Living Dangerously

I decided to get a bowl of ice cream the other night. I asked The Wife if she wanted some. She informed me there was no ice cream to be had. So much to her surprise, I pulled out a gallon from the back of the freezer.

The Wife: Oh, that is very, very old. You can't eat that. It will make you sick.

Me: How old?

The Wife: Old enough. I can't remember the last time I bought ice cream.

I really really wanted some Ice cream. WHAT TO DO????

I ate it of course. I was just careful to scoop it from the middle (I have no idea why I thought that would make any difference). Then I spent all night wondering about every little rumble in my stomach.

Yep, I'm a crazy wild man. I live right on the edge.

Odd Man Out

I have the pleasure of lifting with two great guys three nights a week. Although I've been working out with these guys for years I hardly ever forget that they were partners long before they met me. One day they asked for some advice about working legs, I invited them to join me for a few sets and we've been lifting together ever since.

In the beginning they both just let me run the work-outs. I had more experience and seemed to be more motivated. This worked out well for awhile then I noticed one partner, P1, seemed to get irritated with me at times. Nothing harsh, just little comments to let me know he wasn't pleased we always did things my way. So I backed off to let them take charge, only to be confronted by my other partner, P2, about why we're doing odd or lame work-outs. You see, P1 doesn't really know what to do, he just wants to have input, where as P2 doesn't care who's in charge, he just wants the results.

So over the years I've worked hard to make sure P1 is included in decisions. Still, no matter how hard I try I can't get this issue behind us.

Example:

P2: Can we do extra legs tonight?
Me: Fine by me, what do you think P1?
P1: Huh, surprised you even asked. I was thinking of trying this new exercise?
P2: That's for your back. We're not doing back tonight.
Me: Let's try it tomorrow night.
P1: Whatever. (as he rolls his eyes)

Example two:

Me: Didn't you want to try a new exercise tonight P1?
P1: I'm surprised you even heard me. (sarcasm)
Me: Huh?
P2: I heard that exercise isn't any good.
Me: Lets give it a try and see.
P1: Gee, thanks for letting us. (dripping with sarcasm)

I still try, but for the most part I just wrote it off to the fact there are some people in this world you just irritate (some of us have a better knack for it than others) no matter how hard you try not to.

Then, I skipped the gym last Monday night. I sent both of them an email to let them know. When I arrived at the gym Tuesday P2 was a no show. P1 informed me that P2 had come early Monday and had almost finished his work-out before our scheduled time. Worse, he left P1 after only 10 minutes of working-out. When I wondered out loud why he would do this, P1 said, "Because, he knew you weren't going to be here."

Then it became crystal clear. P1 is irritated with me because P2 seems to be only interested in working out with me. P1 is feeling like the odd man out. It doesn't really solve anything but at least I know where it's coming from. And, on a selfish note, I'm happy it's not me this time.

Confession #2

Sometimes when spell check doesn't find a misspelled word I change one just to see if it's working.

I got loaded last night

Because I live near my parents and they still work a few days a week at the family business, it's not uncommon for them to have an employee place something in the back of my truck for me to carry home for them, without informing me of course.

This irritates me to no end.

Sometimes I pretend I don't see it and ride around with it for days. When they ask where their stuff is, I just say, "Really, since Tuesday? Huh, nobody told me." Childish I know, but for some reason it makes me feel better.

I only mention this because last night when I left work there was a spool of rope in the back of my truck. Rope big enough to tie up the fn' titanic. My truck was almost popping a wheelie under the weight, seriously. It was apparently loaded with a forklift.

We have no forklifts at my parents house. Three guesses how it got unloaded? The first two don't count. grrrrr-er!

Happy Mother's Day

to all the mothers of the world

Enjoy your day, you've earned it!

What Will Happen?

The dreaded "W" word came up the other day. I've never been afraid of it but for some reason I just can't get off my ass and wrestle with it.

My insurance agent (same age as me and looks twice as old, sCA-ry) strongly suggested that I make out a will. Yikes and, well, yikes!!! His suggestion was delivered with one of those half cocked eyebrow things that seem to say, "Hey, what are you stupid or something?" His look was so convincing that I'm actually considering doing it.

So I need a list (always start with a list)

1. I need to make a list of all my possessions (easy enough)




2. I need to make a list of who I'm leaving them to. (again... easy)




3. I need to figure out who would take care of my children if something should happen to The wife and I...
   

Bam! I just remembered why I've never made out a will. I have nobody in my life I trust to raise my children. So stop cocking that eye at me Mr. Insurance agent man, I'm working on it.

Gah!

Growth

When each of my children were born I planted a tree on our property to mark the occasion. With Ethan it was a willow tree right next to the kitchen window. I didn't realize it at the time but I had planted the willow right next to our septic tank.

Amazingly in just over three short years the tree grew as tall as our house. I had to trim the bottom branches so that we could see under it from the kitchen window. In a short amount of time, due to the extra nutrients it was getting from the septic tank, it became one of our favorite trees. It provided some much needed shade. I loved to watch it's long lanky limbs blowing in the wind. It had a very majestic appeal to it. It was a beautiful tree.

Then, suddenly it died. All the leaves fell off, it turned brittle and dried up. Apparently some type of beetle burrowed into it's trunk and killed it.

The moral of this story: You can't suck shit for too long before something bad crawls up your ass and kills you.

Confession

When I'm clearing brush at home with my machete (I love that word machete... machete, machete, maacheeetee) I sometimes pretend I'm a contestant on the show Survivor.

Then I vote all the dumb ass people out of my life.

Old & Dumb? Not!

Feeling my age...not!

For the past week I have been feeling a little bit more run down than normal. I just attributed it to getting older.

Then I went to make a pot of coffee at work. I noticed there was only decaffeinated coffee.

"Where's the loaded coffee," I yelled.

"We're out. We've been out for a week. We've been making the decaf stuff and you didn't even notice." someone yelled back laughing.

That explains it. I'm not getting old, they're just sneaky bastards.



Stupid is as stupid does

Yesterday morning I opened a bottle I was pretty sure contained chlorine tablets but the label had fallen off. I looked down into the bottle for a second and it looked like chlorine tablets. Even though it couldn't have been anything other than chlorine tablets I decided to take a sniff.

After throwing up and seriously wondering if my throat was going to close up and I would require a tracheotomy to breath, I managed to get back into the house. As I stood over the sink hacking up my chlorine gas filled lungs. The Wife walked in.

What's wrong?

I sniffed *cough* some *hack* chlorine. *cough*

Well that was just stupid.

I had a doozy of a comeback but I couldn't get it out before she left the room. How dare her call me stupid!



Although, it really was stupid.