Having Second Thoughts...
After the input on my last post I decided to give the situation with my best friend some more contemplation. I'm anxious to get to the bottom of this problem because I have always thought of myself as a person who can see both sides of any situation.
Many had suggested that my upbringing had led to a conditioning that didn't allow me to accept my friends sexuality even though I was willing to tolerate it. I would have probably disagreed with this assessment but examples were given and a strong case was made. In the end I have no choice but to admit they are right. I can only vow to work harder for true acceptance of people's choices that are different than mine.
But there still was the other side of the problem. Was everything just me not being able to accept my friend being gay or did some of the problem have to do with the person and not his sexuality? Again, the comments from the last post were helpful and eye opening. I now see that not be accepting of ALL his actions is not the same as condemning his sexual choice. I can't say I agree with any of my friends 100% on all things, so why would I expect to with him?
Another good point that was brought up was that my friend is in a different place compared to me regarding relationships, any and all relationship are new to him. When I look at it in that light I can see a lot of what he is doing bothers me because he's being immature about it, not because he's gay. He's acting the way I would have acted in my teens. It's uncomfortable to watch and listen to a 46 year old man go through the awkward part of learning about relationships. I'll have to make a point to keep that in mind when I'm with him.
I think all the comments were great and could help me deal with this situation better but there is still one aspect of this situation I haven't wanted to address. What if it's him? What if to this point he hadn't had to reveal a part of his character that is flawed beyond my ability to accept it? Or what if some darker fears I have, but have refused to acknowledge, are the root of my problem with him?
After much consideration I think it's a combination of the two. I remember a comment he made the weekend the wife went to Disney World and we had spent some time together. We were talking about my cousin's son. My best friend asked how old he was now? I said "about 21" and he said "oh, that's my boyfriend's age." There was a little smirk on his face. Before I could stop myself I yelled, "that's sick!" He quickly shot back "me and my boyfriend aren't sick!" I said "I'm not talking about being gay, I'm talking about comparing my cousin's son, who I watched grow up, with your boyfriend." "That's what's sick!" there was a long moment of silence after that. At that moment I realized how young the guy he is dating really is. It bothers me.
My dark secret is that I am uncomfortable with him around my two boys. I honestly don't think it's because he's gay. I don't think gay people are pedophiles anymore than I do heterosexuals but he does have a preference for young lovers. Now that I think about it he has only dated very young guys that look even younger than their age. I have to say that I have my guard up when he is around my boys. That may be a hang up I have but it is based on some evidence. Since I am responsible for the well being of my children I can not take a chance. That would be irresponsible in my opinion.
So I have come to the conclusions that I'm not the open person I thought I was but can work on that. My best friend needs more leeway when it comes to his relationships because it's all still new to him. And I have to give some serious consideration to whether or not I can be close friends with someone I don't trust around my children. I guess I have some more thinking to do.
6 comments:
I say this with the most sincerity because I believe it 100%; I don't care what his sexual orientation is, how long you've known him, where he lives, how long he's been at his current job, or any other tiny detail, if you're gut is telling you to beware then there IS an issue. It IS a problem. And you shouldn't trust your kids around him. Not ever. Not in the least.
I don't care what anyone says!!
"Since I am responsible for the well being of my children I can not take a chance."
Right there, RT!!
You have it dead on.
As a parent, I agree totally. There is nothing about him that needs to come into play here. If you have a feeling about him, about ANYONE, that makes you unsure about the safety of your children, then there is definitely something wrong with them!
And anyone who wants to argue with you can leave their children unattended with the individual for the weekend.
There is no reason in the world to chance it.
No friendship is worth it.
None.
Ever.
To tell you the truth, I don't know if you CAN be "close" friends with someone you don't trust around your kids.
My initial, shoot-from-the-hip answer? NO. If you can't trust them in your house, with your family then they don't have any place in your life.
I had other opinions on the rest of your post, but nothing matters in the slightest if you have that feeling. Trust it. Use it. It's why we're parents.
I feel like hugging you right now.
I think you're in a hard place. This entire situation HAD no great, easy answer before, but hearing you dark secret changes my entire opinion on it... My demeanor has changed in real life.
I'm going to sleep.
I'll write again when I get up.
{{{{{David}}}}}
'He smirked' this made me feel slightly uncomfortable. But then I thought he's probably doing that because he wants to bring the conversation back around to his new relationship - subconsciously or not. He's excited about it and wants to talk about it - like any new romance/toy.
Also 'me and my boyfriend aren't sick!" ' everythings about him. I hope he's not going to turn into a touchy gay man who'll use the 'gay' card at every opportunity.
Also he might be sensing that you're not comfortable - but he has noone else to talk to/boast to. So he's going to be a bit touchy when you say things like 'thats sick'.
Maybe he needs to make more gay friends who have been through what he has.
I agree with jen - forget all the other apparent issues - if you're not comfortable him being around your kids then you don't need a reason.
Its funny though - the SG's were talking about gays and lesbians ALL last night - I don't know why. I thought one of them might be and they might have been testing the water to see what I think of gay people.
I have to admit when I thought of SG2 being gay and she brushed my arm on the way to the fridge - I froze - the next morning I didn't walk around in my towel as I did last time ...
I couldn't help thinking of your post last night :)
Even after some sleep I'm of the same opinion.
If you have an uncomfortable feeling related to the interaction of this man and your children, then nothing else matters. No friendship is worth chancing the damage that might be done.
It sucks and esp. so since you've been friends for so long, but that's the reality of being a parent (as you know!) You sacrifice everything for your children, even your friends...
You can always maintain a loose friendship with him, but it can't ever be to the point of closeness. It's not worth the risk...
It sucks because in the long run, if he's the type of guy that will play the "he hates me because I'm gay" card, you will suffer an amazing amount of guilt. He'll make you feel guilt. But you shouldn't! Ever.
You have good reasons for making the choices you've made, for the choices you will make.
On the flip side, if you do keep your friendship going, you'll make the adjustments necessary to be more accepting of his dating choices. You'll do that because you try to do the right thing. You ARE a good friend.
The thigns you feel are understandable.
And as I've said before, the situation is very hard. I don't envy the choices ahead of you, but I'll be here to listen when you make 'em.
{{{RT}}}
Jen: After I read your comment I mentioned it to the wife. She wasn't surprised I felt that way because she felt the same way too.
We already had some trust issues from back in his drinking days. Since we go back so far, when we get together we always have some good laughs but yeah, he will never be alone with the kids. luckily there is no reason for him to be so it shouldn't be an issue as far as he's concerned.
As far as being close with him? That's still a hard one. He actually hasn't done anything inappropriate towards my children. Our families lived next door to each other for thirty years when we were growing up so I know his family and him mine. And he would be there for me in a minute if I needed him. *shrug*
I appreciate your concern and believe me I take it as serious as you do. I'd have a hard time living with myself if I had that "gut feeling" then let it happen anyway.
{{{{Jen}}}}
20 SOMETHING: I don't think he meant for me to see the smirk. It was like he was thinking there was another prospect out there for him. It pissed me off.
Your right, he does say "your the only one I can talk about these things with." There is a part of that statement that flatters me but I don't need the details.
He also won't play the gay card, not with me at least. He knows me and knows I never would intentionally hurt peoples feelings. His favorite saying to me? 'Only you can get in a situation like that David, you're too nice' (go figure)
As for the SG's, I think that is exactly what they're doing. My friend use to do it all the time. Of course he'd make it seem like a joke but he was watching to see people's reaction. It has to be tough not to know if your friends might reject you just because of your sexual preference. That was why I gave my friend the speech when he got out of the hospital. So he would know how I felt about it.
Ha! We were commenting at the same time. Thanks for understanding. I don't feel like the homophobe I felt like before but it's just going to be one of those issues I'll have to make adjustments for as needed. Not the kid thing of course, the friend thing.
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