Letting go...

I've come to the conclusion that it is time for me to let go of my romantic notions regarding relationships. It's time to admit that placing others' happiness ahead of your own, hoping that they are doing the same, is more of a one way street than a the path to Utopia. Time to realize that terms like "nice guys finish last" and "a sucker is born every minute" are created from a sad but very real truth.

From this conclusion comes the logical solution that I need to put myself at the top of my own list. Yes folks, it's time to be a selfish S.O.B. While I have been selfish many times in my life, I have always treated it like a sin. There have been times when I was willing to commit this sin but guilt and restitution almost always followed the deed. Now I must learn how to separate guilty emotions for the simple act of looking after my own wellbeing.

Now this doesn't mean that I won't be there to support the people in my life. It just means my support will be limited to the effort I feel I can give without putting myself out. "No" must become a bigger part of my vocabulary. Taking others' feelings into account will only happen after I have considered my own. I will be more forthcoming with how I feel. Not with the expectation that my feelings will change a situation but to assure myself that others know exactly where I stand and where I'm going.

I will continue to do nice things for those in my life but only for the sole, selfish reason that it makes me feel good. I will expect nothing in return other than the joy of giving. In turn I will not owe those who choose to do for me unless I deem their efforts worthy of repayment.

From now on my problems will belong to me. Others' problems will be accepted only if I have the time, energy and the will to get involved. If your problem conflicts with my plans, well, I wish you the best. I will consider others' feelings when making decisions but will give them no more weight, maybe even less, than my own. I will make room for others in my life but I won't do it at the expense of my own space. If I fail, it will be my own fault. If I succeed I will claim the victory. Others may celebrate it with me but not claim part of my accomplishment. I am going to do all I can to be the man I want to be, not the person others expect me to be.

Of course, I exclude my children from the above mentioned solution, but not really. Placing them at the top of my list has always been one of the few selfish acts I never felt guilty about. As for everybody else? Well that's not really my problem anymore is it?

Definitely a top 10

One of the top ten best feelings in the world:

Waking up in the middle of the night to realize one of your children has crawled into bed with you, snuggled up next to you and is sound asleep. It lets you know that they feel the safest place in the world, from whatever scares them, is right beside you.

Christmas Bliss

Still trying to make up a few missed workouts, I once again headed out to the gym this morning. As I was turning into the parking lot, still without a solid plan, other than the shower kidney punch idea, to stop Chatty Cathy gym guy I don't know from talking to me, I noticed the parking lot was empty.

Not able to accept my good fortune, I crept into the gym looking in every direction. Even when I didn't see anyone I half way expected someone to pop out from under a weight or something. But it was true. The gods of gravity had blessed me with an empty gym on a Saturday morning.

Like a kid in a candy store, I wasted no time getting to it. I cranked up my mp3 player to drown out the music being blasted over the gym speakers and drifted into a weighted world of bliss. I was mad man too. I added extra sets, extra reps to my sets and more and more weight to my reps. Even though I knew I shouldn't go there, I went there. It was a beautiful thing. I mixed muscles that ought not be mixed. I pushed myself and then pushed a little more. For one solid, pure golden hour I was in a zone. My zone. The world stopped turning, time stood still. If there were problems in the world they weren't mine, at least not then.

As I was taking off my gloves to leave, another guy walked in. He asked me, "if I was done." I told him, "I was" and not to expect too much from his workout because I didn't leave anything in there for him. "It was that good?" he responded. "Like connecting with a good left hook to the kidney. I knocked it out" I said. He smiled. I smiled back and left.

Life is good.