It Bothers Me
I've come to the conclusion that my friend is a homosexual
..and it bothers me that it bothers me.
- Eugene's Journal
This was a line from the movie Biloxi Blues that I happen to catch playing on TV a few weeks ago. I always thought it was a good movie and it leaves little doubt that Matthew Broderick has the ability to deliver lines in a way few others actors have the talent to do. The movie has a lot of funny and moving lines but the above mentioned line stayed with me and I can't seem to let it go. It's no secret to me why it keeps bumping around in my head, the problem, how do I rectify it?
A few years ago my best friend of 30 years announced he was gay. It was no surprise to anyone who knew him, as a matter of fact, I was the one that opened the door for him to come out through.
He has always fought the thought of being gay. It ruined and tormented him for most of his life. I honestly believe his alcohol and prescription drug dependency is a direct result of his struggles. After he spent a month in the hospital for complications due to alcoholism, where he almost died, I had lunch with him.
At lunch I told him that he needed to face his demons and start living HIS life no matter what others thought. I told him I was scared that when his parents died he would be alone since he had never been in a relationship. I told him he needed to find someone, no matter who it was because at the end of the day ME and the rest of his family and friends weren't going to keep him warm at night.
With in the next year he announced he was gay and started dating. He seemed happy and I was happy for him but something had changed. Now when we go to lunch he talks about his boyfriend and their relationship. I find myself wondering who is listening and what they must think. When business associates see us out to lunch do they think I'm up to something? Do they think I'm with him?I know I shouldn't care and I am honestly happy to see him with someone but I don't need the details. I know that's wrong because I listen to my other friends talk about their relationships and never feel that way but I can't shake that uneasy feeling.
To make things worse my best friend, who is in his mid-forties, is seriously dating a 20 year old man who is not out to his family. Legal yes, but barely. I don't think he's been honest about his age with this guy either. Further more when things are going bad in the relationship he falls off the wagon.
All the things I thought would be FIXED by him being honest about his sexuality hasn't been and worse I am seeing a side of him I haven't had a chance to see in the 30 years I've known him and I can't say I like it. Quite frankly I'm bothered by the whole situation and it bothers me that it bothers me.
13 comments:
RT - You know I always try to be honest with you even when it's a bit brutal, and that's what I'm going to do now...
I think it bothers you so much because you FEEL mildly (if not mostly) responsible for this guy finally embracing his sexuality.
It's self-preservation, selfish, and completely normal on your part. Who wants to be responsible for someone else's "bad" choices?
I can only assume that you feel weird listening to him talk about his personal life because you've already been conditioned (your whole life) to be "accepting" of other people's choices, but not truly accepting.
People are always okay with the idea of things when those ideas aren't being practiced next to them or their family.
In your case, you seem to be okay with the idea of his sexuality but not when it's directly applied in front of you, or in public.
Is that a crappy way to react? Sure.
In fact I suppose we're all guilty of this in some way.. Homosexuality, underage parents, recreational drug users, people with tattoos, people who chew with their mouth open, public displays of affection... the list goes on and on.
Homosexuality = I'm fine with the fact that he's gay! I'm glad he's happy!
I wish he wouldn't talk so loud about his male lover... people are starting to stare.
Recreational drug users = I don't care if they smoke marijuana. It's their personal choice.
She's not coming over to my house if she's high. Who knows how she'll act around my children?
People with tattoos = People who have tattoos aren't any different then people who don't. It's just a matter of choice.
Look at him!! Can you imagine what kind of person would get THAT tattooed on his face?!
Public displays of affection = It's nice that people can show their affection for each other.
God, I wish they'd get a room!!
In this case specifically it sounds like you said, "He's probably gay. I wish he'd just embrace his life and try to be happy... Maybe I can help him on that path. I'd like for him to be okay."
But you didn't realize that by taking on that role you were opening yourself up to new romance stories, and your friend telling you about his new young boyfriend.
In all reality, you listen to the exact same stories from your friends, in their hetero relationships. Think about our blogs... :)
Why are you uncomfortable? I'd venture a guess and say: prior conditioning. (I know I've already said that...)
I'm just talking around in circles.
It's cut and dry.
You aren't as accepting as you thought you were.
It's good that you realize that since it keeps you from being a hypocrite AND maybe it's something you can stop since you know it's happening. Or you just have to adjust your relationship with him...
You put forth effort, RT, to learn about different people's perspectives, what they're trying to say, where they're coming from. This is just another lesson in adaptation.
I'm sure there are a lot of things that your blogger friends tell you about that you're okay with, but you wouldn't want to try yourself. "It's fine if they want to do that in THEIR house, but not in mine.."
We've all said that.
I don't if any of that made any sense.. What I should have said was:
I'm glad that it bothers you that it bothers you.
It means you're not a self-centered hypocrite.
You are a good person striving to make the right choices even when their hard. But EVERYONE has lines they can't cross. Events that they aren't comfortable with.
If anyone tells you differently, they're either in denial, or lying.
It's great that you're admitting yours, and not shoving it off like it's all his fault.
:)
Good blog.
I agree with Jen wholeheartedly. I'm glad that it bothers you that it bothers you.
I think this is one of those uncomfortable realizations that forces a person to be truly honest with him or herself about the difference between what they are willing to tolerate and what they are willing to accept. I think, in this particular situation, you've found your tolerance level and it didn't match your expectations of your acceptance level.
And that's okay.
And to agree with Jen again, I think it's amazing that you've done enough of the self-diagnostic to take responsibility for your own tolerance level. It's way more than most people would do.
:-)
"It's way more than most people would do."
Daughter's got it.
WAY MORE then most people...
That's something to be proud of.
:)
Jen: I appreciate your honesty, as always :)
As for the first part Who wants to be responsible for someone else's "bad" choices? I don't think it was a bad choice. The guy is gay, I know that and he fought it long and hard. Hell it almost killed him. I'd have to be a fool not to accept him for who he is. I don't think it's a choice or bad.
I can only assume that you feel weird listening to him talk about his personal life because you've already been conditioned (your whole life) to be "accepting" of other people's choices, but not truly accepting.
Although I like to think not, you are probably dead on with that comment.
Homosexuality = I'm fine with the fact that he's gay! I'm glad he's happy!
I wish he wouldn't talk so loud about his male lover... people are starting to stare. <----yep, that's it. I know it shouldn't matter. I sit and listen and practically sit on my hands to keep myself from stopping him from saying it. In my heart I know, if I'm the friend I say I am, I have to fight through my discomfort and let him be who he is. With the same rules and boundaries I set for ALL my friends. It's not easy as you say, conditioning. Remember I live in the deep south, the bible belt if you will but I'm not going to use that as an excuse.
So you are almost 100% right about what you said and I will reflect on your comment and use it to advance my position with him, so thank you for that. It made perfect sense. :)
But the second part of my problem you didn't mention and it really complicates things. I've known this guy for over 35 years and I've never seen him this way. I'm not talking about being gay, I'm talking about him being in a relationship. A relationship with someone 25 years younger and one in which he lies to someone he supposedly loves. Both things I would frown on from anyone especially my best friend. Of course I don't want to use these issues as an excuse to distance myself from his sexuality. Complicated, yes? :(
Daughter: Thanks, I appreciate your perspective here. It makes sense and more importantly it helps. Like Jen, I think you are right. I guess knowing what's right and accepting what's right are different things indeed but I will work on it.
Thanks for the support guys!!! :-D
I'm gonna post another comment, but I'll have to do it secretly from work CAUSE I'm late!!!
*pOoF*
"But the second part of my problem you didn't mention and it really complicates things. I've known this guy for over 35 years and I've never seen him this way."
My take on this RT, is that there area a lot of things we don't like about people...
You can be best friends with this guy and still not approve of how he handles his relationship. That doesn't make you any less of a friend. The fact that he's doing something (in his relationship) that bothers you is really normal, as we all handle relationships differently.
I don't like the way Friend A lies to her husband about their finances. It isn't the way I'd handle the situation, so it means I don't condone the action. If she starts talking about it in public I'm embarassed to be involved in the conversation... Does it make either us of less of a friend? No. It means we're two different adults, with two completely different lives.
The situation you're in, and the way you're dealing with it is normal. As much as we want to be approving of everything our friends do because they're our friends is just not possible.
It doesn't matter if you've known him for 35 years or a month.
Time means nothing to human understanding. Even when we want it to, and try our damnest to make it happen, we are in the end, nothing more then what we have the capacity to be. Human.
You are doing better then 98% of the world by admitting the fault, realizing it for what it is, and trying to grow past it as much as possible.
As shitty as it is, there isn't an easier answer (or not one that I've found while trying to bridge the gap between preconceived notions and benevolence in my own life.)
On a completely different note, I typed this whole damn thing out on my (new! shiny!) phone and then couldn't get it to send! I had to sneak onto the internet at work anyways.
*wink*
Gotta get back to the babies. Talk to you in the morning!
-Jen
RT, I think it's possible it's the relationship that's bothering you more than the sexuality, at least, if I were in you're shoes that's how I would feel. If a hetero mate was sitting there talking about how he was lying and messing around with some young girl, you'd probably be embarrased and not so into hearing the details about that either - it's distastful no matter what sexuality is involved. I suppose the thing you have to remember with your friend is that he's not had much experience in relationships, and he sounds like he's carrying around a fair bit of damage there (understandably so). He'll have to learn by his mistakes as most of us did when we were teens. It's uncomfortable for you because you're waaaay ahead of him on this front and you know anything you say is useless (he probably wont listen til he makes the mistake anyway) or might make him think you're looking down on him. I genuinely think it's the subject matter more than the sexuality, and the way he's talking about it - again, it's like a teenager 'spilling' the goss, he's probably consumed by it because it's novel and new and taking over his life - and that's just not attractive in anyone and not comfortable for the listener to endure either. I think a part of it is, like Jen and Daughter said, to do with socail conditioning, but ultimatly, you're friend is in a very, very different place to you right now and it's hard on you're relationship with him. I applaud you for diving into the issue rather than shrugging it off, it's a tough one.
hey david,
I was going to say something what Lou said but she worded it much better :)
His sexuality probably does bother you a little - but there are a lot of things about this guy that should bother someone. Its difficult to work out what exactly is bothering you - can't see the wood for the trees.
1. He's dating someone far too young for him.
2. He's abusing drugs
3. He's talking about his relationship loudly in public.
If he was hetero and he was talking about a 20 year old girl most people would be embarassed.
The fact that someone might over hear is embarrasing because someone might think you approve.
Maybe you should take him somewhere quiet next time he wants to spill?
Wow!!!!!!!
Everybody really put some thought into this and gave me a lot to chew on. I can't tell you guys how much I appreciate the advise and insight.
I've been walking around feeling like some kind of homophobe for a long time.
Some of your comments have sparked a few thoughts about this situation that I haven't considered or didn't want to admit to. I'm going to do a second post about this when I collect my thoughts. Thanks again everybody, this really has helped.
That's what we're here for.
:)
No problemo :) - now stop beating yourself up - none of us are perfect. Well I am. Not not many other people are.
I totally understand how you feel. I was in a simular situation a few years ago. You don't want it to bother you but it just does. The only thing you can really do is just hope he wakes up soon and deals with it as best he can. Dating a 20 year old? That is not good.
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