Busy, Busy, Blah
About twice a year I feel like I'm running a marathon. I get extremely busy at work, all the kids get sick and our social calender is filled with endless obligations. This is about the time I decide to take on some project that is way too big for my britches.
It's nothing worse than anybody else is going through but I've noticed an odd pattern towards the end of these events. At first I seem to thrive on the challenge and the excitement that a change in pace brings about. I get a sense that I'm running a head of the pack. Keep up if you can but please, don't slow me down.
You want to buy a truck? Great! You want to buy two? Even better. You want to buy ten that I don't even own and not sure they even exist in the specifications you need? Give me a minute and I'll have them ready for you.
One of the kids are sick? Let him sleep next to me so if he throws up again I can help him to the bathroom. Oh, another one just puked in their bed? The hall? The stairs? Poor guys, give me a second and I'll get it cleaned up.
"Honey you don't look to good either. I think you have a fever. You better lay down too."
"I know I have the 'Daddy and Me Desert' with Abby tomorrow. Don't worry we'll make it."
"Yes, and both birthday parties this weekend"
"No, I'll just get up early and paint it tomorrow"
During the blitz I seem to function well but as soon as I can see the finish line something odd happens. My brain kicks into overdrive about the "whats" and "whys" of it all. I start to examine my place, my direction and question my importance. Not long after apathy starts to overtake me. Going from accomplishing more than I thought I was capable of to not caring if I accomplish another damn thing is rather depressing.
I have written at least ten post for my blog recently I've never published. In some cases I only needed a sentence or two in order to complete them but I just couldn't bring myself to click the 'Publish Post' button. Feeling they were too insignificant, obvious or meaningless. Whatever emotion sparked me to start them had retreated by the time I neared their end.
I've always tried to write my blog for me. If it made me think, laugh, cry or stirred some other emotion I wanted to remember it. If others got it, great but if they didn't, well, that's fine too. It's one of the few things I do for me, by me and is all about me. So why post just to post? I shouldn't, I won't, I can't. So apathy holds me back.
It's the same with other aspects of my life, I just don't have the luxury of choosing to sit them out. I know that moving forward is the only way to leave this apathy in my dust and based on past experience I know I will but for now apathy's pace is equal to mine and I can't find the burst I need to break it's draft.
Even as I write this I wonder if I'll even publish it or leave it to wither and die with all the other unpublished post in my blog draft grave yard.
Blah
6 comments:
I won't be back until Saturday at the very earliest. By then I EXPECT that you will have posted ALL of those unfinished blogs.
:-)
Sounds to me (and of course, I'm no expert) like you could use a "mini-vacation." Any chance you can farm out the kids to your parents for the weekend and just take off with your lovely bride for a weekend of wine, dancing, and debauchery? Or of just catching up on sleep in some hotel far enough away that no one will think to bother you?
I enjoy your perspective on life in general, even if it's not fully fleshed out or perhaps as cogent as you'd like. Don't ever feel like ANYTING you have to say is insignificant.
I agree with Daughter 100%
Your blog is one of the first ones I stop at when I open my Mac, and one of the last before I go to sleep.
We've talked about this before, so you know my take on it. I think you're in a funk. Burnt out from too many responsibilities, and searching for "something". It's characteristic for everyone at some point in the year.
One thing I find that works when I fall into this mode, is to post the blog I'm writing - finished or not, flaws, misspellings, hard to follow even. Sometimes even a couple of lines will give you something to reflect on later. Or to play on in an hour.
Leave everything with a "..." if you have to. As long as you're feeling better in the end, it doesn't matter what's written.
I wish I could help give you a running start to make it through this period.
It's horrible to go through, but now I know (from watching you) that it's hard for everybody!
Don't think I forgot this week's edition "Of the Week"
;)
We'll be here to read it whenever you post it.
{{{{{{{RT}}}}}}}
I go through very similar spells, and you know what? When I am down I just try and remember how great it felt when I was getting everything done. Its not a question of why should I do them then, because I am doing it to make myself feel good.
Daughter: I'll do my best. lol
I think you're right about about needing a break but the truth is it would have to be a break from myself. How do you do that?
Thanks for the kind words as well. It means a lot, truly.
Jen::D
OMG! I could never post any of the half written dribble that lays wasting in the draft column. Nightmare city! lol
oh I finished the 'Of the Week' Sunday, I just never posted it. I will.
Thanks for the rock solid support, it's always appreciated. *nod*
Darren: You're right. It feels great to be KING OF THE WORLD. Even if it's only your own little kingdom, I love accomplishing things. As a matter of fact I always set out to accomplish three planned things everyday. I think I just get a little down when I hit my peak and then I'm like "great, that was it? That's the best it's going to be?" Of course the rewards from my efforts show up later and I get over myself.
Thanks.
The only way to truly take a break from yourself is to do something you NEVER do. That way, you don't have a chance to react in any way but a NEW way.
Farm out the kids and do something you NEVER do. Go fishing all day. Drink beer all day. Immediately squelch any random thought of handling "responsibilities" all day. Refuse to shave. Insist on wearing the oldest, most favorite ratty t-shirt you have from high school. In public. Re-creat yourself, even if it's only for one day.
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to assassinate the upstanding, responsible citizen known as RT, but you must resurrect him in time for Monday morning. This message will self-destruct in five seconds.
LOL, You crack me up.
I honestly don't if I could do it :(
But since you said it was a mission and worked assassinate (a double ass word) into it I feel compelled to complete try.
;)
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