What's my line?
Two of the reasons for why I came up with my line concept.
Recently The Wife has taken up an interest outside of the family. Since I like her to be happy, and I think everyone needs to have their own thing, I encouraged her pursue this interest. When she needed my help I was glad to do it. As with most new things she went a little overboard. Well, maybe more than a little. I also didn't get this new interest of hers, which isn't a problem because I don't have to, it's her thing. I've also been careful to not be negative about it because it's making her happy.
The time and effort The Wife was putting into this new interest started to become a sore subject with me. Not only did she not have any time for me, the kids were starting to complain too. I think when a five year old notices mom is doing something too much it's a problem. Still, I thought I would give the newness time to wear off. It didn't.
When I decided it was time to address the situation with her, everything I thought to say sounded selfish, except for the part about the kids. "You're not paying me enough attention" is what everything I thought to say ended up sounding like. It also would sound like I was jealous of her new interest, which I wasn't. Worse, I realized that while I was trying to do what I could to make her happy she seemed to care little or nothing about my happiness. I was not a happy camper. I needed to express this in a way she wouldn't get defensive and take it as an attack on her new interest.
That's what the line post was about. That and my best friend. When I explained to her that I felt our relationship had lost it's balance and that she was doing no more in our relationship than a friend would do she seemed to understand. Instead of addressing her new interest I was able demonstrate the problem in away she could see it.
Also, my relationship with my best friend has been on the rocks. It's been bothering me for some time. Now I can see that other areas of his life are more important to him than our friendship. I know that sounds selfish but it's not. I just had to realize no amount of effort on my part will make things the way they once were. I realized it's time to let go and apply my efforts in other directions. My line concept made that obvious.
6 comments:
I'm glad you were able to find the "line concept." It seems that it was quite helpful to you.
I'd like to suggest a book for you to read (maybe returning the favor??). "The Female Brain," by Louann Brizendale, M.D. I think you will enjoy it, and it will help you understand some of the changes that your wife (and soon your daughter!!) undergoes on an almost daily basis.
What's The Wife's new "hobby"?
I will order the book tomorrow... and read it when it arrives. ;) Thanks for the suggestion. Should The Wife read it as well?
I didn't mention her hobby because, what it was, wasn't important to the problem.
She went to a pop(?) band concert last year. When she came home she visited the band's web site. There she met other fans from all over the world. I bought her a laptop for xmas because she was enjoying herself. That turned into hours on the computer (I didn't complain. I'm not that much of a hypocrite), she started texting them and then phone calls. Now she plans to meet them in Atlanta in a few months. Which is kind of cool because there are girls coming from all over the world. I'm supportive.
What I don't support is my kids telling me they couldn't get mom's attention all day because she was on the computer. Or, that I have to do extra duty at home, not because she was overwhelmed but because she was online all day. Then way down the list was neglecting me. Which, I admit, was important to me. :|
I know a doctor, who's married to a lawyer who doesn't work anymore because she plays World of Warcraft. I've heard all about how hard it's been for him when she makes trips to Amsterdam, or doesn't come out of their computer room for hours at a time.
They have two kids who also pay for the lack of attention since Mommy developed a new hobby.
You don't have to answer this, but have you tried talking to her about it? It may be that she hasn't comprehended the sheer time she's put into this... ?
After I explained my feelings about what I thought our relationship was deteriorating into she made some adjustments.
She knew I was talking about her hobby but since I never blamed her hobby directly for the problem, she got to decide what was causing the problem. I think that made it easier for her.
Also, as she gets to know these online personalities better she is realizing they are just as human as the people in her real life. The newness is wearing off a bit.
*nod*
I hope things keep improving, babe.
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