Please Please Me
A few months ago Time Traveller left a comment on a post of mine:
"he has an obsessive need to please people" (referring to me)
I'm sure she meant it in a nice way but I must admit the comment stayed with me. Maybe because it was close to the truth or maybe because it exposes another truth in my life that I'm having a hard time dealing with at the moment.
Yes, I like to please people, to make them happy. I always have. Maybe I do it to a fault, if that's possible but that's not why the comment stuck with me. I've always known that about me. I've always thought it is one of my better attributes. It stuck with me because lately it's become a source of frustration and irritation.
In a perfect world I could continue doing things to make people happy and the reward of seeing them happy would be all I would want. But that's not reality, or at least that's not my reality. No, with all I try to do to make the people in my life happy eventually one question starts creeping into my mind.
Does anyone care if I'm happy?
Selfish? Sure, but damn, you would think that these people, who not only accept my gestures of goodwill but EXPECT them and in some cases demand them, would want to return a little bit of the kindness. Oh, they offer. They say the things people say but words are hollow and without action they have no real meaning do they? See, I believe my actions, more than my words, are some proof that I care. It's not the only way to show it but by doing even the little things it should signal to them that I feel their burden, understand their desires and respect their dreams.
So every once in awhile I wonder where my proof is. Believe me, I look. Not to keep score but to make sure I'm giving credit where credit is due. Maybe that's a problem too but I have my eyes open and I don't see it. Don't get me wrong, the people in my life do things for me. They do the stuff they have to do or do because there is no inconvenience to them. The rest seem to be gestures that aren't based on anything that would remotely make me happy. I know I'm a big bastard for saying this. I know it's suppose to be the thought that counts but does it count if there is no proof that any thought went into it at all? In fact, it frustrates me further that they don't take even a second to consider who I am or what I'm about.
I'm not pinning my happiness on them. I know being happy is my responsibility. Over the past few years I have done a lot to understand that fact and have tried to adjust my life accordingly. I am happier for it too. Still, shouldn't the people who love me, and I do believe they love me, derive some pleasure for providing some part of that happiness? Or am I just an oddball who thinks this way?
So, should I stop trying to please people? Just go about my life and if something I do happens to make someone happy great but if not, oh well. Is that my answer? I don't even think I would know how. I don't want to either. I like helping a guy lift a big box into his car at the hardware store, getting out a buggy for the person behind me at Walmart or just holding a door open for someone. I like making the people I love happy even more. I like being that guy because I like to think I am that guy but lately that guy is not only feeling less than pleased but like a sucker as well.
6 comments:
So much to say - so little space!
I have a similar problem of not being able to say 'no' to anyone. It's just not in me. Given the time I've had to think about my life I realise my parents are the same.
Sometimes it does get you down when you think noone else cares. Nobody else seems to go out of their way to help me (without being asked). But then I know that I don't LIKE accepting help. I don't want to be in debt to anyone.
I realised that sometimes my 'help' is actually a selfish thing, I might subconciously be doing it for gratitude, or to feel good about myself. When I don't get the same thoughtfulness back I don't feel good, so what was the point?
What I realised a long time ago was that if I help someone I have to do it without expecting anything in return. Nothing. If you expect something back you will always be disappointed - because someone elses idea of 'paying you back' will never be the same as yours. Even your own idea of payback might change from one day to the next.
You have your role in your family, at work, etc etc. Your role is the helper, the one that can be relied on and you like it. You wouldn't be that way if you didn't. You want to be the one that gets things done. If everyone was like that, you'd have noone to help.
I was speaking to someone the other day who was moaning about a similar issue, he said he's always the one that does the driving, the first to jump in the car and go and pick up whatever needs picking up from the shops etc. I realised that's me. I do that. My sister is the one that stays home and chats to people, the relatives, entertains. That's her role, she wants to be the entertainer. She may look like the lazy one, but I don't want to stay home and talk to the relatives. So we just accept our roles and secretly thank each other that I don't have to entertain and that she doesn't have to get in the car and pick something up when it's snowing outside.
"But then I know that I don't LIKE accepting help."
That's a good point because I'm the same way and I do like being the helper. The point about a person's role in their family is true as well.
Try as I might not expect anything in return, there are just going to be days when I question why I'm not worth at least some of the effort I'm putting forth for them. Human nature I guess or at least my nature.
Two things:
Not everyone is superhuman.
and
Sometimes you have to ask for what you need.
I'm not sure what you mean by 'Not everyone is superhuman'
I'm not talking about things I need. In fact, I'm talking about things I don't need. I'm talking about the little things people do for you because they want to. If I have to ask for it there's no point in it.
Like I said, I'm aware how this sounds but it's how I feel... once in awhile.
By "Not everyone is superhuman," I mean not everyone is YOU. Most people are so overwhelmed with their own thoughts, feelings, issues, and daily tasks that it's practically impossible to think of others in any terms other than obligation.
And if you can't ask (for example, "It'd be really cool if the next time you are thinking of me, you'd write a little note," or "I wonder what it would be like to have a surprise waiting for me when I get home from work?", and you're not getting it otherwise - something you obviously need because you wouldn't be missing it if you didn't - then you're screwed, right??
I wish I could do something nice for you.
I agree that most people are overwhelmed with their lives. I am as well most of the time but that's why the little gestures we do for others can make such a difference. Quite frankly, doing things for others allows me to take the focus off my issues for awhile. I don't want to be someone's obligation. :( I want to be a special part of their life.
I know you're right about asking, but the truth is, if I ask, and still don't get it then I really am screwed. Because then I know the truth for sure don't I? (with all the screwing going on here you would think somebody would be happy. lol!)
OMG! Do something nice for me? Don't you know that just reading my dribble, listening to my whinging and offering me support is some of the nicest stuff anyone does for me. It's very much appreciated too. *nod*
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