Letting go...
I've come to the conclusion that it is time for me to let go of my romantic notions regarding relationships. It's time to admit that placing others' happiness ahead of your own, hoping that they are doing the same, is more of a one way street than a the path to Utopia. Time to realize that terms like "nice guys finish last" and "a sucker is born every minute" are created from a sad but very real truth.
From this conclusion comes the logical solution that I need to put myself at the top of my own list. Yes folks, it's time to be a selfish S.O.B. While I have been selfish many times in my life, I have always treated it like a sin. There have been times when I was willing to commit this sin but guilt and restitution almost always followed the deed. Now I must learn how to separate guilty emotions for the simple act of looking after my own wellbeing.
Now this doesn't mean that I won't be there to support the people in my life. It just means my support will be limited to the effort I feel I can give without putting myself out. "No" must become a bigger part of my vocabulary. Taking others' feelings into account will only happen after I have considered my own. I will be more forthcoming with how I feel. Not with the expectation that my feelings will change a situation but to assure myself that others know exactly where I stand and where I'm going.
I will continue to do nice things for those in my life but only for the sole, selfish reason that it makes me feel good. I will expect nothing in return other than the joy of giving. In turn I will not owe those who choose to do for me unless I deem their efforts worthy of repayment.
From now on my problems will belong to me. Others' problems will be accepted only if I have the time, energy and the will to get involved. If your problem conflicts with my plans, well, I wish you the best. I will consider others' feelings when making decisions but will give them no more weight, maybe even less, than my own. I will make room for others in my life but I won't do it at the expense of my own space. If I fail, it will be my own fault. If I succeed I will claim the victory. Others may celebrate it with me but not claim part of my accomplishment. I am going to do all I can to be the man I want to be, not the person others expect me to be.
Of course, I exclude my children from the above mentioned solution, but not really. Placing them at the top of my list has always been one of the few selfish acts I never felt guilty about. As for everybody else? Well that's not really my problem anymore is it?
3 comments:
Amen brother.
Though I have been learning that this is much easier said than done.
I support you totally in your quest to live YOUR life, but hope that you won't let go of the things that make you so very YOU: your generous heart, your empathy, your insight, your ability to self-reflect and learn from mistakes.
Self-sacrifice is NEVER a good thing, and I have your back in all efforts to mitigate the reasons you feel it's necessary. But I also hope you won't go overboard into self-denial. Doing things just for the joy of doing them is priceless.
Unconditional love is SO HARD to practice. Mostly because you have to love yourself that way FIRST. Love yourself the way you have tried to love others... love yourself the way I do... and the rest will fall into place.
Great post, and bright blessings in this endeavor.
Thanks for the kind words. They go further than I think you know.
Yes, it is not going to be easy. In the short time since this post I have had to remind myself that, "I am no longer in that business anymore" when others want my support that I know will end up in frustration for me. It has also become my mantra when I worry about things that have a negative affect on me.
There will be some self-denial but hopefully only for the purpose of breaking old habits. I can see now that this solution has caused me to be a more positive person. I actually enjoy myself so much more. I have already seen positive changes from some around me. Though, changing other's behavior "is not the business I'm in anymore".
Thanks for the great advise, as always, you rock. I will certainly keep it in mind as I forge ahead with my solution.
PS - Don't you dare slip off the grid. ;)
You have written exactly how I am feeling .. thank you. Made me feel that I'm not alone in feeling that I try too hard to please other people and not hard enough to please myself and truly be me!
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