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A few weeks ago I ran into my Aunt and Uncle. They are great people and I love them dearly but they are the only people in my life that make me feel adopted. They don't do it on purpose but for someone who forgets he is 99% of the time, it's a weird feeling.
Them: How is your mom and dad
Me: Oh, they're great
Good, tell them we were asking about them
Of course I will
They are such great people, you children are so blessed to have them.
er... yes, we are very lucky
It just proves God has a plan
Yes, I'm sure he does
Just think, they could have been given any children but they got y'all. Your parents are lucky too.
Well, we are all happy the way it worked out.
I've always known I was adopted. My parents never hid that fact from me and my siblings. I can't remember it effecting me as child. If it did I didn't notice. I just grew up not knowing what I would look like, where my blue eyes came from or how tall I had the potential to be.
As an adult it's rare to think about it. When I'm filling out medical information about me or my kids it becomes an issue. No history on my side for anything. Just a bunch of blank pages and the standard adoption explanation to the nurse. Does autism run in my genes? Don't know. Is there a history of cancer? I couldn't tell you.
Once when watching an episode about adoption on Dateline, the wife turned to me and asked what I thought. We had been watching the program for twenty minutes and it didn't hit me until she asked that they were talking about adopted people like me. Of course the show was about adopted kids finding their biological parents. The wife wanted to know if I ever wanted to find mine? Did I ever think about them and if I had the chance would I meet them?
I quickly answered, "no, no and no"
She seemed disappointed and couldn't understand why I wouldn't want to meet them. This seems to be the number one question people have for adopted people. I asked her to think about it for just a minute and she would see my point.
My birth parents were most likely young, in their teens, when they conceived me. It was the late sixties so the situation was either a girl who got knocked up by her boyfriend or I was a love child of some hippy drug user. Either way I seriously doubt the man and women are together now or then. Chances are they grew up and started families of their own, moved on.
Would I want some guy knocking on my door claiming to be my brother? Hell no! Family relations are hard enough without throwing THAT monkey wrench into the works. Do you really think my bio mom would want me disrupting her life with a similar knock on the door? Doubtful, and to what end? So I can be told I was a mistake? That my bio dad didn't want a baby or worse he raped her. Why would any adopted person travel that road?
The truth is, for whatever reason, my bio mom did me a huge favor by having me and letting me go in hopes that I could get whatever it was she thought she couldn't give me. It was a gift. You accept gifts for what they are and make the most of them. You don't slap the giver in the face by trying to find the cost of the gift.
In my opinion people that go looking for there bio parents are missing something in their life and it has nothing to do with finding two people that they never knew and had no influence in their upbringing. They would be better off looking inside themselves.I remember when my son was born and everybody was saying how he looked exactly like me how odd it felt. To that point in my life I had never looked like anyone. My son was the first person I ever knew that I shared genetics with.
Genetically I have no family tree. I am the seed, the roots, the trunk and the lone limb on my side of my children's tree. So when my son looks at my face and ask, "if he's going to grow up to be just like me?" I can say, "no, you're going to grow up to be you." Because in the end, I know, that's all that matters.
8 comments:
Thought provoking. It makes me wonder what I'd do in a similar situation.
Just given my past I assume I'd be hitchhiking across the country by now in search of the phantom "parents" would donated me to the world.
Why?
Because I'm a master at doing things I shouldn't. I always want to know how much the gift costs. Not because it matters but just because there isn't something I'm suppose to know.
I think you have a phenomenal outlook on your life. You've found the answers to questions that plague other people, and you've managed to find them inside yourself. That's a huge accomplishment! One that I don't think many of us could pull off.
Family is only what you make of it. If you value the people in your life you can have a huge family. If you choose to shut down the people who reach out to you, then biology or not, you've just got yourself. (I happen to know a pregnant imbecile to whom this fits perfectly! Ha.)
Anyway you look at it, no matter your opinion on the subject, this is a great thought provoking post!!
Thanks Jen!!! :D
I think you're giving me more credit than I deserve (but I'll take it). My brother and sister have never expressed a desire to find their bio parents either. I think it's the norm not the exception.
I think my parents being open about it and not making it some mysterious hidden secret helped.
And I agree 100%, some people don't appreciate the family they have and that's sad.
I agree, your folks being open is probably helped too.
For whatever reason, I'm glad you're happy with your family! That's all that matters. :)
wow - thought proving indeed. The only thing I can feel which kind of relates to this is being ethnic. I forget that I'm not like everyone else mostly until someone says something like 'so you're not english are you?'.
I think they're either just a bit silly or ignorant. In the same way your uncle and aunt are trying so hard not to make an issue of it and let you know they think it's ok (not that it matters to you) it ends up having the opposite effect.
And yes - as long as you are happy with your parents - who cares.
Apart from my actual parents and sibling I would rather have adopted extended family. :)
It's a lot like that. You just forget about that part of you until someone takes the time to point it out. I think you're right that most people are trying to do something positive but don't know how to go about it. Just leave it alone people.
Actually, that 's a pet peeve of mine (one I've been guilty of myself) Nationality, race, and religion are all different things. None of the them are bound to the other but people assume if you are one then you must be the other, so not true.
When you get married you'll get your wish for an adopted extended family. They're called in-laws... be careful of what you wish for ;)
I appreciate this post most for your honesty and for the simplicity with which you presented it. Being a person who has always believed that adopted children are perhaps the luckiest of all - after all, adopted children KNOW that they are wanted and cherished and part of a family in ways that bio-children are not - I am also guilty of not thinking that belief through. I'm glad that you've once again given me a reason to modify my view and tweak my beliefs. :-)
So many things I take for granted!! Thank you for reminding me to be grateful for simple things like known medical histories and ancestries. I promise to remember my gratitude when I am filling out medical forms instead of griping about it. :-)
Thanks Daughter, it is nice to know with out a doubt that your parents want you.
The flip side of course is while I've started my children's family tree my parents tree has ended. No kids that looked like them and no grandkids that share their traits. :(
Ha! The wife always gripes when we both have to fill out forms. It takes me about two minutes :)
Great post! I've always wondered how I would feel if I were adopted. I like your philosophy about the whole thing, though.
Who knows, I may even adopt some little rugrats of my own someday.
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