I'm baaaaack :)

Hellooo everybody out there in blog world.

I didn't mention the vacation because we were so busy with Christmas and I honestly wasn't excited about it.

My dad, who will turn 70 on his next birthday, wanted all his children and their families to be together for the holidays so he gave us a cruise for Christmas. My family, my brother, his wife and children (a 17 year old girl and 14 year old twin boys), my sister, her two girls (7 and 5), and my parents all went on a Disney cruise.

A strange mix of personalities but it worked and for the most part my dad got his moneys worth. The ship was fun, the Bahamas was amazing and the fact that Disney has their own island now is incredible.

The cruise was another reason why it sucked for the wife (and me) to get sick right before Christmas. In the end it didn't affect us to much and we had a good time. I'll post a few pictures for now. I'll blog anything noteworthy later.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!

2008

Closed

This blog is closed due to a much needed vacation.

WE ARE GOING ON SEA CRUISE!

A Disney Cruise to be exact.

This blog will return to it's irregularly scheduled post New Years Eve.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

20 30 SOMETHING!!!!

Welcome to my decade...

Welcome to your thirties!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!!!!!

Christmas is a magical time when

we can think about what could be instead of what is.

-Frank

(Jessica Fletcher's dead husband- Murder She Wrote)

So here's to peace on earth and good will to all!!!

Merry fn' Christmas

First of all let me start by saying "I'm sorry" to the Spirit of Christmas for calling Chicken Dance Elmo a bastard.

For anyone who came to my blog today expecting a Merry Christmas post don't worry, I have one. I was all set to post it but Christmas Eve was so fn' shitty I thought I would wait in an effort to keep from jinxing Christmas.

It started yesterday. We went to my sister-in-law's house to exchange gifts. It went well except for the blackberry wine, yuck. On the way home the wife mentioned she wasn't feeling well. By night fall she was throwing up, fever, the works. She went to bed early as I made my plans for the next day.

I woke up to the kids playing down stairs. The wife was to ill to get out of bed. I was suppose to leave early to run some errands but I had to scrap those plans as the kids needed to be fed, right? As I made breakfast I noticed the kitchen was a mess and so was the rest of the house. I guess the wife was planning to clean it this morning. Oh well, I can do it. As I cleaned, I started thinking of all the other things the wife hadn't done and my stuff I wasn't getting done. I hate to admit it but I started getting mad at the wife.

She hadn't wrapped most of the gifts, cleaned the house among other things. The more I did the madder I got. Why did she wait to the last minute??? I showed her a bit of attitude too. I still got her what she needed but not with a smile or in a caring way. By lunch she asked my dad to take her to the doctor, I fed the kids lunch.

When she returned home she informed me she had strep throat. It was so severe the doctor suggested she go check herself into the hospital. Her throat was almost swollen shut. So once again I'm the jerk that let my inflexible ass get frustrated that I wasn't able to keep to my list. And of course I apologized, as usual, again.

Then my dad had a gift he wanted me to put together for the kids. You know one of those 10,000 parts item with all the parts marked AA, B7 and such. Oh, and it weighted 200 lbs. Another three hours and my back... gone.

After I made dinner and changed a few diapers it was up stairs to wrap gifts. Not the best thing to do with a wore out back. When I finished I started putting all the presents into their respective piles, then I noticed one last unwrapped gift. You bastard! I sat back down, pulled the wrapping paper back out and went to work. As I sat looking down at Chicken Dance Elmo I felt a little tickle in my throat. Great, looks like the wife gave me an early Christmas gift. Perfect, now that every things already done.


Merry fn' Christmas

A Holiday Wish

In honor of the holiday season, I wanted to share a Christmas wish with you. I don't think I could express it any better than the brilliant Steve Martin did in the following clip.

Because after all, it is about the children.

Anybody else have a holiday wish?


'A Holiday Wish', by Steve Martin

Another "Living with a stranger moment"

I'm soaking in the tub and the wife walks in. Apparently there is some new show on TV called "Clash of the Choirs". I shit you not! Anyway, she walks in and starts telling me about who's on the show. She tells me this with enthusiasm. Blah, blah , blah is all I heard because, one I couldn't give shit and two I didn't know one person she mentioned except Patti LaBelle.

So she went on and on as I just looked at her wondering "who the hell is this person in front of me talking about choir music?" Never once in all these years has the word "choir music" come out of her mouth, as far as I know. But, never the less, it was her saying it. At least it looked and sounded like her.

After a few minutes, "blah, blah, who do you think will win?" I honestly didn't listen to a word she said because I was still WWTF (wondering where the fuck) this was coming from? So I just said, "Patti LaBelle?" To which she said " Duh!" smiled and with that she spun around and left the room. Assuming it was her in the first place.

Clash of the Choirs? Really????????

Who are these people we live with?

To Tell The Truth

I had lunch with my best friend Tuesday. As I have mentioned I'm struggling with the person who has emerged after announcing he is gay.

He showed up to my office for lunch, late. I immediately could tell he was as high on something. More than likely some prescription medication, not prescribed to him. So it didn't start off well. I was irritated and in hindsight should have bailed on lunch then and there. I didn't because I knew he needed to talk to someone about his boyfriend situation.

His boyfriend, who is about twenty one, over twenty years younger than my friend, moved with his family about two thousand miles away. They broke up when he moved. For the last few months my friend has threatened to date other men but has yet to do so. As we entered the restaurant he told me he loved his boyfriend and wanted to fly out to see him to work something out.

He kept comparing his relationship to mine. That got old fast for many reasons. By the time we sat down to eat I decided to lay it all on the table. I asked if he wanted the truth? He said of course. I started by telling him that he had some serious questions to answer BEFORE running off to meet this guy.

Like why did his boyfriend go in the first place? He's an adult he could have stayed if he wanted too.

Why did he wait until the week before he left to tell you? Doesn't that say something?

What do you plan to accomplish by flying out there? Just seeing him won't fix anything.

Are you willing to support him? How?

Do you have the same goals in life as him? What are they?

If you move up there and he hasn't come out to his parents how will that work? Will it work?

Is his 21 year old boyfriend ready for a long term adult relationship?

His only answer to all these questions was that he loves him. To which I told him that in a long term relationship love is not enough.

Then he cried. Yes, tears rolling down the face, sobbing, the whole works. I felt bad for him but not because of the situation. To be honest I was more mad than anything. Here I sat across from my best friend, who had a privileged upbringing, is intelligent, has many high level skills, a great family and many friends and all I could think about was the mess he had made of his life. He lives with his parents, has no job and is high as a kite, crying in a public restaurant about a guy he can't have, all at the age of 45.

Maybe I'm a cold hearted person but DAMN! Help yourself before you go dragging someone down with you. First, get off the Fn' drugs. Second, get a job and support yourself. Then date someone that can handle the type relationship you want. That's probably not with a twenty one year old guy who just graduated college and hasn't come out to his family that he's gay.

I was embarrassed, upset and pissed. I didn't care that people where staring at us. He was out of control. I was mad that I hadn't been a good enough friend and let things get this far without saying anything. As high as he was at the time I didn't see the point of talking to him then but I'm thinking of writing him a letter telling him what I think. I'm not sure.

I am sure it was absolutely one of the wost lunches I have ever had.

Santa meets the kids

Below are pictures I found of my son and his best friend when they were five. My son is the one on the left. These pictures were taken about a month before the cancer was discovered the first time. At the time of these pictures the cancer was already wrapped around two of his friend's organs and nobody knew it. Scary isn't it?

Say a prayer if you have a moment.

My son's best friend had cancer two years ago.

He was only five years old at the time and went through hell to have it eradicated from his tiny little body. It's been a year since he stopped taking chemo and life has been good. His family and him moved away a few months ago to Florida, his hair has grown back and he has started attending school with the rest of the children his age.

Well we learned this week his cancer is back. He only had a 50% survival rate after he was pronounce clean. I don't know what his chances are after a recurrence. To say I'm upset is an understatement but I'm pissed as well. How much does one little boy have to endure? Why?Why? Why?

The parents of his best friend have requested our son be allowed to spend as much time as possible with their son. There seems to be a bond between them, and frankly his whole family I can't quite understand. The whole seven member family seems to be captivated with my son. With a lot of guilt I must admit I am hesitant about this. Of course I'll let him do whatever will help their son but I have to worry how it will affect mine.

Is seven years old to soon to deal with death? Will it change him? Can he handle it? I don't know but what choice do we have? No matter what my questions are they are no match for the problems this family is going through. So graciously I will let them have my son as much as needed because selfishly I'm relieved it's not him.

I'm not playing around

With Christmas Quickly approaching one of my biggest gripes and irritations will once again be brought front and center. It's not the thought of putting on a few holiday pounds or not having that perfect gift for someone but the thought of more toys.

Yes, I said toys. Our dirty little secret is out. Santa, please forgive me but we have too many damn toys at our house. THEY say the first step in solving a problem is admitting you have one in the first place. Well we have a whopper of a toy problem. Only I should Mctoy problem because even the little happy meal toys are piling up. Gah!

I admit the wife and I started the problem. When we had our first we went overboard with stuff. At age Seven our son is just now old enough to play with things we bought him when he was three. Rookie mistake on our part but in our defense we were rookies at the time.

I honestly thought it would even out. Our second was a boy, so all the toys would still work for him. Good plan, bad execution. Even though he had PLENTY of toys to play with the urge to buy more, so he could have something to open on his birthday and Christmas, got the best of us. Arggg!

Then my little girl was born. So that means all new girl toys. We just ignore the fact that she plays with the cars, tanks and toy guns and buy her dolls, tea sets and anything pink. Bah!

Over the years we have tried to cut back and we have... to a degree. But, there are still grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends that contribute. We tell them to buy clothes for the kids but just like us they go for the big exciting make them love you gifts (TOYS) not the more practical, useful, and in the end much more used clothing gifts (BORING).

So now with Christmas at the gate I looked in their play room only to see mountains of old toys everywhere. Many a weekends I have made the resolve to go in there and throw out the broken, old, unused toys, only to find one of them playing with the dump truck missing two wheels and a door. How sweet is that? Grrrr! So I never throw any out because I can make a case for all the toys to stay. Plus I always remember the Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer movie and the land of misfit toys. How pathetic am I?

But no more! Before the happy, red suited, fat man comes down our chimney I plan to resolve this situation. There's a new sheriff in town (ok, it's still just me) and he hates old, worn out, unused toys. He plans on getting tough and taking action. So watch out toys, you're going down this time and believe me... I'm not playing.

Yesterday

I saw you yesterday...

I was walking to my car and I spotted you out of the corner of my eye. At least it's the you I imagine now... You were crossing the street with some sort of purpose. You seemed like you were walking in slow motion and yet you were gone in the blink of an eye.

Of course it wasn't you... how could it be?

Because...

Had it been you... all my troubles would have vanished in an instant.

Had it been you... I would still be living in my rosy world with all the truths neatly tucked into dark corners.

Had it been you... guilt and regret would still be words I only thought I understood

Had it been you... the shadow that covers my soul would have lifted and the light would have flooded in.

No, it wasn't you but what if it had been? What if...

He ain't heavy - he's my brother

In the past I've blogged about my younger sister. She is outgoing, ambitious and career driven. My older brother on the other hand is exactly, 100% the opposite. Yes, it made for some very interesting times growing up.

My brother is a very misunderstood person. The best way to describe him is as introverted, only he's not. Most people think he's shy but he's not that either. A lot of people that meet him thinks he's rude because he doesn't speak to them much if at all. In fact he can down right ignore someone standing in front of him talking to him. Others that meet him want try to force him to interact with them. They turn on the charm to "bring him out". That doesn't work with him, as they soon find out.

I've been telling people, including my parents, for years that they have him all wrong. I honestly think he has a phobia of people. It's not that he doesn't like people or want to interact with them but the act of actually doing it scares him, in much the same way someone scared of heights would react to a high ledge. It's very painful for him and out of his control. Nobody seems to get this.

He's a smart guy with a high IQ and a photographic memory but has been unable capitalize on his intelligence because of his lack of people skills. Sadly, because of all this, I have moved past him on our company ladder for the simple fact of my people skills or his lack there of. Amazingly, we get along well. He understands why I have the position I do and while it may make him wish he could conquer his phobia he doesn't blame me. I have no desire to flaunt or use my position to harm, damage or embarrassed him in anyway. I see him as an equal that just happens to have a different job than myself.

I am constantly bombarded with complaints by the people who have to deal with him. I've long since stopped trying to explain him. People want to take things personal and they will no matter what you say. I think they would be surprised to hear that my brother and me talk all the time. When we do he hardly shuts up.

The wife is under the impression that he's lazy and lets me do too much of the work. That he's selfish and doesn't do enough with our family and our kids, his niece and nephews. This is a view shared by the rest of my family and friends as well. I've tried to tell the wife she has him all wrong but like the rest, she won't listen.

Well the wife has been trying to find the boys a Wii for a Christmas gift. They are always sold out and they say it won't be easy to find them through the holidays. We have spent a lot of frustrating weekends looking for one. Then Saturday my brother called me and said he found one. Not only did he locate it but went ahead and purchased it just to make sure we would get it. The wife and my parents were blown away by his gesture. They couldn't believe he even knew we wanted one and that he had been looking for one for us without telling anyone. I, on the other hand, wasn't surprised at all because I know that is the type person he is. I also wasn't surprised that he didn't want a big deal made of his gesture.

If people would stop judging him for failing to act the way they deem is correct and accept him for who he is, they will start to see a man who's action speak far louder than his words. They would see a man who is in pain because he doesn't know how to fit in. They would see a good husband. They would see a good father. If they look hard enough they would see what I've always seen, they would see my brother.

Now for something serious... just joking

As many people may know, I'm from the state of Georgia. It's not a law here but it's an unwritten rule that you have to pull for the Georgia Bulldog college football team. So I do and they do us proud more times than not.

This year they are doing fantastic. Ranked number 4 in the nation going into this past weekend. With this being the last week of regular season football all it would have taken was for the top two teams to lose. Impossible, I was told. I agreed too... then it happened.

Shock would not begin to discribe my feelings, as well as the rest of football loving fans all over the country. So natuarly one would assume that with number 1 and number 2 teams losing, the number 3 and number 4 (Georgia, yeah) teams would move to the top spots and play for the NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP. I shit you not, Georgia was right there.

But fate is a cruel ass BITCH! Not only did Georgia not move to the number 2 spot they moved DOWN to the number 5 spot. I could go into all the reasons this is wrong, and it is wrong but I won't. Lets just say the people who rank these teams are a bunch of &%$#*&@ asses (insert any and every insult you can hurl here).

Needless to say I'm mad >:(

Someone stop me!

I'm only doing it because you keep asking me :)

Yet, another

I'm posting this before I watch it, so forgive me if things go bad.

Lou seems to be enjoying this as much as I am so I put her in it as well. I hope the picture I pinched off her blog is actually her. :|

Another

Star in Your Own JibJab! It's Free!

Sorry, I couldn't stop myself

My kind of funny!

Fate my butt!

Yesterday I saw a fellow worker eating a chocolate covered cookie. It looked good but I didn't give it much thought. Ok, a little more thought than I would like to admit but I NEVER went looking for the source of that cookie.

This morning, as I was getting my morning coffee, I noticed a nice tin of cookies sitting on a table. It wasn't there yesterday. So without even trying I found the source of the chocolate covered delights. Well I figured it was fate and who am I to try and trip up fate? I walked right over and took not one but two of the cookies, one dark chocolate, one white.

Just as I was taking my first bite a fellow worker walked in. She gave me a funny glance.

Fellow worker: Are you seriously going to eating that?

Me: *bite* sure am *smile*

FW: I tried to get them to throw them out yesterday

Me: *chewing slowly* what's that?

FW: Those cookies are two years old.

Me: *mouth freezes* Seriously? ... but just opened, right?

FW: No, they've been open for two years *smile*

Me: *swallow* shit

I'm not feeling great right now. Maybe it's some lingering side effects from the virus I'm getting over, maybe it is the cookie or maybe it's just fate's way of laughing at me... again. grrrrr.

More Ranting

A virus is moving through our house. After weeks of waiting on the wife hand and foot due to an operation she had I finally had a chance to have the tables turned.

The kids, one by one, have been coming down with a stomach virus. While this is not an unusual event with kids, the amount of vomit, throw-up, regurgitation or up-chuck (for lack of a more tactful way of putting it) has been excessive. Lets just say the carpets needed a good cleaning anyway.

Sunday was our oldest son's turn to have it. He climbed into bed with us after he flooded his, very gross. He slept all over me and I didn't get much, if any, sleep. I got up with a headache and a fever and a queasy stomach and for the first time this year (as far as I can remember) I called in to work sick.

The wife was great and did a good job of bringing me medicine and what little I needed, at first. As the day went on I realized that the thought of me being actually sick wasn't sinking in with everybody. My office called 15 times. The wife brought me the phone and woke me up the first five times it rang then she just left it with me because she was to busy to answer it. I had to call on two customers and make a bid on some equipment from my bed.

Later in the day the wife asked me to take out the trash, help her clean the kids rooms from all the sickness and even watch two of the kids while she picked the other one up from school because, get this, it would be easier on her.

I don't get these people. When they're sick I leave them alone so they can get some rest. Today I felt slightly better but I was dragging ass because I didn't get any rest yesterday. I did go to work though because, well, what would be the point of staying home? Seriously WTF people?!!!

Every year the wife adds something to our Christmas decorations. Usually I don't give it to much thought, except for having to put it together or hang it up. This year she added the nice little welcome sign you see below.

I know it looks cute and harmless but it's not. In fact I HATE IT!!! ... Why you may ask? Go on and push the play button, go ahead it can't hurt you.

Doesn't seem to bad does it? Let me fill you in. It's hanging on the garage door. The door we use to enter the house and more importantly the door that is in my garage. So what, your thinking? Well here's your big "so what". THE DUMB THING IS MOTION ACTIVATED! Yep, enter the house you hear it. (push play) you walk around the garage you hear it (push play again) You try your best sneaky ninja move to not set it off, you hear it. (play it again Sam) Even camouflage is no match for this thing. (push play, play, play... )

The wife thinks its the greatest thing ever made because it irritates me to no end. It's quickly driving me insane. I can't even go out in the garage and pretend to be doing something because the thing goes off every step I take. Something tells me this wreath isn't going to make it to Christmas.

How many more days? *sigh* Push play... :(

Lets get started

This is how I spent most of my four day weekend. Don't you just love the Christmas season? Yeah, me too... but not this much.

Before

After

Happy Thanksgiving

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!

Today is a day to eat too much, visit with family and friends and generally take it easy.

(except for all those hard working, wonderful people doing the cooking. keep the food comin' we love it!)

Most of all, today is a day to stop, look around and count our blessings because they are many. Today is a day to realize that the small irritations of life are not devastating or even important in bigger scheme of things. Today is a day to look at the glass half full and be happy that we have room for more to be added. Today is as good a day as any to commit to improving the things we don't like about our world and promoting the things we do. Today is a great day to eat some scrumptious turkey. Today is the perfect day to just say thanks.

THANKS!!!

He got me again

Well he did it again. Leonard Pitts, the columnist who is on the opposite side of almost every issue as I am, has written another brilliant column that has me thinking yet again. And about Hillary Clinton no less. No fair!

John McCain who is running for president was asked, ''how do we beat the bitch?" the lady that was asking the question was referring to Hillary. I thought the question was in poor taste but not much else. Well Mr. Pitts gave me a whole new perspective on the situation, damn it.

If not jail... hell would be even better

This is the kind of stuff that I can't understand and it makes me want to hurt someone. Last year a 13 year old girl committed suicide because of a prank that was played on her Myspace page. Apparently she was a troubled girl that had been fighting depression but was working through it.

She started receiving messages from a guy named "Josh" on her Myspace page. Over a six week period they became friends. Then "Josh" turned on Megan and started leaving mean messages. According to Megan's dad the last message "Josh" sent read as follows.

"Everybody in O'Fallon knows how you are. You are a bad person and everybody hates you. Have a shitty rest of your life. The world would be a better place without you." ...

It was the last message Megan would ever read. She hung herself in her room a few minutes later. It's a tragic story but that's not the part that pisses me off. After looking into the situation the police discovered that "Josh" never existed and that he was in fact created by a family in Megan's neighborhood. Worse the parents of a friend Megan had a falling out with were involved in the prank.

As if all that wasn't bad enough, these people have not broken any laws and can't be charged with anything. Stories like these give "Justice is blind" a whole new meaning and they make me sick.

http://www.foxnews.com/video2/player06.html?111407/111407_an_buckles2&Americas_Newsroom&Online%2520Bullies&Online%2520Bullies&US&-1&News&316.182&&&new

Happy Birthday Lindsay!!!

I hope you have a special day that last the whole year long!

Best wishes on this your special day.

When I started this blog

It's been one year since I started this blog...

When I started this blog, to be honest, I thought if I made it a year I would be thrilled and I am. It's a harder task than I first realized. I have a lot of admiration for those who have accomplished this feat. I would suspect the average life of a blog is very short. It seems most people start out with great enthusiasm only to realize keeping a regular blog can be a bit of a chore when life gets busy or dull.

When I started this blog it was with the intention to vent my frustrations. My way of saying FUCK YOU to the world without having to care what someone thought but I quickly learned that's not the type person I am. Even in the anonymous world of Blogger I couldn't shrug off my feelings, concerns and wonderment for life and my fellow man.

When I started this blog I promised myself I would stick to certain rules. It wasn't easy but I think I've managed to keep my promise. I promised I would be honest, that I would write what I wanted, not what I think others wanted to hear. I wanted my blog to be for me, about me and reflect the person I am. I'm fairly satisfied with the outcome.

When I started this blog I had low expectations. I had read some fantastic blogs that weren't being read by anyone or very few. I knew I could never write anything that would equal these peoples efforts. To this day I can't understand why my blog gets any attention while these amazing blogs go almost unnoticed.

When I started this blog I never dreamed anyone would actually read it. Having people read and comment on my blog added an amazing aspect to blogging that I could never have imagined. Being a person who has always had a hard time expressing myself in literary form or any form as far as that goes, I have to admit the thought of people actually reading something I wrote was and is a bit scary. I've been surprised and overwhelmed at times by peoples interest, kindness and concerns regarding aspects of my thoughts and life.

When I started this blog, because I never thought I would get even a single comment, I never considered how hard it would be to communicate with people in this medium. I have to admit I have struggled at times to read people and understand their attitude towards me and my thoughts. It can be a bit of a head trip at times. Over the past year I have even questioned my ability and worthiness to blog as well as my qualifications as a commenter. Insecurity on my part? Maybe, but I've come to understand that is part of who I am as well.

When I started this blog I never dreamed it would spill over into my everyday life. That I would have conversations with the wife and friends about what bloggers thought, said and did. I never thought that I would consider my fellow bloggers opinions when I did something or that I would look forward to telling them about something that had happened. I absolutely could have never conceived that people I didn't know and had never met would help me work through problems that people in my life couldn't or wouldn't do.

When I started this blog a year ago I was in a much different place in my life. I have moved on from that place and life is better because I did. I can't help but feel that this blog and all those who participated on it helped me do that. So thanks to everybody for the wonderful experience, that I never expected, when I started this blog.

A hard hitting Lesson

I remember growing up hearing, more than once, this is going to hurt me more than it does you. It didn't take long after becoming a parent to realize what it meant. The first time my son got a shot I experienced the feeling.

Well last weekend I got to experience this in a whole new way. A customer of mine asked me to play paintball with him, his sons and some friends. Being the anti-social person I am, I turned him down until I realized he wasn't going to stop asking.

I thought my seven year old was a little young but my customer said bring him. He was very excited about playing. He loves anything army so this was right up his alley. It was an all day event and we had a blast but my son learned a lesson the hard way.

One of the games we played was called speed ball. Each team gets on either side of a field. The object is to move from obstacle to obstacle until you can get the flag and get back to the beginning without getting shot. At the beginning of the game I told my son to stay with me and we would provide the cover fire for whoever went for the flag.

So the game begins and we're popping off paint balls when I notice my son in the middle of the field grabbing the flag. I yell for our team to cover him and he makes it back without getting hit. Of course everyone is patting him on the back and congratulating him. I knew this was going to be a problem.

When we played later I told him not to do it again. I told him he got lucky but he wouldn't the next time. I told him to stay by my side. I knew he wouldn't. I knew the praise he received for getting that flag was a high he couldn't resist. I almost made him sit out the game but realized he needed to figure it out for himself.

So the game starts and sure enough my son goes for the flag. Surprisingly he makes it to it and picks it up but that was all. As he turned around a guy locked in on him and shot. The guns we were using shoot 30 balls a second with enough force to cover a football field. By the time my son thew his hands up to signal he had been hit five balls had hit him in the back and legs. Yes he cried. Yes he immediately had five bruises and YES I felt like shit for letting it happen.

The next game he stayed right by my side. He even said he was hit when I got hit, even though he wasn't. So he learned his lesson and it didn't take long for the same bruises that made him cry to become badges of courage. The bruises soon faded but I know he won't forget what he learned and I won't forget how much it hurt because it did. Just like they say, me more than him.

Having Second Thoughts...

After the input on my last post I decided to give the situation with my best friend some more contemplation. I'm anxious to get to the bottom of this problem because I have always thought of myself as a person who can see both sides of any situation.

Many had suggested that my upbringing had led to a conditioning that didn't allow me to accept my friends sexuality even though I was willing to tolerate it. I would have probably disagreed with this assessment but examples were given and a strong case was made. In the end I have no choice but to admit they are right. I can only vow to work harder for true acceptance of people's choices that are different than mine.

But there still was the other side of the problem. Was everything just me not being able to accept my friend being gay or did some of the problem have to do with the person and not his sexuality? Again, the comments from the last post were helpful and eye opening. I now see that not be accepting of ALL his actions is not the same as condemning his sexual choice. I can't say I agree with any of my friends 100% on all things, so why would I expect to with him?

Another good point that was brought up was that my friend is in a different place compared to me regarding relationships, any and all relationship are new to him. When I look at it in that light I can see a lot of what he is doing bothers me because he's being immature about it, not because he's gay. He's acting the way I would have acted in my teens. It's uncomfortable to watch and listen to a 46 year old man go through the awkward part of learning about relationships. I'll have to make a point to keep that in mind when I'm with him.

I think all the comments were great and could help me deal with this situation better but there is still one aspect of this situation I haven't wanted to address. What if it's him? What if to this point he hadn't had to reveal a part of his character that is flawed beyond my ability to accept it? Or what if some darker fears I have, but have refused to acknowledge, are the root of my problem with him?

After much consideration I think it's a combination of the two. I remember a comment he made the weekend the wife went to Disney World and we had spent some time together. We were talking about my cousin's son. My best friend asked how old he was now? I said "about 21" and he said "oh, that's my boyfriend's age." There was a little smirk on his face. Before I could stop myself I yelled, "that's sick!" He quickly shot back "me and my boyfriend aren't sick!" I said "I'm not talking about being gay, I'm talking about comparing my cousin's son, who I watched grow up, with your boyfriend." "That's what's sick!" there was a long moment of silence after that. At that moment I realized how young the guy he is dating really is. It bothers me.

My dark secret is that I am uncomfortable with him around my two boys. I honestly don't think it's because he's gay. I don't think gay people are pedophiles anymore than I do heterosexuals but he does have a preference for young lovers. Now that I think about it he has only dated very young guys that look even younger than their age. I have to say that I have my guard up when he is around my boys. That may be a hang up I have but it is based on some evidence. Since I am responsible for the well being of my children I can not take a chance. That would be irresponsible in my opinion.

So I have come to the conclusions that I'm not the open person I thought I was but can work on that. My best friend needs more leeway when it comes to his relationships because it's all still new to him. And I have to give some serious consideration to whether or not I can be close friends with someone I don't trust around my children. I guess I have some more thinking to do.

It Bothers Me

I've come to the conclusion that my friend is a homosexual

..and it bothers me that it bothers me.

- Eugene's Journal

This was a line from the movie Biloxi Blues that I happen to catch playing on TV a few weeks ago. I always thought it was a good movie and it leaves little doubt that Matthew Broderick has the ability to deliver lines in a way few others actors have the talent to do. The movie has a lot of funny and moving lines but the above mentioned line stayed with me and I can't seem to let it go. It's no secret to me why it keeps bumping around in my head, the problem, how do I rectify it?

A few years ago my best friend of 30 years announced he was gay. It was no surprise to anyone who knew him, as a matter of fact, I was the one that opened the door for him to come out through.

He has always fought the thought of being gay. It ruined and tormented him for most of his life. I honestly believe his alcohol and prescription drug dependency is a direct result of his struggles. After he spent a month in the hospital for complications due to alcoholism, where he almost died, I had lunch with him.

At lunch I told him that he needed to face his demons and start living HIS life no matter what others thought. I told him I was scared that when his parents died he would be alone since he had never been in a relationship. I told him he needed to find someone, no matter who it was because at the end of the day ME and the rest of his family and friends weren't going to keep him warm at night.

With in the next year he announced he was gay and started dating. He seemed happy and I was happy for him but something had changed. Now when we go to lunch he talks about his boyfriend and their relationship. I find myself wondering who is listening and what they must think. When business associates see us out to lunch do they think I'm up to something? Do they think I'm with him?I know I shouldn't care and I am honestly happy to see him with someone but I don't need the details. I know that's wrong because I listen to my other friends talk about their relationships and never feel that way but I can't shake that uneasy feeling.

To make things worse my best friend, who is in his mid-forties, is seriously dating a 20 year old man who is not out to his family. Legal yes, but barely. I don't think he's been honest about his age with this guy either. Further more when things are going bad in the relationship he falls off the wagon.

All the things I thought would be FIXED by him being honest about his sexuality hasn't been and worse I am seeing a side of him I haven't had a chance to see in the 30 years I've known him and I can't say I like it. Quite frankly I'm bothered by the whole situation and it bothers me that it bothers me.

Halloween pics as promised

Happy Halloween!!!