Falling Back Up
When you fall you instinctively reach for something to hold on to. If you fall hard enough and long enough you'll grasp anything you can get your hands on. If you're lucky, even if you grab something not strong enough to support you for long, it will give you time to get your footing.
When I started blogging I posed the question "Why do we blog? Why do I blog?"
Jen, the first person to comment on my blog, astutely answered, "For me, sometimes making the blog just gives the world a chance to reach out and touch me, and some times I need that to keep going... "
At the time I thought I understood what she meant but I didn't really understand. Now I do. I started blogging because I felt cut off from my family, friends and the world. I was confused, angry, bitter and upset with everyone and everything but mostly with myself.
Five years ago today, I was in an car accident, or rather five years ago today I caused a car accident. As I watched a man, who was in the car I struck, take his last breath on the side of a busy highway I knew my life would never be the same. Being responsible for taking a life, even if by accident, is something I will live with everyday of my life. I have come to terms with it as much as a person can, or at least as much as I can. While it will forever be part of me, it no longer defines me as I once let it. It has found it's place in my life but that is not what this post is about.
To my surprise, guilt and remorse weren't the only words I realized I never knew the meaning of until that day. I waited for help. I didn't ask for it because I didn't feel I had the right. But I knew, like I knew the sun would rise, that my family and friends would rush to help me get through it. They didn't. Worse, they went about their lives like nothing had happened, like I was some sort of monster that could be unaffected by such an event.
The longer I waited for help that never came the angrier and more bitter I became. Couldn't they see I was struggling? Couldn't they see I was sinking? Didn't they care? I realized then that the foundation I had built my life on was crumbling under my feet. When you start believing your life is nothing but smoke and mirrors you start to question everything. What's real? What's not? Reality becomes blurred. When you mix guilt and regret with sorrow, anger and bitterness the result is toxic and even if you sip it slowly... especially if you sip it slowly, it can kill you.
If I would have tried to write this post when I first started blogging I would have listed all the ways my family and friends had wronged me and let me down. I would have inserted all the facts that supported my argument. I would have pointed out that my eyes have been open to the truth about people and then felt guilty and angry because I brought that truth upon myself. I don't need to do that anymore. I never should have wanted to.
When you feel betrayed and stop trusting everyone you find yourself in a deep dark hole that doesn't seem worth the effort to climb out of at times. Over the last five years, in that hole, I have seen a thousand faces and all of them are mine. As I searched for the reason why the people I loved didn't respond the way I expected, for why they didn't love me, I realized a truth about them and all people. They were as scared, unsure, sad and lost as I was. They had never dealt that type of situation. They were scared they would handle it wrong so they pretended it didn't happen. Nothing as sinister as I had imagined in my head.
I realize now the people in my life have dreams I don't know about and fears they dare not tell. They have expectations and let downs. I have failed them many times and never known it. I understand a little better that every single person I encounter has as much going on inside their head as I do.
The most important thing I've realized is that people are flawed. My family is flawed, my friends are flawed, strangers are flawed but most of all I am flawed. What has became obvious is that I'm the most flawed person I know. Not because of the accident but because I know all my own thoughts, feelings and actions. I know most of my thousand faces and I don't like them all. As Daughter once so wisely pointed out, 'every problem I've ever had in my whole life has one thing in common... me'.
I've learned if we want to blame, hate, or be angry at people then the closest ones to us become the easiest targets. BUT, these are the same people who know all of our faults and love us despite them, in some cases because of them. These are the people who are willing to love us for who we are not what we want to project to the world. These people, with all their flaws, are the ones who have earned our love, respect and trust. I'm making the effort to keep that in mind these days.
With my new found knowledge, though I know there is much more to learn, I have forgiven the people in my life (not that they did anything wrong) for not living up to my unrealistic expectations to be perfect. Mostly I've forgiven myself for not being perfect. I have found a true foundation to place my trust, instead of leaving it anywhere it happens to fall. It's been a long journey for me and I'm tired, very tired but hopeful and thankful for the blessings I have been given and the gift of life that lays in front of me. As Time Traveller once told me, "if you believe in God then you must believe he let you live for a reason." I do.
So five years later the world looks a lot different than it did before. And even though a day won't go by that I won't wish I didn't know what I know now, at least this new knowledge will help me move forward, which is more than I thought was ever possible not to long ago.
6 comments:
I'm so proud of you. Words are insufficient to express what I'm feeling. I'm just... so proud. And deeply and sincerely admiring your journey, for I can imagine how difficult it has been.
I can't begin to imagine the pain you have gone through......David, you really are a brave and strong man......keep it up mate! :)
I don't beleive I am capable of words to do this post any justice but I'll try ...
There are a couple of things you said to me which have stayed with me.
1) The world will try to change you, don't let it.
2) When something awful happens in your life, something you can't explain, you begin to question everything and everyone, things you previously took for grated or never gave much thought.
You have said a lot of things to me which helped me make sense of crazy things that were happening to me, even when it didn't make sense the act of questioning myself helped to stop the world from spinning out of control for just long enough to get through the day. So although I can't begin to compare my situation with yours ... I think I know how it feels to silently ask for help and hate everyone including myself.
The most important thing is that you have forgiven them and YOURSELF. That sounds so cliche - but you don't realise the importance of forgiving yourself until you've done it.
You can't change what has happened, neither can I. But you can change your future. You will never forget what happened and neither will I, but we both seem to have realised what is important in life. It's just unfortunate that it takes something terrible to make you realise it xxxx
First, let me say I don't have the words to express my gratitude for the people who have taken their valuable time to read this and comment. I know it's not a comfortable subject. I'm sorry if my comments here may seem a little scattered but I'm so full of gratitude that I'm having trouble expressing myself.
Daughter: Thank you. You may think words are insufficient but you always seem to choose the right ones. You always have. :)
The support I received from the my fellow bloggers, like you, was an important part of that journey. Had I not discovered this outlet I may have never let my thoughts (on a lot of things) out of the shadows. Being able to discuss my thoughts, have them challenged and have them accepted helped give my mind the direction it needed to work though what was happening in my life. I'll always feel blessed that I found blogging when I did. Life is an amazing thing.
Irene: Thank you, I appreciate your support and your understanding.
Though I wouldn't use the word brave to describe me. I think brave people make a choice to take action when they are not required to do so. I had no choice. But I know exactly what your saying and it helps to hear it, a lot. :)
TT: Thank you, apparently you are capable of expressing the right words because I know you understand. From reading your blog lately I know you've understood for a while. Anger and bitterness will only drag and keep someone down. We have both learned a lot.
I was really torn about posting something like this, but I knew I wouldn't feel closure if I didn't. My blog has been a great place to get things out of my head. For some reason, writing thoughts down that keep going through my mind helps me let them go.
The fact that I may have said something that helped someone here makes me feel like I gave a little back of what I got. It's nice to know we can have a positive affect on people's lives. That we can matter. That's a big part of it.
I still find it amazing the people I was able to find while blogging, the right people and the right mix of people. Some knew exactly what direction to push me in, others opened my eyes to new ways of looking at the world, people and life. While still others seem to be going through a similar journey that allowed me to see myself through their situations. (if that makes sense). All gave me thoughts to chew on that occupied my thinking rather than the negative thoughts that had engulfed my mind. Even if people never realized it, just having the contact was important.
I know this post is yours and yours alone, but you've touched on a pain that belongs to me.
I'm crossing my fingers that five years from now I'll be able to write a blog so profound in it's honesty. So profound for it's beauty and simplicity.
YOU have earned my love and respect. The person you've become, whether or not it's from the accident completely, you're so beautiful.
*hug*
Thank you Jen.*hug*
Your kind words mean more than you probably realize. I know one day you will be able to make your post. I'm betting that it will be much sooner than five years.
YOU have earned my love and respect. I'll count that as one of the blessings that has come out of this. I'm honored and humbled.
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