Yep

All human beings have three lives: public, private and secret

~ Gabriel Garcia Marquez ~

Letting go...

I've come to the conclusion that it is time for me to let go of my romantic notions regarding relationships. It's time to admit that placing others' happiness ahead of your own, hoping that they are doing the same, is more of a one way street than a the path to Utopia. Time to realize that terms like "nice guys finish last" and "a sucker is born every minute" are created from a sad but very real truth.

From this conclusion comes the logical solution that I need to put myself at the top of my own list. Yes folks, it's time to be a selfish S.O.B. While I have been selfish many times in my life, I have always treated it like a sin. There have been times when I was willing to commit this sin but guilt and restitution almost always followed the deed. Now I must learn how to separate guilty emotions for the simple act of looking after my own wellbeing.

Now this doesn't mean that I won't be there to support the people in my life. It just means my support will be limited to the effort I feel I can give without putting myself out. "No" must become a bigger part of my vocabulary. Taking others' feelings into account will only happen after I have considered my own. I will be more forthcoming with how I feel. Not with the expectation that my feelings will change a situation but to assure myself that others know exactly where I stand and where I'm going.

I will continue to do nice things for those in my life but only for the sole, selfish reason that it makes me feel good. I will expect nothing in return other than the joy of giving. In turn I will not owe those who choose to do for me unless I deem their efforts worthy of repayment.

From now on my problems will belong to me. Others' problems will be accepted only if I have the time, energy and the will to get involved. If your problem conflicts with my plans, well, I wish you the best. I will consider others' feelings when making decisions but will give them no more weight, maybe even less, than my own. I will make room for others in my life but I won't do it at the expense of my own space. If I fail, it will be my own fault. If I succeed I will claim the victory. Others may celebrate it with me but not claim part of my accomplishment. I am going to do all I can to be the man I want to be, not the person others expect me to be.

Of course, I exclude my children from the above mentioned solution, but not really. Placing them at the top of my list has always been one of the few selfish acts I never felt guilty about. As for everybody else? Well that's not really my problem anymore is it?

Tools to Happiness

It has been said on this blog many times that you are responsible for your own happiness. An idea I have tried to embrace but have always felt wasn't practical in real life. Yes, we get to pick our paths. Yes, we have free will to change that path when it ceases to bear fruit on our happiness tree. The problem I'm having with taking charge of my own happiness are silly words that get in the way, like commitment, responsibility and reality.

If I lived in a perpetual state of selfishness I could easily move from moment to moment depending on what fancy hit me to make me smile. Even then, the deep happiness that comes from accomplishment, which is often achieved from sacrifice and determination, may become more elusive.

So I've come to the conclusion that to have a relationship, with anyone at almost any level, is to place your happiness in differing degrees in the hands of others. This of course brings me to another word that has given me such a fit when it comes to happiness, expectations. While I agree counting on others to live up to our expectations is a foolish plan for happiness, I also want to point out it is human nature to do so. Like someone once sang, "everyone plays the fool, sometimes." I mean laying our happiness on how our kids turn out is something that can't be avoided unless your heart is made of stone or you just never have them. And for them, and others in our life, we may do a life time of work and make sacrifices that not only make us unhappy but crush a little part of who we are. Not because we want to be rich but because we think providing the right path for the people in our lives, as well as ourself, will lead to heaping bowl of happiness with mash mellow surprises and rainbow slides. We really do believe this. We must, right?

Of course when Reality bumps up to the poker table of life we quickly realize we are not holding all the cards. We make a deal with the people in our life. They agree to this deal in one way or another. Then we all set out to, in the words of Captain Jean-Luc Picard, "make it so." Then when they fail to "make it so" or they decide "making it so" isn't as important to them as they first let on, or worse, they change to a plan that wasn't the plan at all, how can we help but be unhappy? True, it was our expectation that they would work just as hard at the plan as we did but that's hardly avoidable seeing how an agreement was struck, verbal or not.

How do we own our own happiness in a world where the rules change daily and one person's commitment is another's thought of the day, or hour? How do we plow a good row for our future seeds when others so carelessly shove dirt into the path we just gave blood, sweat and tears to dig? How can we still be in charge of our happiness when we feel obligated to the commitments, made in part by others, who now feel no obligation at all? Sure, I can carry the load, most of the time, but I won't be happy about it and I am damn sure going to resent those who packed on the extra weight and are waiting at the finish line for me to deliver it.

Our choices seem to be to never count on anybody, never expect people to do what they agree to and never do anything for anybody and expect anything in return. How sad. Obviously not realistic either.

So what's the answer, please? Is it learning when to play the fool and when to stand up for yourself? That line is so fine I haven't found a pair of glasses that allows me to see it. Can I really find happiness knowing I'm playing the fool? Well, maybe when I let my child beat me at a game to see the excitement on his face but not on the the big things like commitment, responsibility and trust. How do I learn to let those go when the ramifications of doing so slap me in the face at every turn. If ignorance is bliss then foolishness, knowing what's right and picking something else, has to be destruction. Can we really be happy watching parts of our world be destroyed by the very people we live for? Hardly.

The answer must lay in developing a tool to be able to let things go, even if these things go against what you believe are right, fair or just. This tool must be forged from other tools like, forgiveness, compassion, understanding and priorities. This is a tool I have yet to acquire or construct in my life but desperately need to obtain, apparently, to be happy.

If it were me....

If I were president of Toyota....

I would hold a press conference about the recent recalls Toyota is experiencing. I would remind the public that recalls are a reality that every car manufacturer faces. That anyone who has owned a new car has more than likely received a notice in the mail to return the car to the dealer to have recall services performed. I would mention that the amount of attention that Toyota's recent recalls have received seems to be a bit excessive. Then, I would wonder out loud if all this attention from the government had anything to do with the government OWNING a large part of General Motors, one of Toyota's largest competitors. And yes, I would scream, "FOUL!" to anyone willing to listen.

Now, there may be no connection between the two, at all, but I would certainly plant the seed that there might be. This is why government should stay out of private business. There is a HUGE conflict of interest, that at the very least muddies the water, when government owns something it is suppose to be regulating, especially when the regulation centers on our safety. Duh! and double "Duh!!" to Toyota for not bringing this up.

Reality, a nice place to visit

As I was sitting in my chair,

I knew the bottom wasn't there,

Nor legs nor back, but I just sat,

Ignoring little things like that.

~Hughes Mearns

She told me she is the happiest she has ever been, that letting God guide her life allowed her to be the person she always wanted to be. "I no longer acted with my ego but now with my heart," she confessed. She had proof too, in the form of a letter announcing her appointment to the board of directors of a children's shelter she has been working with through her company. The letter was now framed and proudly displayed on her office wall for all to see. Furthermore, the pride and gleam in her eye was unmistakable as she told me her company's CEO emailed all 400 hundred employees to let them know she was the very model of philanthropy her company promoted. I was happy for her.

She told me that she had never felt closer to her children as I sat in her beautiful home that showed no evidence that children lived there at all. Not an easy feat with a 7 and 9 year old.

She told me that her new path allowed her to let go of judgments of others. Then she proceeded to tell me if I would just open my mind and heart to God I could get to the place where she was at. I wondered where she thought I was.

My sister recently asked me to come to her town, alone, so that we could talk. She wanted to discuss her religious and spiritual awakening. She wanted me to buy into what she said she wasn't selling very badly. But I couldn't, I can't. See, I'm more into reality and perception these days. I told her that too, not in a condescending way but to let her know I wasn't ready to travel her path. I explained my reality has been too real for me these past years to be able to look beyond it.

She said she had forgiven us all. For what I wasn't sure, so I asked. The list was long and eye opening. Mom, for her negative attitude towards her. Our brother's lack of interest in the birth of her children. The men of the house for not clearing our plates when she had to clean the kitchen. Dad for the few times he spanked her and us for laughing when he did. My parents for letting her friends pick on her. Dad for all the nightmares she had remembering the spankings my brother and me often received. Her ex husband for not being man enough to be her husband. The list went on and on...

Of course I realize that no matter how trivial these events seem to me they were traumatic and real to my sister. I didn't want to disregard her feelings but at the same time I was having a hard time relating to her pain knowing she was raised as close to a princess as I had ever known anyone to be. I was having an even harder time understanding why these events that happened, mostly, over 25 years ago were still issues to her today. So much of an issue that she said she almost cut us all out of her life a few years ago.

During the long drive home and since, I've been bothered by our conversations. My brain has been struggling with her version of reality versus mine. She says she's happy. She says she has only positive thoughts. She says she doesn't judge people anymore. I can clearly see she believes all of this, and therefore if she thinks she's happy then she IS happy, right? So does it matter that the things she professes to feel are the opposite of what she's projecting? Her happiness appears as loneliness, her positive thinking comes off as controlling, her none judgement seems condescending... But that's my reality, in her's she's perfectly happy. I guess that's where I need to let her be... and to be honest, it is a nicer place to visit than it use to be.

Romancing Alone

"The engines roared. The boat broke the grip the tide and the dock had conspired to keep them bound to land, to their mundane life. They headed across the river that danced with the last glimmering rays of light the sun could manage to shoot over the horizon. They could see the silhouette of the bridge and the old city coming into view. Sitting at the back of the boat, he placed his arm around her shoulder and gently stroked the curls in her long brown hair. It had been awhile since he had felt this close and this at peace with her. Slowly she turned to him. He turned his head slightly to meet the gaze of her big blue eyes. He noticed that they hadn't changed in over twenty years of loving her. She carefully moved her lips near his ears and yelled, "DAMN! THE ENGINES SURE ARE LOUD RIGHT HERE! WE SHOULD HAVE SAT SOMEWHERE ELSE!"

Had my wife read this paragraph in one her romance novels I'm quite sure she would have found it somewhat romantic, save the last line of course. Living it however, she failed to appreciate any romantic qualities the situation seem to present at all.

This past weekend I took The Wife downtown for some much needed "us" time. I booked us a room at a nice hotel overlooking the river. I tried to be as romantic as I know how but seemed to miss the mark more times than not. We had a great time, a fabulous time to tell the truth. God knows we needed it. Still, the weekend left me wondering if the romance so many women seem to be seeking isn't right under their noses more times than they recognize? Or is it some unobtainable action that can only reach it's true potential in the bleached white pages of a romance novel? And if that is the case, do we men really stand a chance of turning fiction into reality? I wonder...

The 200 Million Dollar Question

I was talking to The Wife the other day about the young man in Texas who had won 200 million dollars in the lottery. I made the comment, as I usually do, that it will probably ruin his life. The Wife was quick to shoot back, "I wouldn't mind the chance to see if I could handle it."

Then without much thought I asked, "If you knew it would mean certain divorce, would you still want to win 200 million dollars?"

There was a longer pause than there should have been. Then she asked if it would have to mean a divorce. To which I replied, "that's the question I'm asking." Then there was an even longer, awkward pause, while she twisted her mouth as she thought. "No, I suppose not." Then she exited the room.

Even though the conversation was all in jest, it got me thinking. How many people would take the 200 million knowing it would end their marriage? If they are willing to do that, what does that say about their marriage? Do we believe money can solve more of our problems than the ones who love us?

How much is a marriage worth?

Hatebook

Facebook has not been an easy medium for me to navigate. When my wife jumped on facebook, just like everybody else, she was friended by many people from her past. Being reunited with one particular girl, her best friend in high school, seem to excite her the most. The girl had gotten married and moved away almost twenty years ago, no contact since then.

Now I was around them in high school. While I always found this girl to be a fun person to party with I never thought she was much as far as friend material goes. She married a jerk and dropped The Wife, and me too I guess, as friends because we didn't party hard enough.

When they reconnected on facebook The Wife learned her friend was living 4 hours away from us and was recently divorced. It wasn't long before her friend announced she was coming to town to visit family and would like to see The Wife and family. The Wife was ecstatic. The weekend came and went with no word from the friend. The Wife was upset but admitted they had no concrete plans. A few months later her friend again announced a visit and again ask to meet up with The Wife. This time they made definite plans. Again, the weekend came and went with no word from her friend. Then the following Monday this girl plasters her facebook about all the fun she had with her friends while she was in town. The Wife was very upset.

The Wife asked my opinion on how to handle the situation with her friend on facebook. I suggested, strongly, that she de-friend this girl. I reminded her that she has been getting along fine for the last twenty years without her so why put up with this shit now? (yes, I did cuss a bit) So the with a heavy heart The Wife de-friended her. Now I feel like I pressured her into doing it. She clearly wanted to reconnect with this girl.

So now I'm wondering, should we let the ones we love suffer if we can clearly see their desires are not obtainable, or worse, causing them pain? Should I have let them work it out no matter how rude this girl was being to my wife? Did I have the right to almost insist that dropping this girl was the only real option? Had she continued taking her crap, I'll admit, I would have lost some respect for The Wife but I never said that, not out loud. Although I'm sure it came through loud and clear with my attitude.

Did I stick my face where it it didn't belong?

Trust, The Truth

One of the most eye opening realizations I have discovered while blogging came from fellow blogger Daughter. She made the simple but powerful assertion that there is never a reason to lie. Further, she contends that all lies only go to serve the purpose of the person telling them. Powerful stuff that had my mind churning. Still does.

Being a person that has always prided myself as being very honest, even though I did tell a few white lies now and then, I disagreed with her. I just couldn't accept that there was no room in life to spare people's feelings if the brutal truth was not required or needed. Daughter pointed out that not believing someone can handle the truth was a sign of disrespect. Again, at the time, I disagreed with her.

What made it worse was that I got the feeling, because I admitted I lied and saw nothing wrong with it under "the right circumstances", she would no longer be able to believe anything I said. If I remember correctly she even made a comment stating that fact. I've been called a lot of things in my life but never dishonest, not really. It stung, more than a little.

After much thought, I had to admit Daughter was and is right. Despite my effort to find a lie that could be justified, I couldn't. Looking back now I find it funny, and odd, that I tried and wanted to defend the practice of lying. Still, in all my contemplation about the truth she offered me about... well, The Truth, I have come to some conclusions.

There are times in my life when I am going to lie. Yes, lying is selfish and self serving but there are times in my life when I am selfish and I am self serving. Try as I might I'm not perfect. I can honestly say I'd be lying if I said I will never tell another lie. What I can say is that I'll do my best not to lie, especially when it counts the most.

So does this lack of will power or flaw in my character mean that I'm not a honest person? I don't think so. How could that be when I've already admitted I do in fact tell lies and will continue to do so at times? I believe that's where trust comes in. If people were honest 100% of the time then the word trust would lose it's status as a very important part of our lives. It doesn't take much trust if you know everything I'm going to tell you is the whole truth, even though it should be. Where trust really gets challenged is when you trust enough in me to know, despite my occasional tendency to be selfish or give into discomfort, when the truth is required or desired I will give it. Further, you will have to trust, that despite the fact I might tell a lie because the truth would make me uncomfortable, I am in no way disrespecting you by giving into my human emotions.

Over time don't we prove that we are trustworthy even though we are not perfect? Don't the people who trust us trust that we will know when to be brutally honest and when to read between the lines? Over time I have learned, "does this outfit make me look fat?" is not an invitation for me to express my exact thoughts of how my wife looks in her clothes or her level of fitness but that she is really asking, "do I look alright in this outfit?", or "Will I make a fool of myself if I wear this out in public?", or "I'm in need of a compliment." I'm not defending a lie in this situation, I'm simply stating that the trust she has in me can overcome my discomfort of being totally honest and still accomplish what she needs.

As an adult... as a human, I have the ability to evaluate when I need to ignore my emotions and discomfort and when giving into them will not cause serious harm. I believe that earned trust can help balance the flaw that it is to tell a lie, to a degree. The question for me isn't always "Do you believe me?" but more to the point, "Do you trust me?" Because every word that comes out of my mouth could be the truth but without trust would it matter?

Please don't see this post as an attack on Daughter or her position. As I said, I think she is right. I am very grateful to her for opening my eyes to a new and proper way of looking at my interaction with others, even if I'm not always strong enough in character to take it. I like to think I'm a better person for it. Had she not shared her position with me I doubt I would have given it much thought at all. I will always be grateful for those who push me to think, especially when it's in the right direction for the right reasons. And, don't think for a minute that I miss the irony here. Had Daughter not been so honest with me, had she decided it would be uncomfortable for her to be so honest about honesty I would have missed out on this important revelation. I get that loud and clear. It just strengthens her case that honesty all the time is the best policy. This isn't lip service either, it's just the truth.

Me, The Crew and Natalya Too

Being the people watcher I am, the cruise was an excellent place to observe all types of people interacting with each other in unusual and sometimes unfamiliar settings. Most was what you would expect, people having fun, drinking, partying and trying to live the high life. One thing I couldn't get past, that most of my fellow passengers didn't seem to notice was the crew. The ship we were on had crew members from over 60 different countries. These are hard working people who are committed to their job. Rarely, do you not get more than you expect and most of the time with a big smile.

Each crew member had a name tag that stated their name, their job title and the country they were from. It didn't take long for me to get into the habit of looking at their tag. Our head waiter, Natalya, one of the a few female head waiters on the ship, was from Ukraine. She was fantastic at her job. She seemed to enjoy waiting on us and took an immediate liking to my children. Still, there seemed to be a sadness in her eyes, even when her face was covered by her smile.

For some reason I spent a lot of time on the cruise thinking, and yes worrying about the crew, including Natalya. They made such an effort to make us feel like we were the first people that ever went on a cruise, instead of just another group they had to serve this particular week. As I paid more attention, when the crew thought they were out of sight, I noticed their faces relaxed and it was obvious these were not the eternally happy people they wanted to project. How could they be really? Spending months away from home and family, serving people who only cared where and when they would get their next meal or drink or something. What a life. Of course working the ship had to be a better opportunity than the place they had left which made me appreciate their situation that much more.

The more I thought about them and watched them the more I wanted to talk to them. When I was able to, I made a point to talk them about them, their situation and their lives. Amazingly the fake smiles faded away and real people emerged, with real smiles. Simple five minute conversations about them changed the way they treated us. Yes, they were being paid to look after us but they were people too and they had value beyond bringing me my things and make my life cushy.

On the second night at sea all the servers had to dance around the tables they waited on. It was scripted but cute. Natalya asked my five year old to join her. Amazingly he did and he was captivated by her for the rest of the cruise. She seemed to enjoy his affection too but I had to wonder, was it an act? Either way she had made my little boy happy so I was grateful but I was left wondering. When I got the chance I talked to her. She had spent the last 10 years of her life working on cruise ships. Seven or eight month stretches with only four or five weeks at home. She also told me the next week was her last. She was ready to go home for good.

The next morning, much to my surprise I saw Natalya in the lower dinning room busing tables. It shocked me because I assumed that a head waiter would be above "that kind of work". Seeing her at work that early also made me wonder just how many hours she was putting in each day. A few minutes later she showed up at my table with my son in tow. Seems he had seen her and wondered off to talk to her. We were all laughing and talking then she looked down at my empty plates and reached to get them. Stupidly I told her, "you don't have to do that." She gave me an odd look. I was embarrassed because I realized she did have to do it, it was her job.

On the last stop of the cruise, Nassau, as we passed through customs going into the country, we heard a person yelling out my sons name. She was making a lot of effort to catch up with us through a crowd of people. It was Natalya. She looked different with her hair down wearing her blue jeans. Maybe I read too much into the gesture but this was a sign I was looking for. She didn't have to chase us down. We never saw her, nor would we have. She must have wanted to speak to us. She leaned down and talked to the kids, then asked us our plans. She gave us some advise on where to go and what we should do. I let her know I was happy to see her finally not working. I thought about asking her to join us for lunch but I didn't want her to feel she had to spend her time off with her customers. Though a small part of me still wishes I had asked.

After our last dinner I thanked Natalya for her service with the customary tip. I also gave her some pictures I had printed of her dancing with my son. Not because I thought she wanted a memory of my son but because I wanted her to see what we saw. We saw her as a person. A person that brought joy to the people she encountered, as did most of the crew. She added value to people's lives beyond the service she was paid to do. Maybe she knew this already. Maybe she didn't care. She might of even gone back to her cabin and thrown the pictures in the trash but for some reason I don't think she did. It really doesn't matter. What matters is she knows that we know and that knowledge is hers to do with as she pleases. But I do hope it pleases her as much as it did my son... and me.

Please Please Me

A few months ago Time Traveller left a comment on a post of mine:

"he has an obsessive need to please people" (referring to me)

I'm sure she meant it in a nice way but I must admit the comment stayed with me. Maybe because it was close to the truth or maybe because it exposes another truth in my life that I'm having a hard time dealing with at the moment.

Yes, I like to please people, to make them happy. I always have. Maybe I do it to a fault, if that's possible but that's not why the comment stuck with me. I've always known that about me. I've always thought it is one of my better attributes. It stuck with me because lately it's become a source of frustration and irritation.

In a perfect world I could continue doing things to make people happy and the reward of seeing them happy would be all I would want. But that's not reality, or at least that's not my reality. No, with all I try to do to make the people in my life happy eventually one question starts creeping into my mind.

Does anyone care if I'm happy?

Selfish? Sure, but damn, you would think that these people, who not only accept my gestures of goodwill but EXPECT them and in some cases demand them, would want to return a little bit of the kindness. Oh, they offer. They say the things people say but words are hollow and without action they have no real meaning do they? See, I believe my actions, more than my words, are some proof that I care. It's not the only way to show it but by doing even the little things it should signal to them that I feel their burden, understand their desires and respect their dreams.

So every once in awhile I wonder where my proof is. Believe me, I look. Not to keep score but to make sure I'm giving credit where credit is due. Maybe that's a problem too but I have my eyes open and I don't see it. Don't get me wrong, the people in my life do things for me. They do the stuff they have to do or do because there is no inconvenience to them. The rest seem to be gestures that aren't based on anything that would remotely make me happy. I know I'm a big bastard for saying this. I know it's suppose to be the thought that counts but does it count if there is no proof that any thought went into it at all? In fact, it frustrates me further that they don't take even a second to consider who I am or what I'm about.

I'm not pinning my happiness on them. I know being happy is my responsibility. Over the past few years I have done a lot to understand that fact and have tried to adjust my life accordingly. I am happier for it too. Still, shouldn't the people who love me, and I do believe they love me, derive some pleasure for providing some part of that happiness? Or am I just an oddball who thinks this way?

So, should I stop trying to please people? Just go about my life and if something I do happens to make someone happy great but if not, oh well. Is that my answer? I don't even think I would know how. I don't want to either. I like helping a guy lift a big box into his car at the hardware store, getting out a buggy for the person behind me at Walmart or just holding a door open for someone. I like making the people I love happy even more. I like being that guy because I like to think I am that guy but lately that guy is not only feeling less than pleased but like a sucker as well.

Gravity

As I sat in the gym the other day, waiting for my gym partners, I couldn't help noticing how much things have changed.

I noticed the gym was cleaner and brighter than any I had lifted in over the last 20 years but the music was being blasted the same as ever, even though most couldn't hear it because they had on earphones. The gym was full of mostly young men with a few of us older guys scattered around the place. I think that's how it's always been. There were many new machines but the most popular were still the old favorites. The benches looked about the same, as did the weights and bars.

I started remembering when I was just getting started. I weighed all of 125 lbs. I was weak. I looked to the older guys for tips and pointers to help me on my way. I knew if I stuck with it I could get to their level. Ten years and a lot of work later I had put on 50 pounds. As I succeeded at setting goals and surpassing them, I fed off the accomplishments and that kept me coming back. After my first bench press competition I realized it wasn't where my journey had led me but rather it was the journey itself that I enjoyed.

I scanned the gym to see which guy might be making the same journey I enjoy so much. I never found him. What I found were a bunch of young guys who were ten years ahead of where they should be. Guys that had taken less than a year to put on 50 pounds of pure muscle. Obviously training techniques and diet information have improved since I started but that wouldn't be enough to speed up the process by ten years. Last time I checked gravity worked the same now as it did then. The body's ability to recover probably hasn't evolved much in 20 years either.

The sad part is I don't think they get the gravity of the situation. They know they're cheating but I'm not sure they understand what their cheating themselves out of. Things like the experience, the accomplishment, the journey. They've cheated themselves out of the whole damn point. I sat and watched as they made big lifts look easy and I knew they would never realize exactly what it should take to get to that level and the feeling you get when you finally do. Yeah, they still hoot and holler after each lift like it's them and not the steroids or human growth hormone but they know, and then again they don't know, and I doubt they ever will.

It made me wonder if they plan on approaching life the same way. It may be easy to defy gravity in the gym but they better have a better plan for more important challenges in life because life's gravity can knock you on your ass and it doesn't care how big you are. That's something that will never change.

What are these economist thinking?

They keep pouring our tax dollars into the credit market so that banks will be able to loan more money. Holly shit!!!!! How in the hell will giving loans to people who can't pay off their current loans help anything??? That's like giving a crack addict more crack to cure him. Sure the withdrawal systems will disappear... until he needs his next hit.

OMG! Financial markets WAKE UP! Go to the heart of the problem. Do things that may actually help. Mandate a ceiling on the interest credit card companies can charge. The short term federal rate is at 1.5% so there should be plenty of profit at 8%. That way people have an fair chance of reducing their debt and can afford to live at the same time. Also, credit card companies will be a little more picky about who they give credit to. At the 24% they charge some people now they can afford to take a shotgun approach. Throw credit at everyone and if most pay they clear some major profit.

Next, realize the housing market is screwed! Government can't fix it. A lot of people will not pay for a house when they owe $700,000.00 and they can buy the same house across the street for $400,00.00. You can't make them. Renegotiate their loans? Most loans are already at a low rate. Extending a loan to lower the payment will not help people who need to sell and will only reinforce the feeling that people are stuck in their house forever with no hope.

The only reason this didn't happen sooner is because people kept taking equity out of their house to pay off mounting bills. When the housing bubble burst that trick went away. All the government can do now is make sure the financial institutions work with people in an ethical and compassionate way and let people work their way out of thier problem.

I think our generation is going to finally figure out the difference between want and need.

I told you so

When I was growing up my sister, the only girl and the youngest in our family, was by far the favorite of our house. No actions were taken to hide it and no excuses were ever given for it. When I was older my mother would tell me to wait until I had children. She surmised that only then would I understand the difference between a daughter and a son. She assured me I would be the same way.

Oddly enough I have three children that are the exact distance in age as I was with my siblings. They are also in the same gender order, boy, boy, girl. I'll have to say my mom was right, girls are different. It's harder for me to discipline my little girl. Obviously I take a softer approach with her than I do with the boys. And, she knows how to tug on my heart strings when she wants something, or more importantly, when she doesn't want to do something. How the hell do they learn that at age three?!

So do I owe mom an apology? Or at least an admission that she was right? Hell no! They may be different but they all have equal value. Will one of them emerge to share more of my interests? Probably, but my job isn't to be their buddy. My job as a parent is to be interested in the person they are, encourage them to find their strengths and help them sure up their weaknesses. I have to be interested in them, not the other way around.

Treating children differently and favoring one over the others is not the same thing. I don't think my mom ever understood that. She thought moms raise girls and dads raise sons. My dad was a workaholic and wasn't around much while I was growing up. As a result my sister reaped the rewards of her close relationship with my mom, as my brother and me watched from the sideline. As a child I didn't understand the dynamics of the situation. All I saw was the inconsistencies in the way we were being raised. Children may not know why something isn't right but they almost always know when something is wrong.

Now when I'm telling my mom some cute or special thing about my little girl, my mom gives me that look. The look that says, "see, I told you so." I don't say anything because you can't change the past and I'm not about to downplay how amazing having a little girl actually is. It makes me sad though, to realize my mom never understood how wonderful raising boys can be too. I see she understands it more now, as I see her grandsons steal her heart over and over again, though I doubt she'll ever make the connection. It makes me happy to see her experience it but sometimes I can't help feeling the emotions of the little boy from my past, that wants to tug on my mom's shirt to get her attention, and say, "see, I told you so."

Push The Pigs Out of Bed

Politics frustrate me to no end. What should be a great system has turned into a power grab for personal benefit. Worse, the press loves the current system because it gives them hours and hours of problems to report about. I bet there are only a handful of politicians that are actually looking out for 'We the people'.

What frustrates me most is that 'We the people' could easily fix the system. We won't of course because most of us have bought into the two party system that basically makes it into an 'our team can beat your team' mentality. Great for the team leaders, not so great for those of us watching from the sidelines.

For what it's worth here are a few things I would change to insure a better government.

Term Limits: This, without a doubt, is the most important change that should be made. This would stop career politicians. This would stop power grabs. This would help curb corruption. Elected officials would get elected have a few years to do some good then fade back into the private sector or some other form of public service.

Equal Access: Every citizen should have the same access to an elected official as anyone else. That means no special meetings with lobbyist or special groups.

No Gifts: No paid for trips, no free dinners, no free airplane rides, no campaign contributions. No gifts at all.

Structured Campaigns: Set spending limits for each political race. Free and equal air-time on TV and radio. Equal amounts of newspaper ads. No outside groups campaigning for a candidate nationally.

No Party Power: Speaker of the House and Senate should be rotated between states every few months. Committee heads should be appointed the same way.

Equality for All: Elected officials have to abide by any and all laws the public is subject to. Like wise, their benefits should be equal to and no more than is available to the public. Social security and taxes not excluded.

Open Up the Field: I'm not sure how to accomplish this one but everyone would benefit from having more party choices than the two we have now.

I realize after all of these changes are implemented it would take a few years to close all the loopholes that pop up. I think it could work too. It couldn't be much worse than what we have now. I just don't understand how everyone can watch these pigs walking around on two legs and not be frustrated too.

The Tipping Point

Since I'm in an industry that is heavily affected by the high cost of fuel, I'm seeing a lot of long faces these days. Hard working people who have no choice but to pay the price and try to survive. Seeing how much damage these high prices have inflicted, I've been more than upset, but don't think everyone is. There are certain people who are giddy, yes giddy, about it and its effect on people. I'm talking about the hard core environmentalist, for them this is a dream come true. (Ironically people selling oil feel the same way.)

Now I'm not suggesting environmentalist are happy people are hurting, I don't think that, but they do see high energy prices as a positive step towards forcing conservation and the use of alternative forms of energy, that are better for the environment. While I admire those who want a cleaner planet, I have to wonder if the environmentalist have gotten too much of a good thing.

They predicted, correctly so, that when the cost of fossil fuels became too expensive people would start using less energy and turn to alternative cleaner sources. What they didn't count on was the tipping point. I believe that there is a tipping point in almost any situation. A point, that when surpassed, can create an undesired and unpredictable effect. We have passed that point. Yes, people are driving less, as well as looking at solar and wind power as real solutions but because the dramatic rise in energy prices they are also turning towards drilling in protected areas, more refineries and more nuclear plants. Clearly this was not what the environmentalist were hoping for. They have fought hard to keep these options off the energy menu for the past thirty years. Well not only are they back on the menu, they're about to be served.

Unfortunately, fossil fuels and nuclear energy are the only sources ready for prime time. While the masses may be willing and ready to make a change, the alternatives are just not there yet. Just because people want an alternative source of energy doesn't mean it's out there, at least not at the moment. Turning our attention 100% to producing these unknown alternatives is not guaranteed to produce anything. We have to have a plan until a solution is found.

What we should be doing is attacking the problem on two fronts. Implement established alternatives where they are productive, reward and promote conservation efforts and encourage the development of cleaner energy. At the same time we need to develop a realistic plan to use the resources we have here now to supply or energy needs . And for Pete's sake don't grow food to put in our fuel tanks while people are starving all over the world.

With the best of intentions the environmentalist have bound our hands too tight and pushed us in a direction that has no clear path. I honestly believe change is necessary, maybe vital, but forcing it on people before a realistic solution has been discovered is risky and seems to be tipping us in the wrong direction.

The best roads don't end in a 90 degree turn, they slowly curve and bank us in a new direction so that very little momentum is lost.

S.E.X.

Let's talk about sex baby, let's talk about...

Yep I'm going to talk about s.e.x. Sure it's fun, feels good and is a great way to connect with another person. Hey it's a beautiful thing but I have few questions. No, not about that. I have three kids, I think I know about THAT. Though, if you think you can teach me something new I might be willing to listen.

My question, which of course will bring an avalanche of more questions, is to what degree do we have, or does our partner have to satisfy our sexual needs, desires and fantasies? Especially when you are in a monogamous relationship and you count on your partner for all of your sexual needs and wants.

Say your partner likes having chocolate sauce poured all over them and licked off. (sorry if you were looking for something racier, maybe later... maybe not) Now you may not find anything sexual about this. Hell, you may not even like chocolate sauce but your partner sure does, a lot. So what's the obligation here? Indulge them one time then throw out the chocolate sauce every time they buy more? Eat chocolate a few times a month and put on few pounds to keep your partner satisfied? Get a doctors excuse saying you're allergic to chocolate? Then give up Thin Mints for the rest of your life?!!

Obviously if something is repulsive then it's off limits but where is the line? Do we even have the right to expect our partner to fulfill our non-traditional desires? What are traditional desires when it comes to sex anymore? I would think even a nun's fantasies involve more than the standard missionary position these days.

It may be an awkward subject but it can cause some serious issues in a relationship. I can't imagine what happened back in the days before premarital sex. Can you imagine marrying someone, then finding out they were into some freaky feather fetish?

Just a subject that popped into my mind when I WASN'T looking at latex wearing, cross dressing, midget, S&M, public, orgy, sex videos on the Internet the other day.

Making the Turn

Turning 40 was no big deal. Yeah the wife had been ragging me about it for months but it was all in good fun. While I don't care much for the aging process, getting older never bothered me. It's natural, it's normal and honestly, what choice do we have?

So it came as bit of a surprise when I found myself laying in bed the morning of the last day of my thirties, thinking about time. The thought that got me started was thinking that ten years ago, the same day, I was saying goodbye to my twenties.

I was thinking about how much had happened in the last ten years. Ten years ago the wife and I were still living in the city in our first house. She was working as an x-ray tech/nurse for a small doctor's office. I had not long moved into sales at my job. We had been trying unsuccessfully for five years to have a child. Our weekends consisted of dinners, movies and whatever just popped into our heads. My parents were about to move into their sixties and were looking forward to retirement and enjoying their golden years. Looking back, life seemed simple.


Ten years later we have three children. We live out in the country in the woods. The wife is a stay at home mom and I've already put twenty years into the family business. Our weekends are filled with child activities and home projects. I haven't been to the movies in a very long time. My parents are now starting to worry about their health as they enter their seventies. A different life indeed.

As my mind considered each change, I let it slip into the future. Where would I be ten years from this day as I say goodbye to my forties and hello to my fifties?!! While there is much I don't know, the things I did think of shook me. Quite frankly they blew my mind.

In ten short years I may be in that very same bed but life will be far from the same. My oldest son will be turning eighteen the next day. A legal adult of voting age, driving and hopefully, about to leave the house to go off to college. All my children will be teenagers. I'll be five years and a day away from being a senior citizen. The wife will be working again. All the pets I have now will have passed. My parents, if they are still with us, will surely be wrapping up their lives by then as they start their eighties.

Looking at the future this way, it seems like a lifetime away but based on how fast the last ten years just went, it's just around the corner. I don't mind admitting change doesn't sit well with me. These thoughts did not make me happy. Finally, I was able to stop this thought process and get out of bed to face the day. Although I was able to push these revelations to the back of my mind, an old silly phrase kept running through my head but had now taken on a new meaning.

"Jane! Stop this crazy thing!"

- George Jetson

Growth

When each of my children were born I planted a tree on our property to mark the occasion. With Ethan it was a willow tree right next to the kitchen window. I didn't realize it at the time but I had planted the willow right next to our septic tank.

Amazingly in just over three short years the tree grew as tall as our house. I had to trim the bottom branches so that we could see under it from the kitchen window. In a short amount of time, due to the extra nutrients it was getting from the septic tank, it became one of our favorite trees. It provided some much needed shade. I loved to watch it's long lanky limbs blowing in the wind. It had a very majestic appeal to it. It was a beautiful tree.

Then, suddenly it died. All the leaves fell off, it turned brittle and dried up. Apparently some type of beetle burrowed into it's trunk and killed it.

The moral of this story: You can't suck shit for too long before something bad crawls up your ass and kills you.

Knowledge Bling

Last weekend I had the pleasure of driving down to the Kennedy Space Center, NASA, to spend the night with my son and his Boy Scout Troop. We had an amazing time. I won't bore you with the details but the highlight of the trip was sleeping under a Saturn 5 rocket. Not just any rocket but the most powerful rocket ever built.

Our guide for the two days we were there was Sam. Sam was a middle aged man with no outstanding features at all. In most other settings I would not have paid him much attention but I have to say at NASA, Sam was the man. Before he even spoke I knew he was special. I could tell by the way he carried himself and his confidence that I was going to enjoy being around him. I was not disappointed either. He was a wealth of information, he was smart and funny. He knew how to unload vast amounts of information to me... oh, and the kids of course, lets not forget why we were there. It was all about for the children, honestly. Anyway, he delivered information in an entertaining yet productive way.

There was something about him I should have picked up on right away but I didn't. When I heard him tell another parent he was an fifth grade teacher it came as no surprise. I've always thought teachers were a special bunch. People who deserved our respect for the incredibly important job they do. Yes there are bad ones, but as a whole I think they have a little special something. Call it knowledge bling or something.

One thing I've always pondered is if I think teachers are special because they really are or because teachers are one of our earliest adult role models and figures of authority. I think Sam helped me answer that question this weekend. I knew he was first class, I knew he "had it" before I knew he was a teacher and even before I knew he would be teaching us for the next two days. Another mystery of the universe solved. Now if someone could just explain to me why Paris Hilton is famous?

On a side note I had a chance to talk to Sam a little one on one that night. I think I held my on on topics such as relativity, gravity and thrust. I think Daughter would be proud.