Tools to Happiness

It has been said on this blog many times that you are responsible for your own happiness. An idea I have tried to embrace but have always felt wasn't practical in real life. Yes, we get to pick our paths. Yes, we have free will to change that path when it ceases to bear fruit on our happiness tree. The problem I'm having with taking charge of my own happiness are silly words that get in the way, like commitment, responsibility and reality.

If I lived in a perpetual state of selfishness I could easily move from moment to moment depending on what fancy hit me to make me smile. Even then, the deep happiness that comes from accomplishment, which is often achieved from sacrifice and determination, may become more elusive.

So I've come to the conclusion that to have a relationship, with anyone at almost any level, is to place your happiness in differing degrees in the hands of others. This of course brings me to another word that has given me such a fit when it comes to happiness, expectations. While I agree counting on others to live up to our expectations is a foolish plan for happiness, I also want to point out it is human nature to do so. Like someone once sang, "everyone plays the fool, sometimes." I mean laying our happiness on how our kids turn out is something that can't be avoided unless your heart is made of stone or you just never have them. And for them, and others in our life, we may do a life time of work and make sacrifices that not only make us unhappy but crush a little part of who we are. Not because we want to be rich but because we think providing the right path for the people in our lives, as well as ourself, will lead to heaping bowl of happiness with mash mellow surprises and rainbow slides. We really do believe this. We must, right?

Of course when Reality bumps up to the poker table of life we quickly realize we are not holding all the cards. We make a deal with the people in our life. They agree to this deal in one way or another. Then we all set out to, in the words of Captain Jean-Luc Picard, "make it so." Then when they fail to "make it so" or they decide "making it so" isn't as important to them as they first let on, or worse, they change to a plan that wasn't the plan at all, how can we help but be unhappy? True, it was our expectation that they would work just as hard at the plan as we did but that's hardly avoidable seeing how an agreement was struck, verbal or not.

How do we own our own happiness in a world where the rules change daily and one person's commitment is another's thought of the day, or hour? How do we plow a good row for our future seeds when others so carelessly shove dirt into the path we just gave blood, sweat and tears to dig? How can we still be in charge of our happiness when we feel obligated to the commitments, made in part by others, who now feel no obligation at all? Sure, I can carry the load, most of the time, but I won't be happy about it and I am damn sure going to resent those who packed on the extra weight and are waiting at the finish line for me to deliver it.

Our choices seem to be to never count on anybody, never expect people to do what they agree to and never do anything for anybody and expect anything in return. How sad. Obviously not realistic either.

So what's the answer, please? Is it learning when to play the fool and when to stand up for yourself? That line is so fine I haven't found a pair of glasses that allows me to see it. Can I really find happiness knowing I'm playing the fool? Well, maybe when I let my child beat me at a game to see the excitement on his face but not on the the big things like commitment, responsibility and trust. How do I learn to let those go when the ramifications of doing so slap me in the face at every turn. If ignorance is bliss then foolishness, knowing what's right and picking something else, has to be destruction. Can we really be happy watching parts of our world be destroyed by the very people we live for? Hardly.

The answer must lay in developing a tool to be able to let things go, even if these things go against what you believe are right, fair or just. This tool must be forged from other tools like, forgiveness, compassion, understanding and priorities. This is a tool I have yet to acquire or construct in my life but desperately need to obtain, apparently, to be happy.

All for one, One for goodbye

Some friends of The wife, who have become friends of mine, are in the beginning stages of a divorce. Not an uncommon tale, high school sweethearts, married for 14 years with three kids. He is a bit immature but always provided for his family, and by his soon to be ex-wife's admission, a great dad. They had an all to common set-up I'm seeing more and more these days. He was willing to let her run the house, and their lives, as long as he was allowed to have his toys and his boy time. Not a setup I'd be comfortable with but they seemed happy with it. Though I wonder if a wife doesn't start to see a husband like this as another one of the children and lose respect for him.

For the last 5 years they have worked together to put her through school. During this time it became obvious that the main purpose for the family was to help her get her degree. His friends joked that when she did get it she would leave him. The closer she got to her degree the more empowered she felt and the more distant he became. The day after her graduation she approached him about repairing their marriage, on her terms. Much to her surprise, he told her he wasn't interested, he didn't love her anymore and he already had other plans. He would be leaving as soon as she got a job. She never saw it coming.

For the past few weeks she has tried to talk him into marriage counseling but he "checked out" months ago. Looking back she can see now that she put him behind her goals and ambition, even though he was helping make them possible. All the signs were there, like him going to the gym most nights, after the kids went to bed, for 5 hours at a time. She never bothered to question this or check to see if he was actually going.

I have to wonder how many times he tried to get her attention by acting out by doing something obviously wrong only to be ignored, enforcing the notion that she didn't care. So months ago he realized he wasn't important in her life, started making other plans and checked out.

Now it's time for the divorce. He can't wait to move out and start the life he's been planning for months. She is just starting to come to terms with the thought of a new life, a very different life. He is happy, she is mad. He is relieved, she is angry. Of course he was where she is now but that was months ago, and she didn't notice or care. The divorce will get ugly. She is talking about restricting his parental rights through the courts. I guess the fact he is a "great dad" doesn't matter now. The children will suffer. In the end he will probably realize that he should have stayed and tried to work it out. He will realize all the things she was doing for him that he never thought about. No one will win and everyone will lose.

It seems to me a little bit of appreciation and attention could have prevented the whole situation. It's a lesson I won't forget anytime soon... I hope.

Reality, a nice place to visit

As I was sitting in my chair,

I knew the bottom wasn't there,

Nor legs nor back, but I just sat,

Ignoring little things like that.

~Hughes Mearns

She told me she is the happiest she has ever been, that letting God guide her life allowed her to be the person she always wanted to be. "I no longer acted with my ego but now with my heart," she confessed. She had proof too, in the form of a letter announcing her appointment to the board of directors of a children's shelter she has been working with through her company. The letter was now framed and proudly displayed on her office wall for all to see. Furthermore, the pride and gleam in her eye was unmistakable as she told me her company's CEO emailed all 400 hundred employees to let them know she was the very model of philanthropy her company promoted. I was happy for her.

She told me that she had never felt closer to her children as I sat in her beautiful home that showed no evidence that children lived there at all. Not an easy feat with a 7 and 9 year old.

She told me that her new path allowed her to let go of judgments of others. Then she proceeded to tell me if I would just open my mind and heart to God I could get to the place where she was at. I wondered where she thought I was.

My sister recently asked me to come to her town, alone, so that we could talk. She wanted to discuss her religious and spiritual awakening. She wanted me to buy into what she said she wasn't selling very badly. But I couldn't, I can't. See, I'm more into reality and perception these days. I told her that too, not in a condescending way but to let her know I wasn't ready to travel her path. I explained my reality has been too real for me these past years to be able to look beyond it.

She said she had forgiven us all. For what I wasn't sure, so I asked. The list was long and eye opening. Mom, for her negative attitude towards her. Our brother's lack of interest in the birth of her children. The men of the house for not clearing our plates when she had to clean the kitchen. Dad for the few times he spanked her and us for laughing when he did. My parents for letting her friends pick on her. Dad for all the nightmares she had remembering the spankings my brother and me often received. Her ex husband for not being man enough to be her husband. The list went on and on...

Of course I realize that no matter how trivial these events seem to me they were traumatic and real to my sister. I didn't want to disregard her feelings but at the same time I was having a hard time relating to her pain knowing she was raised as close to a princess as I had ever known anyone to be. I was having an even harder time understanding why these events that happened, mostly, over 25 years ago were still issues to her today. So much of an issue that she said she almost cut us all out of her life a few years ago.

During the long drive home and since, I've been bothered by our conversations. My brain has been struggling with her version of reality versus mine. She says she's happy. She says she has only positive thoughts. She says she doesn't judge people anymore. I can clearly see she believes all of this, and therefore if she thinks she's happy then she IS happy, right? So does it matter that the things she professes to feel are the opposite of what she's projecting? Her happiness appears as loneliness, her positive thinking comes off as controlling, her none judgement seems condescending... But that's my reality, in her's she's perfectly happy. I guess that's where I need to let her be... and to be honest, it is a nicer place to visit than it use to be.

Looking Through a Fool's Eyes

Jen's comment on my last post, made me realize I haven't posted in awhile. The truth is I'm painfully aware that I haven't posted anything in some time. In fact, I've been thinking about this blog a lot recently. A few things have happened in my life that I would love to blog about but I'm not sure how to do that and be fair to the people involved.

Over the past few months I have had to deal with situations and emotions that until this point in my life have been rather foreign to me. Maybe that's why they had such an effect on me. I assumed I was immune to certain aspects of life... unfortunately, I now realize I am not.

After all is said and done the main question I'm left with is this - why do we let things go on when we know they aren't right? And if we simply played them out to their logical conclusion we would know that acting like we don't know, even when we do, won't save us from the inevitable outcome. Is it laziness? Is it denial? Is it hoping something will come along and magically change the situation? Or is it, as I fear it is, simple desperation.

Being made to feel like a fool is a horrible feeling. But realizing you played the fool is worse. I knew... I'm the king of knowing. I always, always, always try to see situations from the other's point of view. Yet, I could not force myself to conclude what was so damn obvious. We ALL have a part of us we don't show to everyone. Sometimes that part of us never sees the light of day but on occasion, we find a place, a person or situation where we feel this part fits. We let it out... and it can feel sooo good.

So look around and think about the people you know. What is their secret part? Are they letting it out? If so, what ramifications will this part, the part you don't know but you do know exist, have on your life? The evidence is all around us, an odd behavior, a distant feeling or slight grin where none should be. We know it's something, then tell ourselves it is nothing because if we do that, it is nothing... until one day that nothing has grown so big and so obvious ignoring it becomes more painful than living with it. What then? Or I should say, what now?

My two trillion cents worth

Since the election I've been keeping my mouth shut about our new president. Believe me it hasn't been easy either. I like to think I'm a "give em a chance" type guy. His newest proposal, one he ran strong on, is health care reform. Something I agree desperately needs changing.

Of course I wouldn't go about it the way he's proposing... big surprise huh? There are so many options open to try before we hand over health care to the government. You know "the government" who can't run the schools, the post office or public transportation. Even for twice the money and half the quality of similar private institutions.

Here are a few things I would try before nationalizing health care.

Step One: I would implement something called True Cost Billing (I just made that up *pat on the back*) With True Cost Billing a patient could only be charged the actual coast of a procedure or medicine plus a set cap on profit. Say 30% max? So a 10 cent Tylenol would cost a patient no more 13 cent instead of the 6 dollars they maybe charged now.

Instead of the cost of those who can't pay being added to the cost of those who do, a person is only paying for the services THEY RECEIVED. Doing this will DRASTICALLY lower insurance rates. Under this system more people may actually feel than can afford to pay their bill. A lot more people can pay a 600.00 hospital bill rather than an over blown 4,000.00 bill they may just walk away from. That's less collections and less people having their credit destroyed.

"BUT WAIT" I think I heard someone scream. "Who is going to pay for all the people who can't afford care but still need it?" Ok, I didn't hear that but I'm sure someone thought it, very loud. Well, with True Cost Billing insurance rates should fall to a level where more employers can afford health insurance for their employees and families thus eliminating many of the non-payers. "What about the rest?" you may ask. That's where step two kicks in. Follow me...

Step Two: Tort Reform. Place a cap on how much one person can sue a doctor or hospital. "OMG! That's not fair!" that same mysterious voice just yelled. It is fair. If the doctor makes a honest mistake then there should be a limit to damages BUT if the doctor does something criminal then the caps come off and the damages are wide open. Besides, if the government takes over health care do you really think you can sue them for mistakes? Ask someone who uses a VA hospital how that turns out. So with tort reform, medical malpractice insurance goes way down and with it the cost of providing health care.

Step Three: Stop giving away health care to those in this country illegally. Harsh? Yes, I hated to even type it. I'm not advocating turning anyone in need away. There are ways to do this in a humane way. I would suggest a pay or go away plan. That means if you come to the hospital for care and you can pay no questions will be asked about your legal status. But, if you can't pay and you are in the country illegally you will be deported, after treatment of course. Cruel? Not when you consider that Mexicans alone send an estimated 17 billion dollars back to Mexico each year. Some of these people have the money to pay for their health care. If you use the system you should help pay for it.

Step Four: Cut the fraud. With all the computer technology I find it hard to believe someone can't right a program that will identify fraud in Medicaid and Medicare. It should be as easy as finding the average billing of services for a doctor or institution. If a doctor or institution submits payment for more than 10% of average then it would trigger an audit. Seems simple to me.

Step Five: Let companies shop for insurance across state lines. This will increase competition and cut premiums. Another no-brainer from where I sit.

I'm sure there are a few flaws in my steps but smarter people than me could work them out. I just can't see building a new system with all the same problems still there, except this time they're built into the system. Especially if the government is going to be in charge. I mean do we really want the same people who have our financial files to have our medical records too? Come on hippies of the sixties, where is all that paranoia of the government when we need it? Don't give into "the man".

To me it's like a boat that won't go because the anchor is out. So you build a bigger boat and tie the anchor to it. Hell, why not try just pulling the anchor up first?

What's my line?

Two of the reasons for why I came up with my line concept.

Recently The Wife has taken up an interest outside of the family. Since I like her to be happy, and I think everyone needs to have their own thing, I encouraged her pursue this interest. When she needed my help I was glad to do it. As with most new things she went a little overboard. Well, maybe more than a little. I also didn't get this new interest of hers, which isn't a problem because I don't have to, it's her thing. I've also been careful to not be negative about it because it's making her happy.

The time and effort The Wife was putting into this new interest started to become a sore subject with me. Not only did she not have any time for me, the kids were starting to complain too. I think when a five year old notices mom is doing something too much it's a problem. Still, I thought I would give the newness time to wear off. It didn't.

When I decided it was time to address the situation with her, everything I thought to say sounded selfish, except for the part about the kids. "You're not paying me enough attention" is what everything I thought to say ended up sounding like. It also would sound like I was jealous of her new interest, which I wasn't. Worse, I realized that while I was trying to do what I could to make her happy she seemed to care little or nothing about my happiness. I was not a happy camper. I needed to express this in a way she wouldn't get defensive and take it as an attack on her new interest.

That's what the line post was about. That and my best friend. When I explained to her that I felt our relationship had lost it's balance and that she was doing no more in our relationship than a friend would do she seemed to understand. Instead of addressing her new interest I was able demonstrate the problem in away she could see it.

Also, my relationship with my best friend has been on the rocks. It's been bothering me for some time. Now I can see that other areas of his life are more important to him than our friendship. I know that sounds selfish but it's not. I just had to realize no amount of effort on my part will make things the way they once were. I realized it's time to let go and apply my efforts in other directions. My line concept made that obvious.

Crossing The Line

Over the last few weeks I've been struggling to concentrate on anything other than one subject. Recently I become aware that I'm not totally happy with some of the relationships in my life. More specifically I was feeling that some of them were out of balance. I wanted to address the problem with these people but when I said the problem out loud, to myself, it just sounded petty, and selfish. So I sat there knowing there was a problem, yet I couldn't define it in a way that would help me explain it to them without being dismissed as being selfish. Worse, what if I was just being selfish and petty. I needed to define the problem in terms that would help me understand as well as be able to articulate it to others.

How do we know our relationships are in balance? What separates a relationship with an acquittance from that of a friend? A parent from a wife? A brother from a best friend? What should we expect and what do we owe them. After much contemplation the easiest way for me to understand this was with lines. Each of us draws lines that we are willing, or not willing to cross, for each category. Where those lines are drawn depends a lot on what type person we are, how far we are willing to take things and how strong we feel about someone.

Obviously we are constantly adjusting our lines and moving them. Like wise, we continually shift the people in our lives to one side of these lines or the other. With this concept of lines I really have been able to put the relationships in my life in perspective. Furthermore, these same lines can identify where I need to do some work and where others are not putting forth the same effort as me. They can certainly give me a clear picture of how far I want to go with people or need to go.

With my children the line is clear. There is almost no line I wouldn't cross for them. Their dependence on me makes my responsibility to them very clear. Their lines are short because love is all they can offer at the beginning of their lives. Their lines will grow as they do. But identifying the rest of the lines isn't so easy. Every time we move a line further down we let that person deeper into our lives. The real problem comes when we cross a line another person is not willing to cross for us or doesn't realize they have stopped short of the line. Worse, they may have backed across a line they were once willing to cross.

So now I have a good tool to measure to see where I'm at with the relationships in my life. It might not tell me what the problems are but at least I know there is one. That it's not just me imagining something that's not there. That's a good starting point or at least a good starting line.

Let them eat cake... but not so much

As the economy continues to limp along I've have had enough conversations with people to formulate my perfect analogy. If you haven't noticed, me likes analogies.

The cake analogy

Our economy, not to long ago, was very good. All the economic factors worked together to serve us up a big beautiful multi-layered cake of prosperity. But, instead of just enjoying a slice or two a lot of people stuck their whole face in the cake and ate too much. Now the economy has a belly ache and is bloated. As with any belly ache you can try to treat it with medicine but the real cure is waiting for the stomach to digest the food until it becomes hungry again. It will take time and the cake makers and cake supplies will not be in much demand. When we are ready to eat again we will be less likely to eat as much, as long as we remember the belly ache. Thus placing the economy on a stricter, leaner diet. Not as fun as gorging on cake but we can live a lot longer that way.

If you don't like cake pie works just as well.

I'm not just another petty Facebook picture

I was talking with my sister-in-law while we were all on vacation. She mentioned an old friend of mine that she use to live near when we were growing up. We lost contact when he moved away many years ago. When I mentioned I wouldn't mind seeing what he looked like she told me he was on Facebook.

I've known about Facebook for some time but knowing it is a social networking system, especially of all things past, is a bit of a turn off to me. That's just not how I roll, as they say. I recently set The Wife up with a page so she could join a group of people that enjoys a band she likes. That gave me a good idea of how Facebook works. After our vacation I talked to The Wife about setting up a Facebook page for the family. Only, you have to put one name in Facebook. Since I was the one who had the idea, was setting it up and wanted to check out my friend I used my name but I placed a picture of the whole family as the profile picture. Anyone from our past knows both of us. After realizing how many people I use to know was on Facebook I changed the name on the account to The Wife's name. Just not my cup of tea. We knew no matter whose name was on the account people would contact both of us. And they did.

My sister-in-law was our first friend. All fun and games until she wrote on her wall that her sister was pregnant and she was looking forward to "finally becoming an aunt." WTF? What are my kids and my sister's kids? It actually came as no surprise that she felt that way but to say it in a place she knew we would see it is more than a little rude and hurtful. I can see this type of stuff repeating itself over and over.

Last night the wife had me edit a picture of her for her fan Facebook page, I thought. Then she asked if it would be ok to take down the family picture on our page and put her picture up instead. I know it's petty, very petty, but it hit me wrong. When I asked why, she couldn't even be upfront about her reason. She said the picture of all of us, one she helped pick out, wasn't a good one. The thing is, I swear I don't care about Facebook. The whole concept of reaching out to people you let go out of your life with barely a thought makes me shiver. But alas, I guess some part of me does care. At least enough to get upset over our family picture being removed in favor of an individual one. Petty on my part but telling on The Wife's part I think, at least in my opinion it is.

Alone, Wet and Happy

The first thought that came to mind when I learned about our past cruise was scuba diving. Not only had I not been diving in a long time, Belize is a great place to dive. That's what I had heard anyway. Since The Wife isn't big on diving and someone had to watch the children she let me go as my Christmas gift. Sweet gal that one.

When the time came I was excited but I found myself in unfamiliar territory. I rarely do anything by myself. I had signed up to go with a group of people who were just learning to dive because it had been awhile since I had been. Safety first on with the things that can kill you I say.

Being by myself and already trained to dive I was allowed to sit back and observe all the different people negotiate their fears of something new. I watched as insecure people poured as much negativity onto the situation as they could to justify their poor performance, ruining the experience for themselves as well as the people with them. I saw macho men get humbled by fear. I saw people hand over their lives, literally, to strangers and trusted them completely. People are an odd bunch under stress.

I also found it amusing that when the 15 beginners found out that I, a total stranger, was a certified diver they took comfort in it. Despite the fact that five well qualified instructors, all dive masters, were telling them what to do, they would come to me for assurance that the information being given was the truth. In the end, three of the people in the class chose not to dive, though they were all capable.

After I descended into the ocean I watched as my class mates struggled to grasp the concept of neutral buoyancy. A task they mastered in a much shorter time than I initially did when I was learning. I watched the dive masters fuss over them for awhile then I turned over to enjoy the spectacular reef below me. The visibility was about a 100 feet, the colors and the fish were spectacular.

When I returned to the boat I watched and listened as my fellow divers couldn't contain the experience they had just witnessed. They all went on and on about what they had just seen and done. Divers high I call it. It was obvious the three that stayed on the boat regretted it deeply. All vowed to give it another shot the next chance they got.

Being there alone I was able to take in everything around me without any distractions. Belize is a unusual but fantastic memory I'll cherish for a long time. Oh, and the diving was awesome too.

Please Please Me

A few months ago Time Traveller left a comment on a post of mine:

"he has an obsessive need to please people" (referring to me)

I'm sure she meant it in a nice way but I must admit the comment stayed with me. Maybe because it was close to the truth or maybe because it exposes another truth in my life that I'm having a hard time dealing with at the moment.

Yes, I like to please people, to make them happy. I always have. Maybe I do it to a fault, if that's possible but that's not why the comment stuck with me. I've always known that about me. I've always thought it is one of my better attributes. It stuck with me because lately it's become a source of frustration and irritation.

In a perfect world I could continue doing things to make people happy and the reward of seeing them happy would be all I would want. But that's not reality, or at least that's not my reality. No, with all I try to do to make the people in my life happy eventually one question starts creeping into my mind.

Does anyone care if I'm happy?

Selfish? Sure, but damn, you would think that these people, who not only accept my gestures of goodwill but EXPECT them and in some cases demand them, would want to return a little bit of the kindness. Oh, they offer. They say the things people say but words are hollow and without action they have no real meaning do they? See, I believe my actions, more than my words, are some proof that I care. It's not the only way to show it but by doing even the little things it should signal to them that I feel their burden, understand their desires and respect their dreams.

So every once in awhile I wonder where my proof is. Believe me, I look. Not to keep score but to make sure I'm giving credit where credit is due. Maybe that's a problem too but I have my eyes open and I don't see it. Don't get me wrong, the people in my life do things for me. They do the stuff they have to do or do because there is no inconvenience to them. The rest seem to be gestures that aren't based on anything that would remotely make me happy. I know I'm a big bastard for saying this. I know it's suppose to be the thought that counts but does it count if there is no proof that any thought went into it at all? In fact, it frustrates me further that they don't take even a second to consider who I am or what I'm about.

I'm not pinning my happiness on them. I know being happy is my responsibility. Over the past few years I have done a lot to understand that fact and have tried to adjust my life accordingly. I am happier for it too. Still, shouldn't the people who love me, and I do believe they love me, derive some pleasure for providing some part of that happiness? Or am I just an oddball who thinks this way?

So, should I stop trying to please people? Just go about my life and if something I do happens to make someone happy great but if not, oh well. Is that my answer? I don't even think I would know how. I don't want to either. I like helping a guy lift a big box into his car at the hardware store, getting out a buggy for the person behind me at Walmart or just holding a door open for someone. I like making the people I love happy even more. I like being that guy because I like to think I am that guy but lately that guy is not only feeling less than pleased but like a sucker as well.

Thinking just a tad

I've been thinking about Christian Slater lately. You know, because he's so dreamy and all that. Ok, maybe not like that but actually a little bit like that. What I've actually been thinking about is his hair.

What's up with this man's hair??? He has a bit of a high forehead and a full head of hair so why comb it straight back? That's a tad weird, right?

Well, I'm not really thinking that it's weird. I'm really thinking that my hairline is a lot like his. If I must admit it, my forehead is a bit higher than average, like his. Not much higher mind you. Lets just say a tad higher, and leave it at that. Seriously, leave it at that.

So I was thinking, not much but a tad, that maybe, just maybe, I should let my hair grow out and comb it back, like, say, Christian Slater does. Only I don't really like the way he does his hair much, maybe a tad but people must right. Being that he's a big star and all. I do like the cool way he gets to push it back when it falls forward. So there is that.

Anyway, that's what I've been thinking about, but not too much, because that would be weird. At least a tad.

A Long Irrelevant News Slant Rant (a must skip read)

Now that the election is over I've had time to examine just how much influence the press has in this country and on the world. From my point of view and from the evidence I've seen, the press cheated this country and the world out of an honest debate about what the candidates had to offer. I doubt anyone will care but I feel I need to chronicle the way I felt the press influenced the pick of the 44TH president of The United States. This has nothing to do with Obama. I don't blame him for what the press did. I'm sure any candidate would have been happy to have the press on their side.

I don't think it's a secret that the press favors the left and therefor the Democrats. They have for a long time. Over the years, I believe, they have tried to maintain some sort of professionalism and balance but that changed in 2004. During President Bush's first term in office it was hard for the press to find much real fault. He had led us out of a recession, placed some regulations on public companies cooking their books, helped us deal with the 911 attacks and started a successful campaign against the terrorist of the world. He was popular with the people and supported by even most of thr Democrats.

Then in 2004 Bush made a huge miscalculation. After defeating the Iraqi army the president thought the Iraqi people would embrace democracy, they didn't. Because of this mistake, Bush didn't have a plan to handle a country that was use to being governed with an iron fist by Saddam. Bush scrambled to secure the country.

During this time the press realized Bush was vulnerable. Then Abu Ghraib came to light. While the extremist were struggling for control of Iraq, the press found out that some of the suspected terrorist being held at Abu Ghraib prison had been miss treated. Now some may read this and wonder why I didn't use the word 'torture' here. I didn't on purpose. While I don't condone what was done at Abu Ghraib, it's nothing that doesn't happen in almost every prison, in every country, every day. It was still better treatment than Saddam would have given them and it happened at a time when the terrorist were taking innocent people hostage and cutting off their heads. That's no excuse for doing wrong but what happened at Abu Ghraib must be kept in perspective with what was going on in Iraq.

The press seized on this opportunity. They reported the story to world as if the US was running concentration camps in Iraq. It was a 24/7 news feast of how bad America is. They were more outraged over naked prisoners than innocent people being decapitated. The story was over reported in an effort to hurt Bush's image to the world and discredit our military's efforts in Iraq. It did but it also had many other side effects. The story fueled the terrorist and had to help them in their recruiting efforts. Because the story was blown so out of proportion, or made public at all, the President's hands became tied. Now a country full of people who were use to being governed by a heavy hand saw that the American people didn't have the stomach to deal with terrorist. The President had lost his ability to assure the Iraqi people he had the strength and might to secure their country. More chaos ensued.

The press saw how much this one story had effected people's opinions and realized two things. One they needed to expose more government and military secrets and missteps. Two, they could turn Iraq into their very own Vietnam. A blue print for shaping public opinion had already been drawn during that war. Now this generation of reporters could use it to push their liberal agenda.

When the 2004 Presidential elections were held, to the shock and dismay of the mainstream press, Bush was reelected. I believe it was at this point the press decided that no matter what it took they were going to get a Democrat elected in 2008.

They spent the next four years demonizing President Bush to America and the world. They exposed national security secrets in an effort to bring down the president. They printed and promoted every lie, conspiracy and accusation that surfaced. Facts and the country's best interest be damned. They made big plans to use the now unpopular war against any 2006 and 2008 Republican candidate. They wanted us to lose in Iraq to hurt Bush and the republican party. Only, the surge worked and Iraq started working. Immediately news about Iraq dried up. If Iraq couldn't be used to hurt the right it was off the table.

During the primaries the press heavily influenced the pick of both nominees. They highlighted the strong republicans candidates weaknesses and played down the weakness of the person they wanted to win. Mitt Romney -spotlight- he's a Mormon, might be a cult. Mike Huckabee -spotlight- he's too religious, may govern from the bible. Rudolf Giuliani -spotlight- has a lot of personal baggage, as does Newt Gingrich. Senator McCain, being a moderate was left alone. They even turned their backs on Hillary Clinton when they realized Obama was more liberal and a better story.

As soon as the primaries were over they turned the spotlight on the once ignored McCain. They focused on his age, his temper and his 90% voting record with President Bush. Even though McCain had been a thorn in Bush's side throughout his eight years in office, the press linked the two as if they were the same. This lie would hurt McCain through out the whole election process.

The skilled fund raisers, strategist, and advisers that helped Bush get elected were now off limits to McCain out of fear of proving the press right about a connection. Had he used someone like Carl Rove, the press would have pointed to it as more proof that McCain and Bush were in fact the same people. The press had effectively cut McCain off from the very people he need to get elected.

All Obama had to do was repeat the lie that voting for McCain was the same as giving Bush another four years, that's just what he did. That might have been enough in itself but combined with the lack reporting the press did on Obama's background and the election shouldn't have ever been close. Anyone who surfaced to threaten Obama was destroyed by the press. Obama never had to counter people like Sarah Palin or Joe the Plumber. The press did the dirty work so Obama could stay on a positive message. McCain on the other hand was forced to try and expose Obama's lack of experience and his questionable past associates. This made McCain come across as a mean spirited, negative person. He never had a chance. And sad to say, I don't think the American people nor the world had a fair chance to form an educated opinion with all the facts.

I could bombard you with lots of data supporting my theory but I won't. I'll just show the numbers that sum up what I'm talking about. These numbers come from independent sources.

Stories about Obama & Biden on the major networks:
65% positive / 35% negative

Stories about McCain & Palin on the major networks:
31% positive /69% negative

Anyone watching the major news outlets, other than Fox, would have concluded that it was better to vote for Obama than McCain. And they did.

I think the press has grabbed to much power during these last four years. They should not be able to decide who we elect. They should not want to influence public opinion about any situation. They are suppose to report the facts and let the public draw their own conclusions. Apparently they didn't trust the American people to make the right choice, their choice, in this past election.

If you think things are going to change anytime soon don't hold your breath. Now that the election is over several reporters and newspapers are admitting they favored Obama. Imagine that. I will leave you with this video clip. NBC's Chris Mathews, who is suppose to be a unbiased journalist, is being interviewed after the election. About halfway through the interview he states that, "I want to do everything I can to make this Presidency (Obama) work." because, "America needs a successful President." To which I have to wonder, "where were you the last eight years Chris?"

http://www.aim.org/aim-column/media-are-big-losers-in-election-2008/
http://www.washingtonmonthly.com/features/2004/0411.carter.html
http://journalism.org/node/13307
http://www.cmpa.com/media_room_press_10_30_08.htm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n6pq_Pwjwc0
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wpdyn/content/article/2008/11/07/AR2008110702895.html

Give credit where credit is due

Everyday we hear about another financial institution biting the dust. It's sad to see these big institutions go down and even sadder seeing all these people lose their jobs. What I can't understand is how people didn't see this coming.

Americans, in large numbers, have been living above their means for a long time. I myself have been guilty of doing this. While the trend may have started with wanting to have a cell phone, then the latest cell phone, it all to quickly became a pattern. A computer, then the latest and greatest computer, the habit soon turned into a hard addiction. DVD players, Flat panel TVs, led the way to new cars and then the addict took the biggest hit of all, they bought a house they couldn't afford.

We as a nation are obsessed with stuff. We have to have it and we have to have it now. While I hold the consumer responsible for the problem they placed themselves in, I also blame the financial institutions. They had to know. They had to see the amount of debt people were carrying but they kept on approving loans that would place people further in debt. Worse, bigger institutions gobbled up these bad loans to sure up their financial assets.

I liken the whole thing to a financial game of 'hot potato' but it was worse than that because they were playing with multiple potatoes. In other words they created or allowed so many problems that everyone playing had to know they would get caught, yet they played on.

So when will it end. Americans still want their stuff and the global economy depends on that to a degree. RVs, boats, jet ski's, motorcycles are not considered the property of the well off anymore. A vacation every year and a big Christmas are expected these days. Yet we clearly can't afford them. Hell, a lot of people can't afford the vacations they took last year and haven't paid for yet.

What scares me the most is that these financial institutions gambled people's saving, people's retirement money, MY RETIREMENT MONEY on something they had to know, or should have known, was a loser of a deal from the start.

Yes, they will pay. Many will lose their jobs and some (few) may go to jail but what about the people who trusted them to invest their money? What happens to the guy who saved his money, bought a house he could afford and took vacations only when he had the money to pay for them? The guy that got laughed at for not having a computer at all and carried a four year old cell phone on his hip. He will lose as well. Through no fault of his own he may owe more on his house than it's worth. His retirement fund may be wiped out. Sad.

People better change their ways now. The government has stepped into help but I wouldn't count on that for long. They are taking money from people who didn't over spend to help those who did. That can not go on for long. It's like giving yourself a transfusion with your own blood.

Credit can be dangerous thing. Especially when you give too much of it to people who aren't looking out for your best interest.

Frozen

I almost never go to the doctor unless it's an emergency. When you go under stress conditions, like a mangled finger or a machete chop to the leg, you get a different experience than going in for a check up.

Last week I went to a dermatologist to get a spot, that had suddenly appeared on my chest, looked at. I hadn't given the spot much thought until I sat down in the doctor's office next to a poster. The poster described the cancer melanoma, complete with pictures. The pictures looked exactly like the spot on my chest. Great, now I was worried.

The doctor, who thought he was some sort of comedian, gave it a quick look. He also checked other areas that were suspicious. His attempt at humor put me at ease about it being a serious situation. Like I said, I'm usually at the doctor for emergencies so I'm not in the habit of questioning what the doctor is doing. I now realize that asking questions is what your suppose to do at a check up. Live and learn right?

Without much fan fare he told me the spot would come and go and he would just go ahead and take care of it now. He rolled himself out of the room on his stool and rolled himself back in with a super sized cotton swab and a metal jug trailing behind him also on wheels. The jug had smoke coming out the top. He never said what he was going to do but it was easy to figure out that he was going to freeze the spot. This is where I should have asked a few questions, I didn't.

He took the frozen cotton swab and placed it to my chest. I sat quietly as he ground it into my skin. I never moved or mentioned how much it felt like he was sticking a dagger into my chest. Then he asked me to turn my head and he touched the cotton swab to a place on my face. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!!" I thought to myself as I sat motionless. Then he touched another spot near my eye. When he was done he told me to use some antibacterial ointment and band-aids as necessary. "Why the hell would I need a band-aid?" I said, again to myself, as I followed the doctor to his office as instructed.

As he filled out his paper work he told me that people with my complexion don't need to be in the sun, at all. I thought how ridicules a statement that was as I nodded my head at him in agreement. He then gave me a catalogue full of clothes to wear during the summer months. These clothes cover every square inch of skin. I'll never, ever, buy or wear something like that, I thought, as I thanked him for the book and stuck it in my pocket.

Then he handed me the bill and said, "that's it" with a smile on his face. I shook his hand and started to leave when, seemingly off the cuff, he said, "You shouldn't have anything to worry about. I think we got it in time." My mind shifted gears and I was trying to figure out what he meant by that. Got what in time? Worry about what? Is there more I need to know here? These are all the questions I didn't ask as I just turned and headed to the cashier. I was now more concerned than before I saw him.

A day later two spots, the size of an Eggo waffle, (ok not that big but any mark on your face feels 10 times bigger than it is) formed on the side of my face where the doctor had worked. It oozed liquid and turned black. It was like a black hole that sucked peoples' vision so strong they were powerless to look away, even when I caught them staring. Thank the Lord I wasn't planning to do anything important like a modeling photo session... or something.

So now I'm waiting for half my face to peel off so people will stop looking at me like I have something on my face, which I do. I'm left wondering why the doctor didn't tell me the whys and the whats of what he was doing. Worse, I can't figure out why I went to a doctor for answers and allowed myself to leave with more questions than I came with. I guess it's one of those things you get better at with practice. So the next time I go I'm going to ask more questions and this time I might even say them out loud.

Dag gum it!

There has always been a gumball machine where I work. You know the one, glass globe, you put a quarter in the slot, turn the knob and a couple of gum balls come out. I'm not sure who owned the one that's been at our place for years. All I know was someone came, refilled it and took the money. That was until this year. This year no one came to refill the machine so eventually it ran out. It's not that I chew a lot of gum but it was a nice way to get a sugar fix a few times a week.

After several months of no gum, a brand new, shiny candy machine showed up. Full to the top too. Oh did I lose a few quarters that day. Oh happy days are here again. Then I inquired from where did this shiny new machine full of glorious sugar come from? Seems my brother bought it on eBay. Interesting.

The next day I had a hankering for a piece of gum, waltzed right up to the gumball machine... but then a funny thing happened. Just before I plucked my quarter in the slot I kinda resented that it was going to my brother. I quickly shrugged the feeling off. I mean I never cared when a stranger got my quarter. Besides now there was gum and if there isn't, I know who to see.

Still, every time since, when I go to place my quarter in the slot, I get that same damn feeling. I really don't know why either. I don't care if he gets the money. Hell, I'd give it to him if he wanted it. Is it because he thought of the idea and I didn't? Am I jealous? I don't think I am. Maybe it just upset me that he didn't include me in his little venture when we've been partners in everything else concerning business. But, seriously it's a gumball machine, not a business. I really don't know why I get this stupid feeling.

I do know I don't like the feeling but I can't shake it completely. Every time I go to get some gum I get it again and quite frankly it's ruining my whole gum chewing experience. WTF?!

Old School

I don't like the hassle of getting my haircut but I absolutely love the barbershop I go to. It's small, plain and clean. Best of all, it's a real man's barbershop. That's not to say a woman couldn't get her haircut there, it just means she shouldn't expect the spa treatment.

It's one big open room. As soon as you walk in you better look around to see who's there because there is no waiting list. You just sit down and wait until it's your turn. No appointments necessary or even available. There is a TV in the corner and it's always tuned to ESPN or some type of hunting show. There are magazines as well, Sports Illustrated, Men's Health, Baseball Weekly to name a few. If you just want to stare at the wall there is something to see there as well. A couple of mounted deer heads, a mounted pheasant and a few trophy bass are hung amongst some pictures.

When it is your turn you sit in one of five barber chairs. They are all in a line with nothing separating them. One mirror fills the wall for all the chairs, one long counter as well. The barber won't try to chat you up. You can sit there quietly as the sound of clippers buzz around you. After he finishes cutting your hair he pulls out a straight razor and tidies things up. A little talcum powder and a brush off and it's all done. Ten minutes, ten dollars and a little faith restored that somethings don't have to change.

Push The Pigs Out of Bed

Politics frustrate me to no end. What should be a great system has turned into a power grab for personal benefit. Worse, the press loves the current system because it gives them hours and hours of problems to report about. I bet there are only a handful of politicians that are actually looking out for 'We the people'.

What frustrates me most is that 'We the people' could easily fix the system. We won't of course because most of us have bought into the two party system that basically makes it into an 'our team can beat your team' mentality. Great for the team leaders, not so great for those of us watching from the sidelines.

For what it's worth here are a few things I would change to insure a better government.

Term Limits: This, without a doubt, is the most important change that should be made. This would stop career politicians. This would stop power grabs. This would help curb corruption. Elected officials would get elected have a few years to do some good then fade back into the private sector or some other form of public service.

Equal Access: Every citizen should have the same access to an elected official as anyone else. That means no special meetings with lobbyist or special groups.

No Gifts: No paid for trips, no free dinners, no free airplane rides, no campaign contributions. No gifts at all.

Structured Campaigns: Set spending limits for each political race. Free and equal air-time on TV and radio. Equal amounts of newspaper ads. No outside groups campaigning for a candidate nationally.

No Party Power: Speaker of the House and Senate should be rotated between states every few months. Committee heads should be appointed the same way.

Equality for All: Elected officials have to abide by any and all laws the public is subject to. Like wise, their benefits should be equal to and no more than is available to the public. Social security and taxes not excluded.

Open Up the Field: I'm not sure how to accomplish this one but everyone would benefit from having more party choices than the two we have now.

I realize after all of these changes are implemented it would take a few years to close all the loopholes that pop up. I think it could work too. It couldn't be much worse than what we have now. I just don't understand how everyone can watch these pigs walking around on two legs and not be frustrated too.

The Tipping Point

Since I'm in an industry that is heavily affected by the high cost of fuel, I'm seeing a lot of long faces these days. Hard working people who have no choice but to pay the price and try to survive. Seeing how much damage these high prices have inflicted, I've been more than upset, but don't think everyone is. There are certain people who are giddy, yes giddy, about it and its effect on people. I'm talking about the hard core environmentalist, for them this is a dream come true. (Ironically people selling oil feel the same way.)

Now I'm not suggesting environmentalist are happy people are hurting, I don't think that, but they do see high energy prices as a positive step towards forcing conservation and the use of alternative forms of energy, that are better for the environment. While I admire those who want a cleaner planet, I have to wonder if the environmentalist have gotten too much of a good thing.

They predicted, correctly so, that when the cost of fossil fuels became too expensive people would start using less energy and turn to alternative cleaner sources. What they didn't count on was the tipping point. I believe that there is a tipping point in almost any situation. A point, that when surpassed, can create an undesired and unpredictable effect. We have passed that point. Yes, people are driving less, as well as looking at solar and wind power as real solutions but because the dramatic rise in energy prices they are also turning towards drilling in protected areas, more refineries and more nuclear plants. Clearly this was not what the environmentalist were hoping for. They have fought hard to keep these options off the energy menu for the past thirty years. Well not only are they back on the menu, they're about to be served.

Unfortunately, fossil fuels and nuclear energy are the only sources ready for prime time. While the masses may be willing and ready to make a change, the alternatives are just not there yet. Just because people want an alternative source of energy doesn't mean it's out there, at least not at the moment. Turning our attention 100% to producing these unknown alternatives is not guaranteed to produce anything. We have to have a plan until a solution is found.

What we should be doing is attacking the problem on two fronts. Implement established alternatives where they are productive, reward and promote conservation efforts and encourage the development of cleaner energy. At the same time we need to develop a realistic plan to use the resources we have here now to supply or energy needs . And for Pete's sake don't grow food to put in our fuel tanks while people are starving all over the world.

With the best of intentions the environmentalist have bound our hands too tight and pushed us in a direction that has no clear path. I honestly believe change is necessary, maybe vital, but forcing it on people before a realistic solution has been discovered is risky and seems to be tipping us in the wrong direction.

The best roads don't end in a 90 degree turn, they slowly curve and bank us in a new direction so that very little momentum is lost.

Hating the haters

As I've mentioned before, I do my best to stay off the political subjects because people get so passionate they can't see straight. Everybody is entitled to their opinion and if people want to voice it I have no problem with it. Yesterday Tony Snow, a conservative commentator, died of cancer. He left behind three children and a wife. I would think you wouldn't be human if you couldn't muster up a little sympathy for a man who dies at the age of 53.

well, I WOULD BE WRONG! A friend of mine sent me an email directing me to The Huffingting post. I knew the site was a hang-out for hardcore liberals. Even knowing the extremes on both sides of the political spectrum are very rarely rational, I was shocked at what I read.

The piece describing the Mr. Snow was about what I expected but some of the comments were horrible. Some that stuck out...

See ya, wouldn't want to be ya

Karma ! Thank You Jesus !!

I send my condolences to his family, but I'm happy he's gone.

Helms and Snow in one week, the world is a better place without both of these regressive forces. Sad but true.

There were more and there were some nice things said too but I can't understand people that take politics to this level. These type of people simply can't accept that people have opinions other than their own. They scream, "freedom of speech" then try to shout down those who disagree. They don't respect ELECTED officials they didn't vote for. They don't care about the 'will of the people', only their will and their beliefs. They preach tolerance and acceptance yet are the first to trample the rights of those who disagree with them. They don't have opponents they have sworn enemies.

I didn't know Tony Snow but I haven't heard a bad word said about him from people who did. If the people he went up against everyday found him to be a decent person, why would someone who never met him wish him death by cancer? Wish his family this loss?

Former senator Jesse Helms died recently too. I'm sure to the glee of many of these same people. While I disagreed with almost everything he stood for, I do realize he was from a different era. Sure it would be easy to apply today's standards to his career and label him as a bigot, homophobe, and much more but life is more complicated than that. If it were only so easy as to have people be all good or all bad. The real truth is very few people in the world are pure evil. Disagreeing with someone's positions does not make a person evil. Senator Helms was elected by the people, to do the will of the people and that's what he did. I didn't like it but apparently the people of his state did. He was their voice. I have to respect that. I also have to respect the office he held, as well as his service to his country. He didn't take up arms and shoot the people he disagreed with, no, he did it the democratic way, the right way, even if it was the wrong positions. Doesn't every free person have that right? Shouldn't they?

The world we live in is not so black and white that any of us can climb up on a soap box with absolute proof that what we believe is the the only truth. If that were the case there would be no argument to be had. If we are completely honest with ourselves, we would admit that we pick our positions based on our environment, upbringing, feelings, and a thousand other factors that have little to do with fact. Because for every fact I can throw at you to support my positions, you can throw a different one at me to support yours.

While I can respect and understand people filled with passion, enthusiasm and commitment, I can't understand it when it leaves no room for compassion, empathy and humanity. Seriously, being happy someone dies from cancer because you disagree with their politics? What's wrong with people? A man died, show some respect or at the very least keep you hateful comments to yourself. It's the LEAST you could do. Is that so hard? ... Apparently it is.