Getting too comfortable
My first post of the new year might also be my most serious. Time will tell.
After the wife realized I had a secret blog I got more comfortable talking about things written on it and commented on it. She seemed interested in the topics but not the actual blog. I actually started checking my blog in the kitchen while she was around.
As I have said before, if the wife wanted to see my blog I would show it to her. I don't think she would try to read it behind my back. We do have a family blog I keep that she does read. It's mostly for our out of town friends to keep up with us. I usually make all the post. Well the day I posted "Merry fn' Christmas" I was in the kitchen while she was cooking. I clicked to close my browser and left the kitchen.
Apparently the browser didn't close and it left my blog up. The wife saw it and thought it was a new post for our family blog and sat down and read it. She only read the one post. I was in the next room and saw her walk by crying on the way to our bedroom. When I arrived in our room she was on the bed crying asking, "is that what you think of me?" She claims what I wrote was horrible and mean and made her look like a terrible person.
I reminded her that everything I wrote I had told her to her face. That I was upset but realized it was my problem not hers. I also told her that was how I saw the situation and felt about it at the time. She didn't get it. She asked me not to write about her anymore. I explained that wasn't very realistic.
So here is my question. Did I show my wife disrespect in that post? Let's go further, have I disrespected my wife on any post. Does anyone feel that my blog paints my wife in a bad way? I need some real honesty here because I want to know.
15 comments:
I think it's a man thing, ( that's what the wife says). I reread the F'n christmas post, and I can see where your wife's view is coming from, she was terribly sick and you were saying you were getting mad at her because of the undone cleaning and wrapping. What can you do?
You were being truthful to your blog but it was understandably hurtful to your wife. One of the reasons I closed down my blog is that I knew that I could have had a million serious and hilarious posts
about the daily grind with the wife but I chose not to say much at all about her. If I had written a lot about her I feared that people would get the wrong idea, (that she was a monster from hell, she is nowhere near that, but if I wrote the truthful things that would be happening on a regular basis, it's not all honey and roses.
My wife was free to read my blog and did though I knew I was limited in what I was writing because I knew shit would hit the fan if I said too much about her.
I think a blog should be totally between you and your readers, you hid yours from your wife at the beginning didn't you?
Did you disrespect your wife in that post? I think so, but I also think you showed yourself in a worse way, she was sick and you were angry at her. Sounded a little harsh to me.
To blog it all or not, that is the question.
I'm not sure that I am qualified to comment on this matter, given the picutre of MSU that I paint on a regular basis. Am I disrespecting MSU? No, of course not. Not any more than you are disrespecting your wife.
There is no disrespect in honesty. You are entitled to your feelings, even if they are not pretty, or generous, or if they seems harsh to an outsider. If you were telling a bunch of lies about her to make yourself look good, THAT would be disrespectful (and pretty scummy). If you were telling a bunch of lies to make her look GOOD, then you would be disrespectful to yourself. The whole purpose of blogging - in my humble opinion - is a form of interactive journaling. And NO ONE learns from journaling if they are not completely honest while doing it.
The image I have of your wife - based solely upon your posting - is that of a devoted mother and loving person who is quite comfortable allowing her man to take care of her. We are all a bit selfish at times. We are all a bit confusing at times. We are all guilty of doing things that mystify our partners. None of these things reflect badly upon her, and to tell the truth, the way you relate them - even in your frustration - makes me feel better about being a real, live, human woman as well.
I reread your post, and HB's post too, and my thought on the situation is this: it's easier to vent to your blog then to end up in a confrontation with your spouse.
We know that you didn't marry a monster, if you had you probably wouldn't still be married.
As HB said: "it's not all honey and roses" and it isn't but all of your readers know that.
If it was something you had directly lied to your wife about the situation would be different but this is all stuff that you'd freely admit to her. There's no crime here.
I don't think you showed her or yourself in a poor light. It was the holidays and shit happens. *shrug*
Like I said, better to blog then to have a shitty time with the Mrs.
The downfall with worrying about whether or not you disrespect her in your posts, is that you'll censor your blog. And why have a blog if you can't write what you want on it? If it becomes a family blog you'll end up not saying the things you want to say. That you need to say. That you should be able to say...
That's how we met - I made a blog then censored it for fear of how my family would take it.
I say, don't worry about it.
If you've managed to calm the wife, and you still have hold of your blog, then life is still good.
You didn't do any lasting damage to her, and if she feels like you did then let her read it all. Through the posts, comments, and counter-comments you've more then showed your love for her.
{{{{RT}}}}
Yeah!!
*point*
Daughter put it better then I can.
That's pretty much what I was trying to say!
:)
Thanks Daughter!
Thanks HB, I appreciate your input. You make some good points.
I do write my blog from my point of view but I try to be fair. To write that post without mentioning I felt mad at her and why, would have been dishonest and missed the point of my realization that I was wrong. I agree it was some harsh thinking on my part but didn't my post clearly state that I was in the wrong at the end? I'm not arguing with you HB, I'm just trying to get a good handle on this. :)
Ha! We were all commenting at the same time. I got caught up in the WV vs Oklahoma bowl game. Ahem, Georgia destroyed Hawaii last night. Yeah! Go Dawgs!!!
Sorry, got caught up in the world of sports for a second.
Daughter: I agree with you. I do try to keep it honest but it's still ALL my perspective. I try to blog what I feel. Right or wrong that was what I felt that day. I'm glad you got my point.
I appreciate the view you have of the wife. She's not perfect but she is a hell of a woman for putting up with my imperfect ass. :)
Jen: There would be no point to my blog if I had to sensor what I wrote. I would just close it down. Like HB said.
I don't have any disrespect for my wife and if that's how my writing is coming across I need to be aware of it. We are both human and I think accepting that and learning from it is more respectful than pretending we are perfect and resenting her. My opinion of course.
In the end she did realize that I had in fact told her how I felt. She just didn't put my apology together with the feelings that must have brought it on. I also tried to tell her I wasn't writting for her so it would never explain what she was feeling or thinking. She seemed to accept it. *shrug*
It is kind of funny that if you wouldn't have posted exactly what you did in the first post I read of yours, I may have never commented. How sad would that have been?
{{{Jen}}}
Oh... I'm hating West Virgina right now :( grrr!
"How sad would that have been?"
I think about that a lot.
I'm glad you read it!
So as long as you are being honest you can never disrespect someone? That is just not a reality.
RT your wife read it and thinks you said mean things, which hurt her, so you disrespected her no matter what your bloggers think.
Interactive journaling Daughter, to some I suppose, but mostly it's a site where everybody pats each others backs.
I don't think "as long as you are being honest you can never disrespect someone" but in this case he was just blogging about how he felt at the moment. We're all allowed to do that.
You think he disrespected her, HB, but that's your opinion.
I say he didn't.
He told her the truth about how he felt and she knows she can look at his blog whenever she wants.
There's no disrespect in talking out loud about how you feel.
That's just my opinion.
This is interactive journaling. We write about what we want to, when we want to, in the fashion we want to. Just like we would if we were keeping a journal at home.
The comments are pats on the back most of the time, sure. But the writing we do as bloggers, is the journal part.
I think NOT being honest is disrespectful. That doesn't mean that the adage "the truth hurts" doesn't have merit, it only means that honesty and disrespect are not correlated terms.
Hurting someone is not the same thing as disrespecting someone. Disrespect takes forethought and intent.
Just my opinion, ya'll.
This is something I have thought about, as it is really a question as to what your blog means to you. We could all write a blog that points out the flaws in others we see, or the funny things in life we witness, or the random thoughts in our head, or a running commentary of the lives we lead. Our blogs could be for friends to read, for family to read, for random people we have never met, or for our own benefit.
I think that most would write a blog for themselves rather than anyone else. To get a better insight into how, you feel, act or behave in reality, and to get an insight into how others perceive that.
With that in mind, we get the most out of our blogs by writing exactly how we feel and act, with no prejudices. There is no right or wrong in the facts, but ultimately the person that is read is not the person that you would meet. For example "And of course I apologized, as usual, again." is a side of you that you would not let be seen in general. The apology is heartfelt at the time, but in retrospect this is how you feel. Should you say this to your wife though the shit hits the fan.
Do you disrespect your wife in your blog? OF course you do, because you treat her right in reality and are trying to be better at it, by disrespecting her here, venting and working on it. Do your posts paint your wife in a bad way? No, because we have not met your wife. We have only a character you interact with, to get to know. i.e. if she had a blog we read, we would get to know a different version of you.
The important thing now, is to ensure your wife knows this, and can understand this.
Blimey - shit hit the fan?
I think you blog title says it all 'Raw Thinking'. I read your post again and also the comments people made. we can all see both parties point of view but when something is written about you, its difficult to read it without bias. She obviously took it personally.
Also she might have read it quickly when she realised it wasn't the family blog and so didn't take it all in like we did (as you intended).
Also she might not have had time to read people's comments. if you read them, noone is sticking up for you over her.
It may have seemed a bit selfish and that's maybe why i didn't comment (i can't remember why I didn't - I guess I don't have that problem anymore so I had nothing to compare to) but you knew you were being a bit selfish didn't you?
But we know as you do that even as adults we all turn into babies when ill :) we know we should be gorwn up about it - but when you're ill its the one time you expect a bit of respite - you didn't feel like you got that. You didn't take it out on anyone, you just ranted on the blog. That's what it's for!
Maybe you should print it out and ask her to read it again - print out the comments too. Or maybe print out the post about how wonderful a mother she is.
I think I might blog about this sometime ...
Good luck!
oh and to answer your question:
'does my blog paint my wife in a bad way'
no I don't think so - if anything it paints you in a bad way because you're usually behaving like a baby and she's usually being an adult :)
Thanks for the input everybody. I really did want to hear everybody's true opinion on this. This is some really good feed back.
HB: I guess it's a fine line isn't it? To be honest about those thoughts that go off in your head and not disrespect the person you are thinking about when you admit to them. I still think pointing out someone isn't perfect isn't disrespectful but expecting them to be would be.
You are right, we do a lot of back patting around here but I can think of times when we all didn't agree and let it be known. I have learned a lot from such discussions.
Jen: I think you are thinking like me. The post was a blow by blow of how I felt and how it affected me. It doesn't mean I was right and she was wrong it was just how it unfolded that day. Good points!
Daughter: I think you said it, "the truth hurts" and in this case it reminded her how much she didn't do and how much I had to do. It didn't mean she wouldn't... she couldn't. It just smacked her in the face to read my true feelings about it even if by the end I had admitted they were wrong.
Darren: Some very good points. Good insight too! Is venting the same as disrespecting? To say, "I hate that she is messy" is not the same as saying messy people are terrible people is it?
I did define the purpose of my blog when I started. It was to say the things I think but wouldn't normally say in public and to be honest. I've tried to be true to that.
I had told the wife this but I think the reality of reading it about her hit home a little to hard.
TT: Yes, I knew I was being selfish. I had spent all weekend clearing out the garage to convert it into a playroom. I had everything pulled out and a load in my truck to take to the dump. When I couldn't do that I had to unload the truck and undo most of what I had spent two days doing. It did not sit well with me. That still doesn't mean it was her fault.
I think your right that she read it fast. She did not see the comments. Had I known she would be reading it I may have not been so harsh but I would made the same points. I think she understands that it was written from my point of view, not against her at all. I hope she does anyway.
I'm glad you don't think my blog makes her look bad. That is not my intent, at all.
A few points:
Please remember she was still sick when she read the post.
She missed out on a lot of the traditions we do at Christmas
She was scared we would miss our cruise.
Since she thought she was reading another blog it caught her very much of guard
From my first post to this post, I feel differently.
In the beginning, I think I was defending you to the hilt because I understand that you started this blog for the ability to voice what you can't say out loud in real life...
Anyways, everyone made good points.
I'm putting more thought into this subject. It's an interesting question to pose, "Are you disrespecting someone because you talk about how you truly feel on your blog?"
We all do it.
*thinking*
Good post, RT.
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