The Price of Happiness
I usually don't complain about my family to much but my sister is going through a divorce and it is really pissing me off. I would love to say that it's the husbands fault and he is a horrible guy but that would be a lie. He is probably one of the nicest guys I know. They have two young girls that will be affected by this, so the stakes are high.
The problem is my sister. She is such a control freak to the point that I think she needs professional help. Don't get me wrong she is very smart and totally career driven. She makes a boat load of money and she is exceptional at what she does but that is all she wants to do. She recently told me that she is only happy when she's at work.
She has been married for ten years and now says she only got married because she thought it was time and she never loved her husband. I'm sure he's real happy to realize the last ten years of his life has been a waste and a lie. He has spent the last four years catering to her every demand trying to keep peace in the family but it was never enough. They hadn't had sex in two years because she didn't want anyone to touch her. Again I'm sure his life has been hell. He was willing to put up with all of this to keep the family together but finally she said she wasn't happy feeling she owed her husband any obligations and they would be better off apart. He has no choice, as usual, in this decision.
Maybe I'm overreacting but I can't help but think this has something to do with the new modern woman. He makes good money but my sister makes more than twice what he does. It has always been apparent to me that she has felt above him because of this. She told me one time that she had kept him from buying a $100.0 worth of work clothes just because and the same week she spent thousands on her clothes. She said this with a grin on her face. She now says that it's not fair for the whole family if she isn't happy. So a divorce is the best thing for everybody. Huh? She refuses to go to marriage counseling to work on it. I asked her how she could look her girls in the face when she has put more effort towards her career than her family. She doesn't care. To hell with them if she's not happy.
Am I wrong here? Doesn't she have an obligation to try everything before giving up? Isn't a family more important than a job? Doesn't saying wedding vows obligate you to certain duties whether you like them or not? How many lives are we allowed to destroy to peruse our own happiness?
The sad part is I don't think this will help her find happiness at all. I think she will find loneliness, regret and emptiness. Then what?
6 comments:
She doesn't sound like a very nice person, but from the outside she soundsa bit like me. Although I wouldn't give up my family for a job. I don't think she is really doing this though, maybe she's using it as an excuse. She's not happy and she wants out.
I don't think counselling would help either, counselling would only help if she wanted it to. The B/F asked if I wanted to go, I don't think there would be any point because I had made up my mind. Its just prolonging the agony. I think women having careers and their own money has EVERYTHING to do with it, but it's not to blame, in the past women would put up with being unhappy because they had no choice. We do now. Men still used to walk out on women when they weren't happy, now women have the same choice thats all.
yeah I don't think her leaving her family will make her happy intially. but it's probably for the best in the future, it can't be a happy household the children must pick up on it. And seeing their dad belittled and treated the way he probably does, isn't good for them or him either.
Emily.
No I doubt she is like you at all. I hope not. Do you work 60+ hours a week by choice? When I say she needs Professional help I mean for herself. She can not function if things aren't the way she wants them. She admits she has a problem but doesn't want to fix it. She would rather push people away than try growing as a person. You left your B/F because either you grew apart or he wasn't giving you what you needed to be happy. She is leaving this marriage because she doesn't want to be obligated to make someone else happy. Had your B/F been your husband I think you would have owed him a trip to counseling. Wedding vows are a promise that should change your obligations.
I Have told her that I didn't want her to stay in a marriage she is not happy in but at some point in life she will have to face her kids and answer to them. I just want her to be able to say she tried. After that I can accept whatever. Someone once said " I've never heard anyone say they wished they had spent more time at work when they found out they were dying"
As far as the woman making more money thing I have some opinions on that subject. I think I will post something on it soon maybe tonight. But know this, I think modern women are equal to men.
I don't think your correct in attributing her actions to the "new modern woman" it sounds as though she has a pretty severe case of OCD, or some real self-esteem issues. Not all power driven women are that insensitive.
The whole situation sounds like it's been rough for him, and for the girls, and perhaps your sister has some seriously buried mental issues she's trying to work out, but at any rate if she's been this way towards her family for years divorce might be the best thing. Not for her, but for her husband and children to actually find love, live a life that doesn't involve emotional and mental abuse, and maybe even have a chance at happiness.
I agree that she has an obligation to try everything before giving up, but she doesn't feel that way, so your feelings on the matter are irrelevant. Your not in the marriage. I agree that a family is more important then a job, TO ME (and you, and an assload of other people), but it isn't to her, and by making her stay in the family you may be ultimately causing them more pain and grief.
The honest truth of the matter is that we are allowed to go through as many lives as we want too to achieve happiness. Our friends, family, children, co-workers, none of them matter in the scheme of your world unless you make them matter. It doesn't sound like she's capable of that. What you see as her destroying her husband and daughters lives might be a blessing to them in the end.
And if in the end she finds that she is lonely, empty, and regrets her decision, she will find another way to scratch that itch. From the sounds of it at someone else's expense again. Often this is what happens to people, and even though it's ten different kinds of sad there still isn't a damn thing you can do about it... Except go home and hug your family, and make sure that they know you love them every minute of every day.
Your right about the OCD except she says she has OCPD. I guess you both are right, I just didn't want to admit her getting her way was best for everyone. It just pisses me off that she didn't even try. I love my nieces and will also have answer to them one day. Did I do enough? I was also a groomsman at their wedding and feel an obligation because I stood there and agreed to support the marriage in good and bad times. It's all very sad.
I still think the "modern woman" theory is in play. I will post on that later.
I don't think she is getting her own way, she certainly hasn't 'won'. Noone has. She sounds like she has issues and making this choice probably won't help her as much as it will help them.. It will take time but it soudns liek they will be better off without her.
No i don't spend 60+ hours a day at work. :) i work to live, not live to work. I love what I do, but I also love my life and all the oppotunites I have yet to discover. I ove being around other people and partying and travelling and doing that with someone you love has to be the best feeling. No job in the world could challenge that, and you're right noone died saying they wish they'd spent more time at work. I doubt your sister really feels like that either.
Emily.
no, she does feel like that. She told me if she could put a bed at work she would be very happy.
The division she runs and started turned 8 million dollars in profit for her company this year. That's a lot of pats on the back. Apparently that's worth more than the family she started.
But I'm accepting it, I don't like it but I'm accepting it, damn it.
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