Sex, lies, and don't show me the video tape
I went out to eat with the family a few weekends back. We always go early so if the kids are loud they won't bother anyone. When we walked in the restaurant there was only one other customer and he was a friend of ours.
He's going through a horrible divorce and since we're good friends with his ex wife, we have been trying to stay neutral about the split. This was actually the first time I'd seen him since the whole thing went down. I asked him to sit with us which seem to make him happy.
We had already heard her side of the story. He was controlling. He called her a thousand times a day. He accused her of cheating, forced sex and more. I spent the next hour listening to his side. A tale that would give a soap opera a run for its money. She had been cheating on him, with his best friend no less. There were private detectives, secret tape recorders, people on crack and more, much more. Seems she doesn't care about the two children ages nine and five. I sat listening in disbelief, believing every word.
After all that he told us he would still take her back. He had told her the day before, as a matter of fact, that she was welcome to come home. I was stunned. I've known this guy for 15 years and I would never have thought he would do that. I didn't think he was the type. How could he? How could he live a life wondering where she was and what she was doing. Going crazy every time she went out, worried that she is doing something wrong. That's no life. I told him that too but he didn't even blink. He said after a 17 year marriage he was willing to try to put it back together. Where is his pride?
Later, I wondered how a 17 year old marriage could go so bad. How could you know someone that well and not know them at all? How could you resort to the things they did to deceive and hurt each other? Can love be tossed that easy? Can the life we make today mean absolutely nothing tomorrow? I mean really, how could she? Then I thought, how could he? Then I thought of the wife. Funny how hearing friends go through these things makes you think about your own situation. But I didn't think of it for long because as I told my friend, that's no way to live.
24 comments:
Yeah, It's really weird after so many people don't make it and you do, then situations like the one you outline where you know what you would have done, that is no life, you are right.
I'm just so glad I have been with my wife so long and everything is hunky dory.
Hmmmm.
I have no way to respond to this without becoming overly passionate from the benefit of personal experience.
I can say this: forgiveness is a magical thing. It's a lot easier to be forgiving if you truly love someone.
I can say that I've lived in ways that no one should live... I can also say that my husband has lived in ways that no one should live.
Each of us has struggled with virtue. Each of us has made decisions that we've later regretted. Each of us has hurt the other, often apurpose. I've been amazed at my husband's ability to forgive me my trespasses, as I have been amazed at my own ability to forgive his.
And in case you're wondering, he asked me to come back home and I did. He accepted me back home, forgave me, and continues to raise the baby I concieved while I was "away" as his own.
Lots of people told him the same thing you told your friend... and worse.
Just a thought from the other side...
"Hello, this is Homer Simpson aka Happy Dude! The court has ordered me to call every person in town to apologize for my telemarketing scam. I'm sorry. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, send one dollar to : Sorry Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. You have the power!"
It is amazing what people will do for love. Everyone has watched the Simpsons, and we all see on countless occasions how Homer has ruined his marriage, and how often Marge forgives him. All for 1 reason, she loves him. And the truth be known we can all understand her taking him back. We have built a relationship with Homer ourselves. We understand his errors, his flaws. We also know how good their marriage is when things are going right.
Patty and Selma don't understand cause they don't know Homer and never shared that sort of love.
It is not a long jump to imagine someone in reality, that you know and love more and deeper, making a mistake, and asking to be forgiven.
Of course every case is taken on its merits and depends on the people involved.
HB: I feel the same way but this story is sad proof that you never know 100%. Two years ago he would have bet his life his marriage was rock solid.
Daughter: I have tried to put myself in his shoes. When I walked in to that restaurant and he was eating alone, it hit me that his life had changed dramatically. I admit I have no experience with this kind of forgiveness. I can only guess at what I would do, but trust is huge. Can you really ever get it back? The whole thing scares the hell out of me.
And I admire your husband for recognizing that the children are not at fault. Good for him for taking on the responsibility.
Darren: Strangely, I understand what you mean. I just have a hard time swallowing the part where the person that you love more and deeper could do that to you.
In this case when he started realizing his wife might be cheating he confided in his best friend. Of course that's who she was cheating with, so the friend went right back to her and told her everything he said. Worse the best friend was ADVISING him on what to do. She actually hired a detective to follow his best friend because she thought he was cheating on her. WTF? I would think things had gone to far to go back, but you don't know till it happens to you.. I guess.
It's well hard when you have to listen to two sides of the story! Who is being more honest?
It is weird how a marriage that long could break out - but you you never know what goes on behind closed doors like you have just discovered. I think some people live in misery for ages and then something like this happens leading to final breakage.
Yeah, the wife and I talked about who's side of the story we believed more. In the end it doesn't matter, it's their mess and their life. I do feel bad for the kids.
You're right, who knows what goes on in private. They always seemed happy to us.
We're human and we all make mistakes. It takes a bigger person to forgive - but I honestly believe that people never forget. If someone cheated on me with my best friend - it depends on the person and the relationship on how I would react. But I could never trust them again. Maybe I could even learn to trust them - but as you say I would always be wondering.
You say you can't undestand why he would have her back. When you're that low you'll do anything to make it better - self respect and pride don't come into it.
There are mistakes and then there are MISTAKES. This guy lost his wife, his best friend, his family and the life he thought he had in front of him, all at the same time. I don't know how you can get over that.
I can understand being low and wanting to put it back the way it was but how often does that work for the long run? Seems like you're just putting of the misery for later. I don't know and I hope I never do.
I go by one rule; If the wife cheats on me with someone I don't know, she dies, If it's with someone I know, they both die.
Now that I can understand! LOL
(I hope you're joking HB) :|
I even worry myself, never had to test the rule though.
The best thing to do would be to cut them out of your life.
Yes he lost everything and she destroyed him. In time he'll see that. But at the moment he can't imagine a future ... he's hanging on to what he beleived in for so long. It'll take time to let go and finally accept that she isnt the future he thought.
lol, cut them out of your life I think that's the way HB was talking about handling the situation.
I agree with you. It just seems so obvious to us. She doesn't see the kids. She just got fired from her job because she followed this guy to Florida. He's a crack head with no money and no future but still she chose him. What's not to get? But I do get it. He loves her or at least the life he had with her. :(
It just seems so obvious to us I can say in all honesty that I know his situation. Sometimes you can't see the wood for the trees. or you know that something is bad for you - but you just can't help yourself.
Although from the sounds of her - she's the one that needs help. She can't like herself very much.
He loves her maybe - humans are creatures of habit. he's used to having her around - good or bad. he'll just have to get used to her not being around.
"harbinger said...
I go by one rule; If the wife cheats on me with someone I don't know, she dies, If it's with someone I know, they both die. "
What happens if you cheat?
If I cheat, then the world has started spinning backwards, or gone into a black hole or something.
Rule #2; If you want to have a romance with someone else, SAY SO! beforehand- then we can work something out.
Harb: Kinky!
If I cheat, then the world has started spinning backwards ... never say never. I didn't think I was capable.
I "made it known" beforehand and it didn't seem to change the outcome one little bit - I had "permission" to explore my emotional unrest... though I do have to say that "leading a double life" ain't my style anyway, so lying was not an option.
By the same token, at the inception of my marriage, I made it clear that I would not promise to "forsake all others" because it's an unreasonable expectation of a human being. Even that was (shockingly!!) forgotten in the melee of pain that my decisions wrought. I didn't refuse to promise because I planned to be "unfaithful," I refused to promise because both my MSU and I are HUMAN.
So it does seem that regardless of promises made or NOT made, regardless of making one's intentions known beforehand, the concept of "cheating" has permeated too much of our society to allow people to think creatively about their relationships.
BUT... I gave MSU an out - one that NO ONE would dispute - and he didn't take it. RT's friend does not surprise me in the least, and sitting where I am now, I can honestly say that there is a chance for them to save their relationship IF THEY WANT TO.
HB: I'm the same, I could never see myself cheating. As for her telling me ahead of time... I don't share well. That's not going to work either. It's an all or nothing situation with me. Of course I've never had my heart stomped through my chest in that way, so who knows when you actually have to live it.
20 Something: You're right, you never do know. Maybe one day Courteney Cox will throw herself at me.. *thinking dirty thoughts*... but short of something like that I can't see it.
When did you cheat anyway?
Daughter: If you had an understanding going in then it could hardly be called cheating. I do have to ask you, why get married at all? What's the point? I guess it all comes down to how we define marriage and how we define our relationships? Whatever it is we agree to going in, whatever we vow to uphold becomes the thing that binds us.
I did find this part of your comment curious I didn't refuse to promise because I planned to be "unfaithful," I refused to promise because both my MSU and I are HUMAN., are you saying it's impossible to be faithful? Are you saying that in a physical sense or mental? That statement scares me a bit.
As far as my friends go, at this point she wants nothing to do with her ex, or her family for that matter. She JUST wants her lover.
If you get a chance I wish you would blog your definition of marriage. As a matter of fact I wouldn't mind seeing everybody's definition of marriage.
Okay. I didn't read the last 20 comments because I wanted my opinion to be my own. Not my own with a touch of what everyone else said. So excuse me if I repeat something already said...
I think the only way he could take her back, and make it work is to stop caring where she is, and if she's screwing around. Really. If he wants his "friend" back and doesn't mind not having a dedicated wife, then more power to him. However, if he expects her to come home and go back to a "tradition arrangement" he's probably going to be sorely disappointed. That's unfortunately how that stuff works though.
It is a sucky way to live if you have to worry about what your significant other is doing, so you either find a new partner or you stop worrying about that stuff. There aren't a lot of other options.
As for wondering how he could know her but not really ever know her (or vise versa) maybe they never knew each other truly. It's possible that they both married the people they wanted their partner to become, not who they really were. In which case it stands to reason that they'd eventually get sick of it and self destruct. And it's easy to use cheating, lying, or any other number of things to be the breaking point when in reality there were always problems.
You ask "Can love be tossed that easy?"
Hell yes!! It's easy to love someone, and easier to love them from a distance. Just because I love my ex-husband doesn't mean I'm willing to let him smack me when he gets too drunk, and screw every woman he meets. Does it hurt to leave him? Sure. Why? Because there is still something in him I love (or at least I think there might be.) Is it enough to hold an entire marriage together? HELL NO. Will I subject my son to watching that nightmare every day? No. Love isn't enough. Let me repeat that, Love isn't enough. It will never be.
Can the life you make with your partner today mean nothing tomorrow? Sure. If your both taking completely different meanings out of what's going on. If two people, even two people who "love" each other, are pulling on the same rope in different directions for long enough, one side is eventually going to give. There's no way to stop that, except to make sure both people are on the same side. Unfortunately, people rarely communicate efficiently about what they really want. It's easy for me to be clear about what you want to hear from me, but it's hard to be honest about something you might not want to hear.
What if you chew with your mouth open, and I secretly hate it but I don't want to hurt your feelings.. the flip side of that if that you hate it when people chew with their mouth open too, but you didn't realize you were doing it. By my inability to tell you what I really want from you, we're both suffering. And there's only so long that I'm gonna suffer until I eventually stop going out to eat with you... I know it's not a good example but it works in my head.
It isn't a good way for your friend to live, by putting himself in a situation where he'll be in constant torment, but there's every chance that he likes being in that situation. Or that she's his best friend, and he just wants that back in his life. Maybe he's ready to let the tradition marriage slide. Marriage means a different thing to everyone...
I know this was all kinda long winded, but I haven't slept yet.
*yawn*
Good post though RT. I haven't read the other comments but I suspect you've at least got people thinking. That in itself is a good thing. :)
Oh, and be sure you want a definition of marriage before you ask for one! You might not like what you read.
*wink*
Thanks Jen,
I can see you have some experience with this subject. Apparently, my lack of personal experience with cheating or being cheated on has hindered my ability to see past the offense.
I agree communication is the key to a healthy relationship, along with honesty and trust. And yes I really do want to know peoples definition of marriage. Daughter was brave enough to post hers and I very much appreciate it. My world expands as I see past my own borders.
A little update: We saw the girl of the above story at my sons game Friday night. She was miserable but has no plans to go back to him.
Post a Comment