My Sister... wtf?
My sister came home to visit last week. I'm really at my wits end as to how to deal with her. She has placed herself on such a high pedestal falling off would kill her. She has decided that her life is so perfect that she is entitled to critique the rest of the family on how to fix ours. What bullshit!
Her visits, which were once a welcomed event, have become a dreaded exercise in watching what you say and what you do. My mom walks on egg shells so that she doesn't become the target of her opinions. I just avoid having any serious conversations with her. My brother and his family won't even come see her.
I knew she had been confiding in The Wife but after she left I found out she had a heart to heart with my dad as well. Both discussed some of the conversations they had with her and both had me seeing red. I had to stop both of them from telling me everything because I didn't know if I could stop myself from contacting her about what she had said.
I work in a small family business. We are going through a painful transition of turning ownership and leadership of our company from my parents to my brother and myself. I can't begin to tell people how complex a situation this has been. My dad doesn't want to give up what has been his life for the past thirty years but also knows he's tired of the daily grind. Promises have been made on both sides and some feathers have been ruffled working out the details. He obviously discussed this with my sister. She advised him that if he wasn't happy with the the way things were going to fire my brother and myself (she doesn't realize we own half the company already) and close the business down. WTF? My dad's thoughts about her after this suggestion... "Your sister is nuts."
What the hell is she thinking? After twenty five years of building our business my dad is going to forget every promise he made? Did she think about the impact this SUGGESTION would have on my family and my brother's family? She has no clue the sacrifices my brother and myself have made because "one day the company will be ours". Actually she just has no clue.
The wife had to cut their conversation short as my sister tried to explain to her that no matter what agreement I had with my parents, I had no right to expect anything. She tried to convince The Wife that if my brother and myself hadn't taken the "easy road" we would not have put ourselves in this position. The Wife tried in vein to explain to her all the sacrifices both families have made to make our company successful. A company The Wife has asked me to leave many times because of the long hours, the extreme stress and the lack of boundaries between our personal and my business life. My wife's thoughts about her after this conversation... "your sister is nuts."
So what to do about my sister? I find it increasingly hard to be around her. I damn sure don't appreciate her meddling in my life. If she has an opinion about me she should come say it to me. What could she have been thinking when she tried to tear me down to my own wife? I honestly have no idea but something is brewing and I fear it's going to come to a boil sooner rather than later.
11 comments:
Oh, jeez, David. Family truly sucks at times, doesn't it?
Would it be possible to have a grown-up talk with her about this? Would that help?
Man, and I thought my wife's siblings were bad.
Yes it does. I always thought the older we got, the easier it would be. Wrong. :(
I don't think any kind of talking will help. She's going through something. I've been trying to give her room but there are limits.
She advised him that if he wasn't happy with the the way things were going to fire my brother and myself and close the business down
You mean just give up and destroy everything in the process - that doesn't sound like her at all ;)
I'm not saying this is what you shoudl do but if I were in the same position, I would tell her to stay out of what doesn't concern her, otherwise she could find herself cut out my life.
Sometimes you've just got to stop beating around the bush and tell it like it is so there's no misunderstandings.
They say there is 1 black sheep in every 4 in a family. This has rung through for every family I have known, including my own. Things like this only build and build and build until they explode. The best way to deal with anything like this is to confront it early and head on. Get everyone together and tell her straight so everyone can see.
TT: Her suggestion to close the business hints at selling the assets and dad banking the money. It's not about the money though.
She's been reading a LOT of self-help books and each one opens her eyes to a different way of thinking. Right now it's do whatever it takes to be happy, no matter the consequence. I assume that fits nice with her dating a married man with children.
Yes, I want to have that blunt talk with her but only if I thought something would come of it. Her head is no place to listen right now. I still feel like I need to keep the lines of communication available if she needs someone. If she's being this destructive with us she must be doing it with others as well. But as I said, there is a limit.
Darren: lol, my brother has the black sheep position well locked down. My sister, the only girl and the youngest, has always been the princess of the family.
Getting everyone together would be my choice too but everybody else doesn't want to deal with it. They are happy to let her blow into town drop bombs and leave. I just wish she would say the things she said to them to me.
I didn't read the other comments yet so sorry if someone else already said this, but I think you should tell her to mind her own business. As nicely as you can muster.
Having her be crazy in her own life is one thing, but to be crazy in yours is totally unacceptable.
Make your feelings known - if you can without a full war starting.
The more thought I give it, the more complicated it gets.
She does have the right to talk with her father about subjects that are bothering him. Even if I don't like her opinion.
On the other hand talking me down to my wife (who has been part of our family for 20 years and knows everything)is not ok.
I don't want to confront her based on what others said she said. I want her to say it to me if she she means it.
lol 'mind her own BUSINESS' (pun intended?) :)
Just a stupid family situation is all it is. :(
Family. Gotta love 'em.
Sorry, RT. It sucks no matter how you look at it. And I don't think you'd feel better if you confronted her - the conversation will no doubt go a different direction than you think it will (because I bet you're assuming that you would be having a discussion with a sane and rational person) and I think you'll probably walk away feeling worse and angrier than when you started.
Better to just leave her to stew in her own discontent. You give her power by allowing her to affect you so.
You're right. I've been going over all the ways I could confront her and what good would come of it but I see none. If I did it now it would be just to let her know she pissed me off. Obviously that's not a problem for her right now. The opportunity will present itself, I'll just hav to wait. *sigh*
OMG! I can understand. I work in a family business and my sister has decided to call it quits after 12yrs. My parents are at a stage in their lives where they need my sister & i to run the company. So she leaves!!! I am now left with 80employees on sites and not even a secretary to help out in the office, because she needed 8wks off! Grrrrrr siblings are nuts!!!! ;)
I'm not sure people realize the difficulties of transitioning a business from parents to children. Besides the business complications there are a lot of emotions and personal feelings as well.
As for your sister, I don't know. I've been tempted to leave our business myself over the last 20 years but the sweat equity I have invested kept me here.
I have plenty to say on the subject and probably some unwelcomed advice. I went to your blog to leave a comment but you don't have it set to allow comments. :(
Anyway, I wish you luck... and welcome to my blog. I hope we can talk some more about this. :)
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