One of the most eye opening realizations I have discovered while blogging came from fellow blogger Daughter. She made the simple but powerful assertion that there is never a reason to lie. Further, she contends that all lies only go to serve the purpose of the person telling them. Powerful stuff that had my mind churning. Still does.
Being a person that has always prided myself as being very honest, even though I did tell a few white lies now and then, I disagreed with her. I just couldn't accept that there was no room in life to spare people's feelings if the brutal truth was not required or needed. Daughter pointed out that not believing someone can handle the truth was a sign of disrespect. Again, at the time, I disagreed with her.
What made it worse was that I got the feeling, because I admitted I lied and saw nothing wrong with it under "the right circumstances", she would no longer be able to believe anything I said. If I remember correctly she even made a comment stating that fact. I've been called a lot of things in my life but never dishonest, not really. It stung, more than a little.
After much thought, I had to admit Daughter was and is right. Despite my effort to find a lie that could be justified, I couldn't. Looking back now I find it funny, and odd, that I tried and wanted to defend the practice of lying. Still, in all my contemplation about the truth she offered me about... well, The Truth, I have come to some conclusions.
There are times in my life when I am going to lie. Yes, lying is selfish and self serving but there are times in my life when I am selfish and I am self serving. Try as I might I'm not perfect. I can honestly say I'd be lying if I said I will never tell another lie. What I can say is that I'll do my best not to lie, especially when it counts the most.
So does this lack of will power or flaw in my character mean that I'm not a honest person? I don't think so. How could that be when I've already admitted I do in fact tell lies and will continue to do so at times? I believe that's where trust comes in. If people were honest 100% of the time then the word trust would lose it's status as a very important part of our lives. It doesn't take much trust if you know everything I'm going to tell you is the whole truth, even though it should be. Where trust really gets challenged is when you trust enough in me to know, despite my occasional tendency to be selfish or give into discomfort, when the truth is required or desired I will give it. Further, you will have to trust, that despite the fact I might tell a lie because the truth would make me uncomfortable, I am in no way disrespecting you by giving into
my human emotions.
Over time don't we prove that we are trustworthy even though we are not perfect? Don't the people who trust us trust that we will know when to be brutally honest and when to read between the lines? Over time I have learned, "does this outfit make me look fat?" is not an invitation for me to express my exact thoughts of how my wife looks in her clothes or her level of fitness but that she is really asking, "do I look alright in this outfit?", or "Will I make a fool of myself if I wear this out in public?", or "I'm in need of a compliment." I'm not defending a lie in this situation, I'm simply stating that the trust she has in me can overcome my discomfort of being totally honest and still accomplish what she needs.
As an adult... as a human, I have the ability to evaluate when I need to ignore my emotions and discomfort and when giving into them will not cause serious harm. I believe that earned trust can help balance the flaw that it is to tell a lie, to a degree. The question for me isn't always "Do you believe me?" but more to the point, "Do you trust me?" Because every word that comes out of my mouth could be the truth but without trust would it matter?
Please don't see this post as an attack on Daughter or her position. As I said, I think she is right. I am very grateful to her for opening my eyes to a new and proper way of looking at my interaction with others, even if I'm not always strong enough in character to take it. I like to think I'm a better person for it. Had she not shared her position with me I doubt I would have given it much thought at all. I will always be grateful for those who push me to think, especially when it's in the right direction for the right reasons. And, don't think for a minute that I miss the irony here. Had Daughter not been so honest with me, had she decided it would be uncomfortable for her to be so honest about honesty I would have missed out on this important revelation. I get that loud and clear. It just strengthens her case that honesty all the time is the best policy. This isn't lip service either, it's just the truth.
