. Adults tend to think of death as a problem that must be solved, a contingency that must be planned for. And because you never know when your ride is gonna be over, there's really no sane way to plan. So we worry. We buy insurance. We tell our spouses that we hope they'll "move on." We fear. Children are not so encumbered. They learn how to deal with sickness and death from how you deal with it. And if it's something "we shouldn't talk about," or "something that's so hard to deal with," or something to fear in your house, then that is what your son will do.
Your son will ask you questions. I hope you will answer them honestly and without fear. I like Jen's idea about doing some research and discussing stages, treatments, changes, etc, in a matter-of-fact and non-judgemental way. After all, it isn't the possibility of his friend's death that's the important thing here... it's the life that he has yet to live.
Just my opinion.
"Children are not so encumbered. They learn how to deal with sickness and death from how you deal with it." -Daughter
I agree.
If it's something that you push into the closet, ignore, pretend that it isn't real - it'll become something they fear.
And it doesn't need to be.
RT, you'll do the right thing.
Even as your struggling. You care the most about your kids. I can see it in the way you write about them, the pictures you post. You will find exactly the right path.
It's different for everyone, but the right way is in front of you.
I have faith in that.
There are wisdom in your words Daughter. I can't deny any of them and I plan to implement almost all the advice I have received on this issue.
But it won't be easy. As a parent I want to shelter him from some of the more unpleasant truths of life. Which from what I've read is my view of death, not his.
We told him not to make fun of his friends hair when he was 5 because we didn't want him to tease his friend. As it turned out (which backs up what you have written) he was very compassionate with his friend at the time but death was not on the table then. He has grown a lot in two years so it's a whole different child.
I will absolutely be aware of how we approach death and try to keep it the natural process it is. That should help.
Jen: Thanks for the confidence. I'll make sure I earn it *nod*
I plan to let the wife read this post and all the comments. I think she needs to.
Good idea about letting your wife read!
:)
Oh and thanks for giving me the huggy things, Daughter!
{{{{{Daughter}}}}}
I must fall back on the hug when there's a verbal pause.
*blush*
I left a long comment here that caused an "error" message. I'm going to go ahead and take that as a sign that it wasn't meant to be.
Instead, I'll just leave "huggy thingies" for both you and Jen, RT... I think the both of you could use a bit of "healing touch" these days. :-)
{{{{{{{RT}}}}}}}}}}
{{{{{{{JEN}}}}}}}}}
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