Reality, a nice place to visit

As I was sitting in my chair,

I knew the bottom wasn't there,

Nor legs nor back, but I just sat,

Ignoring little things like that.

~Hughes Mearns

She told me she is the happiest she has ever been, that letting God guide her life allowed her to be the person she always wanted to be. "I no longer acted with my ego but now with my heart," she confessed. She had proof too, in the form of a letter announcing her appointment to the board of directors of a children's shelter she has been working with through her company. The letter was now framed and proudly displayed on her office wall for all to see. Furthermore, the pride and gleam in her eye was unmistakable as she told me her company's CEO emailed all 400 hundred employees to let them know she was the very model of philanthropy her company promoted. I was happy for her.

She told me that she had never felt closer to her children as I sat in her beautiful home that showed no evidence that children lived there at all. Not an easy feat with a 7 and 9 year old.

She told me that her new path allowed her to let go of judgments of others. Then she proceeded to tell me if I would just open my mind and heart to God I could get to the place where she was at. I wondered where she thought I was.

My sister recently asked me to come to her town, alone, so that we could talk. She wanted to discuss her religious and spiritual awakening. She wanted me to buy into what she said she wasn't selling very badly. But I couldn't, I can't. See, I'm more into reality and perception these days. I told her that too, not in a condescending way but to let her know I wasn't ready to travel her path. I explained my reality has been too real for me these past years to be able to look beyond it.

She said she had forgiven us all. For what I wasn't sure, so I asked. The list was long and eye opening. Mom, for her negative attitude towards her. Our brother's lack of interest in the birth of her children. The men of the house for not clearing our plates when she had to clean the kitchen. Dad for the few times he spanked her and us for laughing when he did. My parents for letting her friends pick on her. Dad for all the nightmares she had remembering the spankings my brother and me often received. Her ex husband for not being man enough to be her husband. The list went on and on...

Of course I realize that no matter how trivial these events seem to me they were traumatic and real to my sister. I didn't want to disregard her feelings but at the same time I was having a hard time relating to her pain knowing she was raised as close to a princess as I had ever known anyone to be. I was having an even harder time understanding why these events that happened, mostly, over 25 years ago were still issues to her today. So much of an issue that she said she almost cut us all out of her life a few years ago.

During the long drive home and since, I've been bothered by our conversations. My brain has been struggling with her version of reality versus mine. She says she's happy. She says she has only positive thoughts. She says she doesn't judge people anymore. I can clearly see she believes all of this, and therefore if she thinks she's happy then she IS happy, right? So does it matter that the things she professes to feel are the opposite of what she's projecting? Her happiness appears as loneliness, her positive thinking comes off as controlling, her none judgement seems condescending... But that's my reality, in her's she's perfectly happy. I guess that's where I need to let her be... and to be honest, it is a nicer place to visit than it use to be.

Call me petty

I can be petty. There I said it. It's true. I guess I'm a person that believes the devil is in the details and the details can be... well, pretty petty sometimes.

Recently the wife and I have been having issues over some online friends she maintains and the things they are into. Mostly the problem has been about typical stuff, spending too much time online with them, too much time on the phone with them, too much twittering with them, too much... really just too much with them. This excess has led to other problems which led us to have a big heart to heart about all of it.

After our talk she agreed she was rather obsessed with it all and that she knew it was hurting our marriage and in some areas the children too. I never asked her to give up any of it as I thought the time she spent participating in that stuff should be her idea. Forcing someone to to make a choice is not really making a choice at all is it?

So, over the last few months she has cut way back on her computer time. For the most part things have been better because we've both been trying to put our family and each other first. BUT, there has been the occasional moments when I have walked in a room to see her huddled in a corner with her phone, only to put it away when she realizes I'm in the room. Or, turning her computer off when I come in from outside unexpectedly. I haven't said anything other than telling her it wasn't necessary to do that because acting suspicious only tends to make others be suspicious. If she wants to do it, she needs to just do it.

Then over Christmas holidays she announced she was going to the phone store to buy a Blackberry. A phone she has wanted for a long time because it will allow her to be in non-stop communication with her online friends. A phone she knows I would have an issue with. This was confirmed when she asked me to set it up for her, "even though I know you may have a problem with the reason I got this phone can you help me set it up?" I did, without saying a negative word.

The days that followed I noticed her spending more time shut-up in our bedroom away from the family. Upon my entry I noticed she very slyly slipped the phone into a drawer. Why.? I have no idea because I have said nothing about the phone. Of course my lack of interest in it probably says it all.

So here's the petty part, I'm not going to take calls from her new cell phone, for now anyway. Childish? Perhaps... ok sure it is, but clearly the phone was not purchased to communicate with me, in fact, it was purchased knowing on some level it would hurt me.

I know writing this makes me sound like some kind of control freak but that clearly isn't the case. I've demanded she give up nothing. As I've said, I know it has to be her decision. I have not tried to guilt her or manipulate her into doing things my way. I've simply stated how I feel and let her decide how she wants to react, no retaliation, until now I suppose. She had a great phone before, she has her own laptop that I have told her I won't use or even touch. The phone she had did almost everything the Blackberry will do but the Blackberry is what all her internet friends use.

So call me petty if you want to, but don't call me at all if you are using her Blackberry, because for now, I'm not going to answer. thhhhpppppp!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TT!!!

I may be a bit late but I mean it just as much. I hope you had a wonderful birthday and a terrific year to come.

Happy Birthday TT!

If you get half of what you deserve you'll have way more than most ;)

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY

Make sure to take time to count your blessings

... and may they be to numerous to count.

Thanks Jen!

The Wife made some delicious banana nut bread this past weekend. Recipe a la Jen, aka "The Baker". Thanks Jen! Don't be surprised if we ask for a few more recipes in the future. Yum!

Romance 101... Who knew?

I copied these from a website peddling romance ideas. Who knew I was so damn romantic?? Somehow I doubt many women would see most of these as a romantic gesture. Maybe the key is to not do anything most of the time so when you do ANYTHING it is seen as some type of gesture?

These romantic gestures are quick and easy ways to show your love. Often times the most romantic gestures are the small acts we choose to do every day. This extensive list of 101 romantic gestures will help you be more creative in how you show your love.

1. Massage her feet

2. Clean her car

3. Stick a post-it love note in the kitchen

4. Snuggle

5. Make a romantic mix CD

6. Dance under the stars (with your mix CD playing from the car)

7. Hide love notes in her house and car (make sure she'll find them fairly soon)

8. Have an undisturbed conversation (turn off phones, tv, computer etc.)

9. Light every candle you have to set a seductive, intimate mood

10. Pick up a pie or cake for dessert

11. Do the laundry

12. Write a message on the mirror with a bar of soap

13. Make a calender with photos of both of you together

14. Unwind with a glass of wine

15. Pick her up and carry her to the bed or couch

16. Complete her Honey-Do list

17. Download a new ring to her cell phone for your calls

18. Share things about your day (work, family, clients, events)

19. Restock the cabinets with her favorite food or drink (don't forget to leave a note with it)

20. Hold hands

21. Change her oil

22. Give a sincere compliment

23. Go on a walk together

24. Run your fingers through her hair and give her a head rub

25. Go for a joy ride on a scenic road

26. Fold cloths during a game or on your tv show commercials

27. Change her computer screen saver to a love message

28. Cook a meal together

29. Do a slow dance after dinner

30. Kiss when you leave

31. Help her with a project

32. Thank her for a meal she cooked

33. Go grocery shopping together

34. Have a sunrise coffee date (even if it's just from your deck or window)

35. Hold each other during a big storm

36. Put the toilet seat down (let her know you did it for her)

37. Slip a love note in her purse or work tote

38. Spend 30 mins power cleaning together and 30 mins passionately lovin

39. Waltz around the room during a commercial break

40. Kiss when you arrive

41. Make dinner for her

42. Say "I love you because ______"

43. Find out one of her fantasies and make it happen

44. Pay her a compliment in front of people you know

45. Make a "10 favorite memories together" list

46. Do yard work (shovel snow, rake leaves, mow, prune, plant)

47. Send a love ransom note with cut out letters

48. Spend time learning/doing her hobby with her

49. Stop at a scenic outlook enjoy the view and each other

50. Get a sensual game to play together

51. Take the garbage out

52. Put a love note with her lunch

53. Go on a bike ride or roller blade together

54. Bring her breakfast or coffee in bed

55. Open doors for her

56. Fix something

57. Leave some Hershey kisses on the pillow

58. Play if/then. If you ______, then I'll ______

59. Tell her you are proud of her

60. Dance to a classic 80's song

61. Carry her bags/boxes/books

62. Send a thinking of you email

63. Bake a cake and decorate it with a creative message

64. Act out her favorite love scene from a movie

65. Make a "10 things I love about you" list

66. Help with or do the dishes

67. Write a love note on her calender or in her planner

68. Collect a wild flower bouquet for her

69. Tell her you like her style

70. Kiss each of her finger tips

71. Send a romantic greeting

72. Give a midday call

73. Serenade her with a cheesy love song (in the privacy of your home)

74. Have a quickie somewhere new

75. Whisper sweet nothings in her ear

76. Take some scandalous photos together or of each other

77. Write a love message on the beach or in fresh snow

78. Set your alarm 15 minutes earlier and snuggle in the morning

79. Take a minute to enjoy the sunset together

80. Take a romantic bath

81. Pull out her chair before sitting

82. Give her a big, long hug

83. Make a favorite things about you list

84. Plant a tree or flowers together

85. Let her know that she is the perfect match for you

86. Vacuum, dust or clean the toilet

87. Leave a goofy love message on her phone

88. Experiment with chocolate body paints

89. Make an "I love the ways you love me" list

90. Rub each other down in the shower

91. Be her slave for a day

92. Make a cheesy love poem

93. Make a meal together

94. Pack something special with her lunch (kisses, a note, her favorite snack)

95. Have a breakfast date discuss your plans for the day

96. Take care of car maintenance (oil, tire rotation, check fluids)

97. Express appreciation for specific things she does for you

98. Massage her neck and shoulders

99. Make her a gift

100. Play footsie

101. Offer to help with anything

You may be really good at doing some of these romantic gestures. Use this list to pick up a few more romantic gestures and apply them to your relationship. Put your own twist on some of the ideas for a personal and unique romantic gesture!

Romancing Alone

"The engines roared. The boat broke the grip the tide and the dock had conspired to keep them bound to land, to their mundane life. They headed across the river that danced with the last glimmering rays of light the sun could manage to shoot over the horizon. They could see the silhouette of the bridge and the old city coming into view. Sitting at the back of the boat, he placed his arm around her shoulder and gently stroked the curls in her long brown hair. It had been awhile since he had felt this close and this at peace with her. Slowly she turned to him. He turned his head slightly to meet the gaze of her big blue eyes. He noticed that they hadn't changed in over twenty years of loving her. She carefully moved her lips near his ears and yelled, "DAMN! THE ENGINES SURE ARE LOUD RIGHT HERE! WE SHOULD HAVE SAT SOMEWHERE ELSE!"

Had my wife read this paragraph in one her romance novels I'm quite sure she would have found it somewhat romantic, save the last line of course. Living it however, she failed to appreciate any romantic qualities the situation seem to present at all.

This past weekend I took The Wife downtown for some much needed "us" time. I booked us a room at a nice hotel overlooking the river. I tried to be as romantic as I know how but seemed to miss the mark more times than not. We had a great time, a fabulous time to tell the truth. God knows we needed it. Still, the weekend left me wondering if the romance so many women seem to be seeking isn't right under their noses more times than they recognize? Or is it some unobtainable action that can only reach it's true potential in the bleached white pages of a romance novel? And if that is the case, do we men really stand a chance of turning fiction into reality? I wonder...

Halloween 2009

I've been posting pictures of the kids on Halloween since I started this blog. So...

This was sort of funny. Not something you see everyday.

Looking Through a Fool's Eyes

Jen's comment on my last post, made me realize I haven't posted in awhile. The truth is I'm painfully aware that I haven't posted anything in some time. In fact, I've been thinking about this blog a lot recently. A few things have happened in my life that I would love to blog about but I'm not sure how to do that and be fair to the people involved.

Over the past few months I have had to deal with situations and emotions that until this point in my life have been rather foreign to me. Maybe that's why they had such an effect on me. I assumed I was immune to certain aspects of life... unfortunately, I now realize I am not.

After all is said and done the main question I'm left with is this - why do we let things go on when we know they aren't right? And if we simply played them out to their logical conclusion we would know that acting like we don't know, even when we do, won't save us from the inevitable outcome. Is it laziness? Is it denial? Is it hoping something will come along and magically change the situation? Or is it, as I fear it is, simple desperation.

Being made to feel like a fool is a horrible feeling. But realizing you played the fool is worse. I knew... I'm the king of knowing. I always, always, always try to see situations from the other's point of view. Yet, I could not force myself to conclude what was so damn obvious. We ALL have a part of us we don't show to everyone. Sometimes that part of us never sees the light of day but on occasion, we find a place, a person or situation where we feel this part fits. We let it out... and it can feel sooo good.

So look around and think about the people you know. What is their secret part? Are they letting it out? If so, what ramifications will this part, the part you don't know but you do know exist, have on your life? The evidence is all around us, an odd behavior, a distant feeling or slight grin where none should be. We know it's something, then tell ourselves it is nothing because if we do that, it is nothing... until one day that nothing has grown so big and so obvious ignoring it becomes more painful than living with it. What then? Or I should say, what now?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JEN!!!!

I hope you have a wonderful day that's the beginning of a FANTASTIC year!

(btw, I didn't carve the pumpkin pictured above but I did have to click a few times to get it so it's kind of like I did.)