Trust should be a four letter word
Seems like trust is going to be the topic of the day for me this year. Odd that a word that had hardly touched my life in the past has become such an issue for me lately.
Once a week I pick up my eldest son from gymnastics. Since we don't have a lot of one on one time I use our drive home to try to get a feel for what's going on in his life. A couple of weeks ago we talked about some struggles he was having with school. I reminded him that his mother and me were available anytime he didn't understand something, to which he responded by telling me his mother wouldn't help him because she was always on her computer. I wasn't shocked because I knew that situation had changed but I realized a nine year old wouldn't quickly pick up on recently changed behavior. To test his perception I asked if he thought I was always on the computer? He replied, yes. When I asked him how that could be seeing how I work 50 plus hours a week, spent many hours outside every weekend with him and I didn't get on the computer until after he went to bed during the week? He just shrugged his shoulders. Clearly his definition of "always on the computer" means anytime he wants our attention immediately.
Still, I thought I should tell The Wife how her son was thinking of her so she could be sensitive to it. The next week, after I picked him up he was telling me a story. In the middle of a sentence about something his mother had said he stopped talking. I asked what was wrong? He said he better not tell me anything his momma said or did because he might get in trouble again. Again? After some prodding he explained that his mother had gotten quite upset about what he had told me about her on the computer. I did my best to reassure him that he didn't need to keep anything from me and that he had done nothing wrong... but it was obvious that the trust we once had was now broken. He clearly was not interested in telling something I might repeat back to his mother. I let it go with him but I was very upset.
When I confronted his mother, not only did she act justified in what she had done, I sensed a bit of smugness on her face. Almost like she was proud that she was able to thwart my efforts to "keep an eye on her". She apparently told him what she did was her business and he had no right to repeat it to me or anyone else. It was obvious she had missed the point of why I had relayed what he had originally said. Even though I had made a point to tell her I didn't believe his perception of her computer time was correct. Worse, she didn't seem to get the damage she had created by letting our son know, not only could I not be trusted, but there would be hell to pay if he voiced his opinion about anything mom related. In other words, not only was it ok to keep secrets from his dad but he had better.
It took a lot of talking... and yelling, but I finally convinced The Wife that no part of me telling her what our son had said had anything to do with her at home activities. I just thought that she would want to know that her son was thinking about her in this way. I know I would want her to tell me, ESPECIALLY IF IT WASN'T TRUE.
So what to do now? I don't know, again. I turned down The Wife's offer for her to talk to him about it because he would realize, once again, something he had said to me made it back to his mom and he was getting a lecture about it. Seriously, do we need to confuse the kid any further? I guess in the end I'll have to earn his trust back over time, which sucks because I don't feel like I did anything to lose it... but I have.
11 comments:
You didn't do ANYTHING to lose his trust. And from my point of view, your wife should be fixing the issue, that SHE created in the first place.
It's important that your kids know they can trust and rely on their folks.
Sounds like a complicated situation. Good luck!
Thanks. I should have figured she would be sensitive about her computer time with me but I honestly thought I was sharing information that would help their relationship and more importantly help him. I guess it could have come off as an "I caught you moment" but I tried to make it clear it wasn't about that.
She offered to fix it but I'm not sure how she does it without letting him know I repeated what he said again. sheesh!
I agree, you can't have her fix it AND keep him building up trst (now it's a four-letter word!)
I'm still wondering why she accused you of trying to keep tabs on her. You told her how you felt about her missing out on family time because of her preoccupation with the computer.
And I thought she said you had good points and she would improve the situation.
Has she?
Yes, she seems to have done away with a lot of the things that was tempting her to be on the computer so much. When he told me I really thought he was talking about the way it use to be not the way it is now. Still, I thought she should know he thinks she won't get off the computer to help him. Obviously she took it the wrong way. I hit an old nerve I suppose.
Yeah. I guess that's how it works in marriages. You're not fighting today's fight, but a lifetime of other fights.
Does she understand where you were coming from now?
"You're not fighting today's fight, but a lifetime of other fights."
Never thought of it like that but you are exactly right! Good point.
I think she gets it. Who knows though, I thought she got it when I told her the first time. *sigh*
*nod*
I'll keep my fingers crossed for you, babe!
I feel really uneasy about this post and I can't put my finger on why, exactly. It's an uncomfortable topic, to be sure. But it's MORE than that, too. Isn't it?
There's something underneath this for you. What is it? You don't have to tell me, I'm just wondering if you're aware of it.
I'm sorry these struggles continue. It seems like your house is kind of an awkward place to be right now and for that I feel a deep sorrow.
yeah, I guess there is an underlying problem... When I saw the smug look on her face, when she thought she had outplayed me, I saw red. I was so pissed-off that we are STILL playing this "gotcha" game that I have been refusing to play from the beginning but somehow am being accused of playing anyway.
Could I look through her computer and her phone to see what she does and how much time she sends doing it? Absolutely, but I refuse to have a relationship like that.
Would I use my children to SPY on their mother? No fucking way! I wouldn't put my children in any position like that but apparently she thinks I would, which does piss me off.
I guess it's so many little things. Like being told my 6 year old needs to be put on a "special" list because he can't pass his spelling test. I said, "give me a few weeks to work with him before we let them label him." That was three weeks ago. Since then he's had three test. His scores 90, 90 and a 100. So I have to ask wtf?
Ok, yeah there are still a few issues floating around but I've worked too hard to be a good parent to have these issues affect my relationship with my son. In my opinion it's not fair, especially when my intentions were to help her strengthen her relationship with him.
Ok, rant over with, sorry. *sigh*
Yes, it does seem like you're playing "Parenting Survivor" right now (outwit, outplay, outlast). And that really doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me, given that I've been reading your blog for a loooong time now and parenting always seemed like something the two of you placed significant priority toward.
Something changed. When? How? And what, exactly?
Maybe it's time to consult a professional?
I have talked about getting some counseling but it doesn't seem necessary, I would do it though. There isn't any dispute to where the problem started and what's needed to fix it. And to be honest, she is working extremely hard to be the person she wants to be. (I phrase it that way because I've been careful not to demand she be the person I want her to be) In turn I've examined and asked for her input about my short comings in our relationship and I am making an effort to do the the same. The real problem seems to be adjusting to this new thing between us that has never been there before. I guess being human, both of us will let guilt, suspicion, disappointment and other emotions guide our actions... even when it is irrational to do so.
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